Patterns in Stories of Lasting Freedom from Porn Addiction

So many wonder today: how does anyone find deep healing and real, lasting freedom from compulsive-addictive pornography use? Here's what I learned from 50 people who have actually found it.

Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash

There are many amazing men and women, with inquisitive minds and tender hearts, who are grappling with compulsive-addictive patterns of various kinds (some more socially acceptable than others). In the last decade of work with Fight the New Drug and Impact Suite in supporting those seeking freedom from pornography addiction, I’ve witnessed incredible beauty and courage from so many people still seeking a mighty change and new day in their own lives (including over 15K women alongside the many men who have sought support at Fortify).

I believe the journey to find healing in this, as in other kinds of difficult challenges, is as much of a soul-stretching quest and adventure as Harry and Hermione’s saga or Frodo and Sam on the road to Mr. Mordor.

While there is much to be learned from anyone’s experience, over the last few years we’ve been gathering a specific set of stories from those who are not grappling anymore, and who have found enduring, lasting and sustainable freedom (and healing) from pornography addiction.

What better place to look towards for clarity regarding the pathway to lasting freedom from pornography than the experiences of those who have actually found it?

I was inspired to take this approach after coming across the work of Dr. Kelly Turner at the University of California at Berkeley, who pursued a comprehensive analysis across 1,000+ cases of “spontaneous” or “radical” remission from cancer. Her findings are summarized in: Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds, and Radical Hope: 10 Key Healing Factors from Exceptional Survivors of Cancer & Other Diseases.

While inspiring many families facing cancer, Dr. Turner’s work is a reminder to the rest of us not to overlook important things that can be learned from especially encouraging accounts. This prompted me to compile and analyze stories of depression healing in 2021 and 2022, generating 100 pages of interesting patterns and themes published here last winter: Patterns in Stories of Lasting Healing from Depression

In what follows, I’ll be your tour guide through thematized comments and illustrations from this other remarkable collection of stories of lasting healing from pornography addiction, broken down into twelve key patterns:

1. Humility & ownership of what’s been happening (and what needs to happen).

2. Regaining hope that a new life is possible.

3. Realizing there is help available more powerful than your own will.

4. Learning a lot and rethinking the world.

5. Embracing a new source of comfort, love and connection.

6. Seeing identity and self differently.

7. Openness, honesty, vulnerability and accountability.

8. Healing the deeper pain that can drive relief-seeking.

9. Learning to mindfully work with thoughts, sensations, triggers and urges.

10. Scaffolding daily life with custom-designed structure & boundaries.

11. Heroic grit, resilience, patience & persistence.

12. Getting outside of yourself through service.

I didn’t make any of these up. They all come from their direct experiences.

Methodology. This preliminary analysis below is based on nearly 50 narratives of lasting freedom gathered to date. These stories were gathered from anywhere I could find them – including via YouTube, on blogs and podcasts, in published books, on Medium, and on the websites of several recovery support organizations (both Christian and secular).  

With the exception of a few participants I’ve interviewed or corresponded with who have requested that their stories be shared anonymously (through pseudonyms), the majority of stories come from those who have already publicly shared their experiences openly online. The common criteria in all is they had to show some clear evidence of having found sustained freedom, recovery and healing (of at least 4-6 months, most much longer). When I read an encouraging story of some recovery progress with the person was still having relapses, they were not included.

Naturally, the stories gathered vary a great deal. Some of these accounts were more plainly autobiographical and centered on primarily sharing experiences, while others were interwoven with life lessons and advice to others still grappling. Sometimes they were shorter, and sometimes longer—with a number of beautiful memoirs I’ve been able to explore in-depth.

This points to one of the central limitations of the project. Ideally, each and every person could have been interviewed personally, so they would field all the same questions. While I did have correspondence directly with approximately 10 of the people (which allowed space for some specific follow-up questions), most of the narratives here were bounded by the publication choices previously made by the authors.

Practically speaking, that means we can only know what we can know from what they chose to share—with areas that remain out of reach. That makes the kind of standardized, statistical assessments impossible with this data alone. As a complement to this narrative analysis, my collaborators and I have gathered statistical data across a sample of users which allowed us to ask the same questions of everyone, and which provides a better sense of proportion (to be shared in another text later this spring). For now, this data aims to provide more of the depth of illustration, what anthropologist Clifford Geertz once called “thick description.”

Another natural limitation in this sample is it reflects the stories most accessible to me. As the project develops in the future, I hope to gather more stories of the many women who have found enduring freedom and recovery, as well as stories of those who are not Christian. For now, both groups are underrepresented in this collection – with five women among the 50 stories: Chantel (6), Eva (7), Brittany (23), Taylor (38) and Jessica (48); and only two stories I’ve gathered, Neal (28) and Nolan (43), who did not mention spirituality as playing a part of their recovery story.

It's fair to say this reflects, at least on some level, the natural networks I’m aware of as a believer myself – or the fact that Christians tend to be more open to share their stories publicly. But since I did make an effort to find stories that didn’t have a spiritual component, my own sense is the demographics of the resulting sample also tell part of the story here.

The fact is, I’ve struggled to find stories of non-believers who found lasting healing and freedom. While planning to make an even more determined effort to track them down in the future, the reality is that there are simply more stories publicly available of people who find lasting freedom involving some kind of meaningful spiritual experience as a part of that process. (As a living document, this manuscript will keep changing in the months and years ahead as more stories are gathered and analyzed. If you know of another story of enduring freedom, please leave contact information in the comments below.) 

While again openly acknowledging here sampling as a limitation of the analysis so far, I’d caution readers at being too quick to interpret this as a reflection of bias alone, rather than a potential clue as to the broader picture of what’s taking place.

This project is something I’ve been working on for many months thanks to the generous support of Sam Malouf, Clay Olsen and Impact Suite. This spring, Clay Olsen and I will be releasing a separate book-length overview that’s also been in the works - contextualizing these results alongside similar patterns in depression healing, all within the larger paradigm shift happening in mental and behavioral health care right now.

For now, I share below people’s own experiences with little to no commentary from me. Given the richness of people’s long journeys to freedom, what follows is substantial in order to capture the depth and detail of what has made the most difference. Hopefully the scope of what is provided here will be beneficial to those, like in Chantel’s story, who are searching to find real stories of people who have reached lasting freedom. 

#1. Humility & ownership of what’s been happening (and what needs to happen).

From a deepening appreciation of how stuck someone is or how much something is hurting another, to a mounting healthy fear and remorse, people speak of a deepening humility over the reality of what is being faced. This is related to a greater sense of ownership and responsibility over their current circumstances.  

“No matter how hard I tried.” Although that word “addiction” invokes in the public imagination a drunk lying in the gutter – or someone shooting up illegal drugs, the truth is modern society has hundreds of compulsive-addictive behaviors – thanks to highly refined foods, drinks, and endless types of entertainment custom designed to be irresistible. Across the many types and levels of compulsive-addiction, one universal pattern that unites them all is a surprising difficulty at leaving that habit behind, even when it’s causing great harm.  

“It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked to break free” John recollected. “It didn’t seem to matter how much I hated it. Something about it just kept drawing me back, and I’d eventually find myself falling into it again.” (1)

Many lament that even after “quitting” dozens of times, it’s sometimes only weeks, days, or even hours when they “inevitably failed again.” Tony related, “I kept telling myself that the next birthday, new year, or life event would be enough for me to outgrow [this], and I would put it all behind me. But I failed.” (42)

“Some days, by sheer willpower I’d stay away for a few days,” Aaron said, but despite high hopes and firm new resolutions, “the very next day, I’d do it again.” (3) Dave remembers saying over and over, “This is the last time…” – admitting, “I couldn’t even take myself serious…all these vows to God, and I kept on doing it – ‘you even serious, bro?’” (2)

By comparison, other things in life had been relatively “easy” to change. This was different. For example, unlike caffeine, Thomas reflected, “I wasn’t able to kick that habit even though it definitely had negative effects.” (9) This “had a hold on me like nothing else I had dealt with, Eric said. “I had no clue how to battle it” – especially since, contrary to reason, “trying harder didn't work.” Even after making a firm resolution, Eric would go “a couple of months” until it would “creep back in, and get stronger and stronger.” (34) 

Willpower never seems to be enough. “Things I tried before never worked – self-effort, trying harder,” Austin said. Another failure would inevitably lead to “muster[ing] some kind of a resolution, to power through and not give in next time.” (36) A similar “cycle of renunciation and relapse” for Neal continued across many years of career changes, geographical moves, and technological evolutions in society. (28)

“I thought I could stop anytime. But I soon realized it was beyond my ability,” said Jackson (24) – reinforcing an understandable desperation for many– after years of effort and energy spent in this cycle: 

• “I felt trapped… desperate to free myself but helpless to do so” writes Neal. (28)  

• “As the years went by, I became more and more desperate of the fact I couldn’t break that cycle,” said Jack. (4)

“I gotta fix it,” Chris said – “And so I tried. Desperately for years to do that. And then just, you know, pray a thousand times to have this burden taken from me, but I just could not get rid of it.” (21)

I really am stuck, and I really need to do something about it. Although he likewise realized through long experience that this was “not just about trying harder yourself,” Stephen admitted to “not knowing or understanding what I was dealing with.” He continued, “You know, to me, I just thought it was a bad habit…. I just thought we just stopped the behavior [and] try to make the best of it” – “I didn't know about the brain condition. I didn't know about the compulsion involved in addictive behavior.” (20) 

This was a common pattern in others reflecting on the period they remained stuck: 

• Larry said, “I never thought of it as an addiction, only as a bad habit, or a weakness.” (27)

• After cycling through compulsive patterns for “many years,” Phil remembers, “even when I began to learn more about pornography and heard people discuss addiction, I did not compute that I was addicted. My use had so much time in between binges (sometimes 6 months or more) that I didn’t think it qualified as an addiction.” (46) 

• Neal likewise remembers comparing his story with others, and telling himself he was “not addicted, since I only masturbated to porn while traveling.” (28)  

“I’m stopping now!” Jack remembers declaring, as part of an intensive effort to delete stuff. But “it wouldn’t be long before I went back to it. I couldn’t seem to break out of cycle. Kept going round and round and round.” (4) Despite steps they hoped would help them to stop, these individuals found themselves right back into it: 

• “It had a grip on me,” Neal said. “I would try to pray and find myself getting up from prayer and walking to the computer to point my browser to porn sites. I tried exercise, to get myself out of the house and burn off some of the restlessness that seemed a part of this addiction; I would return home, shower and head for the computer and those familiar sites.” (28)

• “I would occasionally memorize Bible verses – and say [them], then hours later go look at porn. Why can’t I stop…this dark thing in me?” (8)

It is common to hear people describe the bewildering range of things they tried:

• “I did lots of things to try to stop pursuing, was a part of multiple support groups, celebrate recovery counselor, books, music…gave my wife credit cards, mileage to work, set up a camera to film me,” said Josh, but ultimately, “nothing could stop me.” I was even willing to “drive 3 hours” to get a fix. (37) 

• “I tried everything: crying, praying, making commitments, asking for help from friends… nothing worked.” (9)

• “I was leading campus Bible studies, studying the Word, praying frequently—even winning people to Jesus. But in spite of all of that, I just couldn’t get free.” (1)

There’s always something people are sure will take the problem away: 

• “If I only do this it will change on my own,” Stephen said. – “I had tried a lot of different things to stop the behavior, including quitting my job, selling my interest in the company that I worked for, moved my family to a new city, and thinking that if I get off the road, if I change my environment, I can stop this behavior on my own.” (20)

• “I thought that when I got married it would cease to be an issue…wrong,” Larry said. “I thought when I joined the church that it would cease to be an issue, wrong again.  I thought when I got the priesthood, went to the temple, etc. it would be better. Get the picture?” (27)

• Chris spoke of many different milestones where he thought, “okay, this is the cure. I found it. Here we go.” From starting another job, to getting married, and opportunities to serve in his faith community, he thought, “This will certainly be the answer to my problems….I thought it was behind me. I really did.” Then, “this demon of demons raised its ugly head again and I was just so devastated.” (21)

This same man finally admitted to a confidante how he had grappled for “over 50 years, trying to get it under control most of the time” and the “struggle just never went away and I've tried my whole life and I think I need help. I don't think I can do this on my own anymore.” (21) 

All this reflects a universal pattern in those facing compulsive-addictive patterns – the inability to break free, despite effort and desire to do so. But more than simply struggling to break free, those who end up finding a way out of this become acutely aware of how stuck they truly are:  

“Over time, I realized that no matter what I tried, no matter how firm my resolution, I just could not walk away from my fixation,” Neal said. “I told myself it was just a harmless habit, that I could end it if I wanted or needed to end it, but I was deceiving myself.” (28)

Michelle remembers wanting to sign up right away for a new “Pure Desire” program for pastors who were struggling, but her husband Nick still “believed he had his addiction under control.” (29)

By contrast, James said, “I was a slave – I was living for lust. It was what drove and satisfied me.” And despite the “exhilaration to pursue” the stimulation, “no matter how much I got, left me empty.” 

This man added:

One of the greatest, I guess, deceitful things about any sin, is the pursuit of the sin. As you’re pursuing the sin, there is exhilaration and excitement, but once you gain the sin, and you satisfy yourself with the sin, then it just leaves you barren and empty. As I heard once said, “Sin will take you farther than you ever want to go, keep you longer than you ever want to stay, and cost you more than you ever wanted to pay.” (15)

Jessica compared her past experience to “feeling trapped in a cave” – and going around in circles unsure whether she would be able to ever get out, only to feel the relief of hearing “Hello? Is anybody in there?” 

“I wanted so badly to get out of the dark cave of pornography,” she recalled, “but I had found myself hopelessly trapped.” And “the more I tried to find my way out, the more lost I became.” (48)

This becomes a first significant theme. In different ways, everyone who finds a way out seems to recognize the real trap and bondage they are in – and the haplessness of their own willpower.  

This really is hurting me. In modern culture today, it isn’t surprising that many people don’t realize what pornography is doing to them, given our myriad ways of rationalizing it – “I justified in my mind that it wasn’t cheating,” Matt said – “it was images, fantasy, it was okay.” (33)

So many grew up being introduced to porn early on before they could understand what it was doing to them – “I didn’t think it was wrong – I didn’t think it was a stumbling block in my relationship to God,” Chantel said. “But through the years,” she describes God showing her it was more serious of a betrayal or “sin” than she had imagined. This woman continued, “I realized that it becomes a part of you, you become more and more hungry with it and feel consumed with a lustful spirit.” (6)

Jessica described a moment where she wrote down for the first time what she was really struggling with – representing the first time she had ever “faced the fact that the life I had been living was not acceptable.” And “the first time I had compared my life to God’s standards” and realized “I was nowhere even close.”

This evaluation of her actions against a higher standard was described as her “first step toward freedom.” (48)

“That wasn’t my character – but had become so,” Jack reflected – describing how he came to notice “such a stark change in character.” (4) 

Josh compared his personal deterioration to Smeagol becoming Gollum after crossing paths with the ring for the first time; “this immense desire and hunger happens easily” – as reflected in “the lengths [Gollum] was willing to go to get [the] ring” just like he did. After giving into these obsessions all the time, Josh said, I was “barely recognizable to myself.” (37)

In the other direction, Aaron marveled at the shift in his own spiritual capacity as freedom finally came into his life: “My relationship with God blossomed, my connection with him was made clear, that dark cloud or blanket was lifted off. I could pray, read and walk with him without any hindrance anymore. And through that I could understand his word better …You can’t afford to have your walk with God stunted.” (3)

Much of this can remain hidden to people in the middle of a struggle, at least until they have help to see more honestly what is happening. “I stumbled upon a men's purity conference at a local church,” Eric recollects, “that completely opened my eyes to the destruction in my life.” (34)

Stephen spoke of coming to understand more clearly the “unmanageability” of his life and how “out of control” it was. (20)

One man described coming to feel so desperate about his inability to control his behavior that he seriously considered suicide: “All those negative feelings and thoughts were rolling around, and I could not handle it anymore. 

“The feeling of having a soul ripped into pieces, into me who I was, me who behaved in a certain way, me who I thought I was, me who spoke, me who dreamed, was too severe to live with.” 

“In spite of all the odds,” Roger said, “I wanted to live. I promised to myself to do whatever it took to get this behind me.” 

In what he described as “the first and the biggest step I have made in my recovery journey,” Roger said he came to admit he had become “powerless over the addiction and that I could not handle it alone.” Without realizing it, he said, “I did the first step of 12 steps not knowing what 12 steps was at that time.” (47)

Thus began what Roger called “the greatest journey of my life.” His humility helped to rally his own courage to reach out for help by signing up for Fortify. (47)

Even so, for many there continues to be resistance to seeing the severity of what is being faced. One man remembers telling himself that “it was not infidelity and even that it helped keep me faithful to my wife.” 

After going even further to attend strip clubs, Neal began feeling more uncomfortable “as if viewing the dancing of naked women in reality was more of a betrayal of my wife and my sense of self than viewing similar photos on my computer.” (28)

If not recognizing the harm personally – others described waking up when they saw how it was impacting their relationships with others. “I never thought I was hurting anyone by looking at some women on a screen, but I realized the major damage I did during the early years of my marriage” said Eric – describing how he realized it was “skewing how I saw my wife.”

“At times intimacy with my wife wasn’t as exciting as what I was watching on the screen,” this man continued. “I began to compare her to those women.... My view of women was completely messed up;  I was walking in zero authority as a man of God. This is Satan's master plan in men's lives and if he had his way my marriage would have been destroyed!” (34)

Chantel described feeling uncomfortable upon realizing she was “looking at people as objects” with “any little thing” potentially triggering her arousal. She came to see what a “big hindrance” that had become to her “faith walk.” (6) 

Confronted with the consequences. This awareness of serious, worsening consequences adds to the humility many feel in facing compulsive-addictive patterns – which appears to be a necessary, if not vital, condition for lasting healing. Sometimes this softening awareness appears to arise privately and individually – and other times through a confrontation with someone they love catching them in a way that exposes the wound: 

• “That all changed in 2010, when my wife caught me,” Larry said, “and there was no denying. When I was finally caught, I knew I had to do something.  I was at rock bottom to use a 12-step phrase. I was so afraid that I was going to lose my family on top of everything else, that I was willing to do anything.” (27)

• “Eventually, my wife walked in on me,” Neal said, “and asked me what I was going to do about it. Her catching me in the act was a relief, as my self-deception ended and I admitted to myself that I really had a problem I could not solve by myself.” (28) (The same man reported his wife later “picking up” on a relapse and reiterating that “the lying would be the end of our marriage and that I'd better do something.”) (28)

• Nick describes the “breaking point” of calling his wife after their 10-year anniversary and telling her he had relapsed again. She expressed, “I can’t do this any longer. I didn’t feel love for him anymore.” – Even shortly after asking for a separation, she told Nick, “I don’t hate you, but I hate how this makes me feel. I don’t know if this can change, and so I don’t know if I can stay.” It took the possibility of losing his wife and family for good that led Nick to realize his need for recovery.  

Yet even then, he continued to grapple with many “great lies of rationalization and minimization,” including: “I didn’t need this much help.” Even so, Nick’s wife was under no such delusion, as he could see at a pornography recovery conference they attended: “By God’s sovereignty, my wife was sitting next to me at this conference. The pain in her life over my addiction was so great that she understood how desperately we needed help. As I looked at her, I saw something in her eyes that I hadn’t observed in several years: hope. While I found excuses to avoid the offer of help, Michelle saw a doorway to real transformation.”

Nick credits his wife’s “courageous honesty with me” for the fact he “began pursuing health and freedom” through a structured program called Pure Desire. (29)

Some admit that more severe consequences were needed to finally reach a breakthrough: 

• “God helped me come to my senses by being arrested,” Stephen shared. (20)

• “After a couple of rough years, I had lost an executive position and the accompanying mid 6 figure income, due to the company finding porn on my computer,” Larry said. “I hid the reason for my job loss from my family. This led to months of unemployment, and ultimately the loss of house, and filing bankruptcy. About the only thing I hadn’t lost was my family and my addiction.” (27)

• Phil recalled getting [in too] deeply into chatting and sexting at work, and almost accepting an invitation to meet up in person. “That scared me” he said, enough to reach out for more significant, personalized help – which meant “my recovery journey began.” Happily, he said, “I have not looked [at] pornography or cammed/sexted with anyone since then. (46)

Aaron describes hearing that pornography was natural, before having a spiritual experience where the “fear of God” was stamped into his heart. This helped him really appreciate the true harm and cost of watching – and “that it needs to go, there can’t be any compromise.” Even without accountability partners and other strategies the addiction was “stopped in its track” (with seven years of sobriety as of his sharing) – since he feared God “so much that I want nothing to do with that sexual sin. It’s not even a struggle; I don’t even desire it.” (3)

Aaron now encourages friends to pray to be given “the fear of God to stop you [from] looking at pornography” which he calls a “good fear” that can “save us from so many things” like “putting on a seatbelt to save you.” (3) Others spoke about “healthy guilt” focused on actions rather than on “who I am” (9) – compared with the “ton of guilt and shame because of the hypocrisy I was feeling,” (11) which is a common extreme people can fall into. 

This distinction between authentic regret and something else is an important one: “You know that you're in the process of change when you feel and then use ‘genuine regret’ for past behaviors as part of your motivation and fuel to keep moving forward,” Vinny said – comparing that with the “toxic shame” which “usually triggers self-hatred and self-flogging which are severely counterproductive to the change process.” (26)

Persuaded about something behind the porn. Along with appreciating the depth of stuckness and the scope of consequences, it was also impactful emotionally for some to become convicted around deeper spiritual forces involved in the problem. As one man said, “what I found out was what…really had been happening is I had been giving my heart to something very corrupt, evil, something that was destroying my life – and from my life was destroying others in the process.” (41)

Taylor spoke of seeing the truth about where this was coming from: “When you were first exposed to porn, by yourself, or through someone else, a door was opened. The enemy walked right in, sat down, and took jurisdiction, which is what we call a stronghold.”(38)

Some Christians define a “stronghold,” in Jessica’s words, as “any area of your life where the devil is still holding on strong.” (48) 

From her own experience, Taylor explained further, “When we have a stronghold in our life, our eyes and ears filter through it, so although it is possible to find enough will to say no to pornography, it makes it a lot harder when we have a demon yelling in our ear. It also affects the way we see ourselves, others, and even God.”

Referring to the deep personal shame many can feel, this woman added, “what I want to do right now is completely obliterate those feelings and lies with this simple truth. That moment you were exposed, it was an injustice.” Instead of just individuals being messed up, Taylor emphasized the externality of the problem: “Whether you were 7 years old or 18, the enemy tried to attack your purity, and ever since that day has been attacking that very thing.” (38) 

Believing there is an evil force involved leads some to feel a greater need for deliverance. More than just “a few outward alterations,” one man describes coming to see his need for a deeper “spiritual transformation that was going to require Jesus – the living God – to go into my inner being and begin to extract all the love of sin, the love of self, the pride, the love of the world. It was going to need to be something more than dealing with temptation or pornography – a real transformation.” (41) 

Wholly dependent. Paraphrasing the New Testament, James describes the impact of trying to “keep” himself “as a little child” as a way to keep [himself] from idols.” Why? “Because a little child is totally cast on his father. He knows it, he sees his inadequacy.”

“They know their only hope of redemption, their only hope of freedom, is in the Lord Jesus Christ. They don’t wake up and rely on themselves…A child is helpless.” James added, “I’ll tell you, the Lord’s right hand upholds me, that’s my only hope. That’s it. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it?” He then cites Luke 18:17 which says “Unless you receive the kingdom of heaven as a child, you will not enter it.” (15)

Owning the healing and recovery process. Even after one or many moments of being confronted with the seriousness of one’s stuckness and the harm this behavioral pattern is doing, it can still be a process of taking responsibility and ownership for what needs to happen next. Those who find more lasting healing seem to do this more often than those who do not:

• “I took the responsibility for my recovery,” said Stephen. (20) 

• “Admit that you are responsible for your own actions,” Joshua likewise emphasized, “and that you are responsible for watching pornography.” (18)

Responsibility entails a willingness to accept the work involved. “I prayed a thousand times and I didn't feel like those prayers were answered,” admitted Chris, before expressing his belief that more instantaneous healing didn’t come because God was communicating to him; there were things he needed to learn and do first – “it's called recovery, and it's called treatment, and it's called therapy if need be.”

“In that type of prayer, we're asking for the Savior to intervene in our life. To not take away our agency…” (21)

A part of taking responsibility is recognizing when you’re really just skimming the surface – invoking a need to go deeper. Chris described a time in his recovery when he was supposed to be sharing with other people who were struggling “the things that helped me with regard and there were certain things that I had identified that I tried to utilize in my life as tools, but again it wasn't real recovery.” (21; italics added)

Sometimes well-intentioned family members can take so much responsibility that the person fails to own the problem. Stephen described his wife’s early reactions, “I have got to help my husband deal with this problem. I'm going to help him. So, she did. She really tried. She found a therapist. She found the books. In fact, she found multiple therapists. I participated in therapy. I read some of the books, but I let her read most of them and tell me what she found.” He admitted:

All of this time, I really was not accepting the responsibility, which was mine for my own recovery. I let her do a lot of the work. And she was doing it, I believe, honestly out of love and concern for the relationship. But as I look back on it now, I also felt resentment that she was taking charge. When it was really my responsibility, even though I wanted to let her do it. 

“The responsibility is mine…. I have [the] responsibility to take the actions of recovery.”(20) 

Stephen cautioned to “never give the impression” to a partner “that their behavior or their body shape or their sexuality in the bedroom or whatever is responsible for a man betraying the relationship.”

[That] is not where the responsibility lies. Some will use that as an excuse, some men will. But that, in my opinion, is an excuse and not the truth. Nor is it her responsibility to make sure he's going to the meetings and reading the books and being accountable and all these things, right?

He then described responsibility carrying on to later years of maintaining sobriety: 

My sobriety date goes back to 2005 of August 25, and I'm grateful for that sobriety. But I still go to meetings every week. I still receive calls and make calls daily. I still continue to work the steps. I still read recovery literature, and I read the scriptures. When I got up this morning and read the scriptures, the power of the scripture…it is just a blessing to me to now read the scriptures and say, I know that the power that comes to me through Jesus Christ is available to me when I access it in an honest way. And it's there. And so the advice that's given by most priesthood leaders to become more familiar with the scriptures, strength and testimony, all of those things are critical.

“The true solution is, in fact, Jesus Christ, and the power of the atonement to heal,” Stephen concluded. “However, it doesn't come to us without effort on my part. That's [why] I say I'm responsible for my own recovery.” (20)

Appreciating and accepting the choice that is yours. “Remember that the choice to watch porn or not watch porn” is “a single decision each time” and “at that moment,” said one individual. 

“Each choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing is your choice. …You have a new choice for each temptation. So, make the right choice in each temptation.”

This kind of deeper awareness of where choice does exist is another reflection of deepening responsibility – as well as growing mindfulness, as explored later. (It’s in appreciating the response we have to thoughts and feelings–our thoughts about thoughts, our desire for the desire – and the action we can take to shape this all, and where a growing sense of power can also come.)

#2. Regaining hope that a new life is possible.

It’s easy for anyone facing compulsive-addictive patterns to be persuaded that hope should die. While telling his story of finding freedom now lasting five years, Dave said “I would have not thought a few years ago I could say this. The devil always made me think I was stuck in this sin and could not overcome it – bringing to mind that we’ve fallen so many times, and can never overcome it. He bombards us with those lies.” (2) 

For some, new hope was sparked with being reminded or introduced to the possibility of something that could make a difference – be that, a new individual support, a new support program, or some other kind of pathway forward. At a speech where a school official openly acknowledged that some in the room likely struggled with sexual compulsivity, Jessica said “In that moment, I understood there was hope.”

“Now, someone knew I was here, and for the first time ever, I saw a way out.” (48)

Later, that hope grew after Jessica experienced her first “porn-free break” one summer, after beginning the recovery process. Jessica said she can still “remember the joy that came with that” and a sense of “I can do it!” (48)

In two cases, a spouse’s interest and hope in a program eventually led her partner to likewise feel hopeful:

• Michelle remembers feeling “hopeful” for “the first time in our marriage” after learning of a new program “because a safe place existed for a pastor and his wife to find help without being shamed, condemned or simply fired on the spot.” Although her husband Nick “needed some convincing,” they signed up after she “shared [her] heart.” Immediately they began working with “a wonderful couple who understood addiction, the Bible and what being in ministry is like.” (29)

• “My wife actually found Candeo by doing some research,” Larry said. “My Bishop told me about the LDS ARP program. I started both programs in the next day or two.” He said, “I must admit that I didn’t think either of them would work.  After 50+ years, I didn’t think anything would work, I was too far gone, had made too many mistakes, had told too many lies, etc., etc.” But he recalled, “For the first time in a long time, I had this thing called Hope.” (27)

Another man, Roger, described how Larry’s own story of lasting freedom “gave me hope. For the first time in my life, I felt hopeful for a better future.” (47)

David described a critical process of regaining “confidence, resources and hope that I’ve been searching for to win in the area of my sexual purity that I had lost in for so many years” – this, in the wake of a seemingly “endless cycle of going back to acting out sexually with pornography after promising yourself you wouldn’t go back.” (12)

Increased hope and confidence often involves newfound appreciation for real choices that exist – and regaining a power to pursue them (see “responsibility and mindfulness” themes for more discussion and illustration on this point). 

Matt said, “When I asked Christ into my heart and life, to lead me and heal me – to direct my life and show me him, I felt lighter. I felt like I wasn’t as heavy – like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Like there was hope.” (33)

Men and women describe this hope growing further after beginning to see real improvements and progress. Vinny recollected: “I remember the amazing feelings of hope and confidence I started to feel when I was able to successfully start facing and replacing my urges and triggers without giving in. With each little success, my hope and confidence increased.”(26)

 He added, “Even though you still have moments of weakness and possible slips and setbacks, as you consistently work on and implement tools learned” that success begins to happen, which generates “confidence that over time you really can overcome your unwanted behaviors.” (26)

That hope is critical to staying engaged enough in recovery to begin finding freedom for themselves.

Chantel said: “I didn’t lose hope. There was one day I was sitting there thinking to myself, ‘wow, I don’t have these urges any more. It felt so good.’”  

This woman continued, “If you’re struggling, I want you to know there is hope. And that hope is God. Pray, fast, seek a community –and stay in the word so that your mind is renewed, I guarantee you will be delivered. Don’t believe the lies. God will never condemn us. If you repent, go to him, submit to him, and let him know that you want a relationship with him, and you want him to purify you.” (6)

#3. Realizing there is help available more powerful than your own will.

More than simply being humbled about their past and present and beginning to hope in the possibility of a new future, people described coming to develop a new confidence in a power to lead them into that future.  

Coming to believe in God in the first place. Some who never had any belief in God described arriving at a brand new awareness of a real divine presence as part of finding deeper healing: “That’s the first step – acknowledging that there is a higher power,” Chantel said of her own experience. (6)

Logan described coming to “know the Lord and put my faith in him,” which led him to want to “develop” and “grow in my commitment to holiness even more” – by “trying to stop using porn.” (14) 

It was becoming a committed believer that first prompted some to finally realize what porn was doing to them and resolve to do something about it. As Thomas said: 

It was after I decided to become a Christian in my senior year of High School when I realized I should get rid of pornography in my life. Not because Jesus gets angry if I look at porn. That’s a ridiculous image of Jesus. Like, some kind of angry jerk boss, when Jesus is basically the opposite of that. He cares deeply for me and wants what's best for me — that's why he's given me rules. (9)

Even after a new spiritual encounter, it’s almost always still a process of healing for people. “After giving my life to the Lord, I found myself torn late one night,” another man said. At a hotel, he was surfing channels and flicked past the adult channel – “I moved past it, then came back past it a second time. It was after the 2nd flick past that I really felt torn to view porn or follow Christ.”

The lust took over and he fell back into indulgence. The next morning he became “so convicted by the Holy Spirit,” that he “slammed the door to porn” for good – something he’s “incredibly thankful” for God’s help in doing. (25)

Ken defined faith as “that spiritual thing, if you will, that links you to the power of God” – suggesting that in his experience “two ingredients” were especially “indispensable” to receive that kind of higher help: “Number one, to believe that God is really that good and merciful and willing that He wants to set the sinner free….But the other thing is that He has the power and the ability to do it.” (35)

It was both of these ideas “coupled together” that gave Ken his own “confident assurance” in “crying out to God,” since his pleas – however admittedly desperate they were to him – were “not hopeless because God is going to hear me when I cry out to Him.” (35)

A spiritual awakening to a new spiritual walk. Mark described using pornography so much that he had “become numb” to this pattern in his life for years. “All I wanted to do was quench my impure sexual thirst, and it became a daily routine for me.” Even so, Mark also experienced “feelings of guilt and shame” over his “disgusting behavior and choices.” 

Until, as he put it, “one spring day I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a long time. In the spirit of the prodigal son, I decided to return to my heavenly Father.” (30)

This kind of a “spiritual awakening” as the 12-steps describes it, is a very different focus from what many had attempted earlier in life. Stephen described becoming persuaded that his “addiction is to lust” had “deep spiritual roots,” which led him to realize how critical it was to “seek a spiritual connection with the God of my understanding for the power to restore me to sanity.” (20)

Roger described turning back to “the spiritual path” as well, after realizing “that science and spirituality were brother and sister.” In his words, “Brother helps to explore the outer world, sister helps to explore the inner world.”  Subsequently, he participated in spiritual gatherings in his faith, began meditating, praying, and journaling.  (47)

“Without experiencing a spiritual awakening,” Vinny remarked, “we go throughout life pursuing the emptiness of money, fame, power, and respect in an attempt to find ‘happiness.’” From his experience, he elaborated: 

The unsettling and equally beautiful thing about spiritual awakenings is that they occur at the least expected times. There is no way you can plan for them. They lurch into your life and shake everything up like tornadoes. But the hidden gift buried deep within them is that they occur at the precise time that you need them the most. Whether it happens at the beginning, middle, or late in your journey, it is, in my opinion, critical, for lasting transformation. (26)

“This journey is difficult,” Brett said of his recovery, “but I’m now walking with integrity and purity, and you can too” – adding his witness that “the first step in this journey is that we must trust the only One who can conquer sin — Christ.” (16)

Other Christians spoke similarly. One woman, Taylor, expressed from her own experience, that it was important to ask specifically for deliverance – consciously turning away by saying something like:

I surrender, I repent for partnering with…pornography and masturbation and I ask for your forgiveness, I choose to turn away from it I rebuke and divorce the spirit of porn in Jesus Name. Porn is not my savior. Jesus is my savior. And I close that door now in Jesus Name…I surrender my life including my mind back to you. Amen. (38)

In response to statements like “unless you believe in Jesus as Lord, you’ll never find lasting change,” Vinny said, “If you are a Christian, I get that. What about Muslims, Jews, those of other faiths, are they then unable to find transformation in their own journey because they do not share this belief?”

He went on to share his observation from working with many finding freedom that a “spiritual walk” is “accessible to every man and woman, regardless of their particular religious faith” – with “just having ‘faith and hope and belief in a power greater than one’s self’” something that “can make a vital difference in their journey to freedom.” (26)

Finding a new highest authority. When God is “first,” Joshua shared, “everything else falls into place naturally.” Continuing, he said, “Things like not watching porn, which were once a burden, become natural when He is our master.” And that’s just it, he suggested: “Ultimately, you will have to find a new master.” (18)

“God has invited us to make Him our highest authority,” Nick said – suggesting men and women need to “arrive at a place where we settle in our hearts that this command [from God] is always our very best choice – even when we can’t see why!” 

Nick spoke from his own experience regarding the powerful impact for those who “willingly chose to put their lives under the authority of another whom they believed knew better than they did.”

“Have you come to that place with God?” he asks “If He says it, is that good enough for you?”

“Until you reach this point,” Nick said, “you will struggle mightily to be free of lust, pornography….susceptible to the lies that maybe that route has more promise, more life, than God’s way.” (29)

“To truly heal,” Stephen remarked, “I needed God through His Grace to heal me. This has been most effectively accomplished working the 12-steps,” which allowed him to “put God back into the center of [his] life.” (20)

Arriving at a point of “fearing God alone, contenting yourself in Him,” and “trusting God beyond your own logic,” Nick said, “leads to a level of faith where ‘the doors of freedom begin to open wide!’” 

This involves coming to be “fully under the authority of God in your life, trusting at every turn that where He leads is the best way to go.” “Real” men and women,” he added, “have made the highest authority possible their authority.” (29)

What God can uniquely do. Eric described becoming “really encouraged” by coming to believe in his own life in a “power to find freedom because of the Holy Spirit” – adding, by way of reassurance, “there is freedom in Christ and by the power of the Holy Spirit. You can overcome this sin.” (34) 

Taylor attested, “He is the only one” with the power to do this; (38) with Ken agreeing that in his experience “ultimately, only God can set you free.” (35) 

“If you feel humiliated and shameful for things of the past,” Eva said, “just know God is very merciful and as you come to him, you are literally born again. Take courage in that and allow that to give you light throughout your day.” (7)

Taylor described the impact of her own newfound confidence in God’s ability to help her: “the good news is, Jesus can set us free from this” – reassuring people that “Jesus is not mad at you nor is he ashamed of you, but He is fighting on your behalf, and if we would just rest in His power and His grace, our life would be completely transformed.” (38)

Trusting God more than emotions alone. Compared to trusting his own vacillating emotions, Josh spoke of new stability that had come from “proving” God’s words in his life by trying to live them and trust them. As he puts it, “Jesus is a rock who does not erode over time with my emotions. I’ve proven him at his words – by applying them to life in different areas. When I cast my burdens on him, he proves he cares because they lift off of me.” 

He went on to cite “amazing promises” reflected in teachings about the bread of life, not hungering or thirsting, finding peace, not being weary and heavy laden, and finding the “light of life.” Continuing, “As I’ve been trusting those, they have been proven true in my life.” 

It’s the person of Christ who anchors him, not his feelings; Josh clarifies, “this is not just an emotional thing. He’s being proven in my life, I trust him, I take him at his word and he proves himself.” He then added, “he’s there whether I feel it or not.” (37)

Even if hope falters, this kind of faith appears to be able to ground someone to keep going: “For the upcoming months and weeks, I slowly started to lose hope but not faith as I trusted in the Lord.” (31)

Referring to lustful spirits in her own life, Chantel said, “the one thing that keeps these spirits out is the word of God” – “Meditating on God’s word. Believe it or not, demons are so afraid of God’s word – which the word of God says is the ‘sword’ that’s ‘active and alive.’”  (6)

For one Latter-day Saint man, “it was the thought of the holy covenant of chastity that I made in the Temple of God” that helped him “turn away” from the sexual temptation. A specific covenant of marriage to his wife contributed to the longest stretch of sobriety he’s ever had. “The images still try to lure me, make me search and look.  But the power I have gained through the covenant I made is astounding,” Jackson said. 

“Since [that] day the pull has grown weaker and weaker. I have had slips, but they are few and far between.” (24) 

One Catholic man came to feel it was important to “stay close to the sacraments of confession and Eucharist if I was going to have any chance of maintaining my freedom from the sin of masturbation and any future sins against the virtue of chastity.” Mark then added, “I felt peace knowing that I was in a state of grace and that I was able to hear and feel God’s constant presence.” In that place, he said, “I felt an interior joy, the kind of joy that comes from the assurance that God is in charge of my life and that whatever I do and wherever I go, he is with me.”

Mark now believes “beyond any doubt that the graces I receive from daily Mass and frequent confession are the primary reason for my freedom from sexual sin.” He then said, “I believe in my heart that the virtue of chastity can be obtained, and maintained, solely through the grace of God.” 

At a later point, this same man said, “I had a deep desire to be set free from this sin prior to entering the sacrament of holy matrimony”– desiring to “enter into the sacrament of marriage with a whole heart and a pure mind.” (30)

“The power to overcome does not lie within you alone,” Jackson said. “I spent more than a decade trying to overcome this on my own.  Every time, I failed.  Not until I reached the brink of destruction did I truly do what it really takes to overcome.  I put my fate in God’s hands and trusted the enabling power of Jesus Christ to make me strong enough to succeed.” (24)

Patience in a deeper seeking. Rather than a “quick” or “magic” process, Ken shared his own experience that it “usually doesn’t work that way” when it comes to freedom from compulsive-addictive patterns: 

It's through a process of deliverance and it's only through crying out to God consistently and learning to submit yourself to Him, He gives you that direction in your life. Because He does lay out a path for freedom in His word, but it's only by His grace that we can walk into freedom. 

He then added, “it was a continuous thing; it wasn't like I just cried out to the Lord once and I was free. God kept working in my life until finally one day I looked back and I was free. I wasn't – my life was no longer dominated by this.” (35)

This kind of deeper relationship with God didn’t happen automatically – with many describing an ongoing pursuit and practice of seeking a deeper relationship. Most basically, this includes more time alone with Him – “Any relationship requires time and attention,” Josh said. (37) 

 “We come under God’s rule,” Nick explained; “by reading His Word regularly, by gathering weekly with other believers to hear and embrace truth, and by submitting our will to Him daily through prayer. We choose to listen to the advice of mentors and walk in accountability with others.” (29)

Chantel described noticing how many stories of lasting freedom from pornography involved fasting and prayer, which prompted her to also pray and to fast more. (6) For John, an extended fast was consequential in turning things around: “I went on a four-day fast—and everything changed. I’ve been totally free now for thirty years.” He further recollected how “The entire focus of my prayer life had changed dramatically over that time period.” (1)

Austin described how his prayers became more meaningful – making it “a very intentional thing – to be real with Jesus,” wherein he would say during worship, “I’m not going to put on a religious show for you. This is who I am, and I want to meet with you.” 

This was different from his previous prayers motivated by more self-absorbed reasons of concern at what others thought, he said – admitting that in that prior time of life, there was “no real humility in coming to the Lord – no sincerity and genuineness, no desire for Him.” So much so that he later realizes much of his prior worship was “just for me.” (36)

After watching real freedom arrive in her life, Taylor cautioned people against thinking all is done – “skipping” over other important things that need to take place after pleading for deliverance (which she said is “very helpful” but “doesn’t stop here”). 

This woman went on to advocate for a more continuous consciousness of where that freedom was coming from: “Deliverance sets us free but it doesn’t keep us free, the truth does that, which is Jesus. But deliverance is an important step to taking that ground back.” (38) 

Reflecting this same awareness, another person said, “I’m living a life I don’t deserve because of the work Christ did on my behalf.” (5)

A desperation and passion for God. What made the most difference, Ken remarked “was the prayer, it was the crying out to God; it was believing God wanted to, was willing and He was able to set me free.”

A sincerity and urgency may be especially helpful in this process with Ken calling a “desperation” arguably “indispensable” – the “kind desperation that says, 'I have to be delivered; I have to be set free’” – reflected in the ancient story of  “I must touch the hem of His garment to be made whole, and I'm not going to stop until that happens.” (35)

“That's the desperation we need to find freedom,” Ken said – adding that if people are “not desperate, they're not going to be willing to cry out to God until that happens.” He expressed his confidence that “the same God who was able to cleanse her and deliver her from this physical ailment can do it for you:”

But you have to cry out in faith and believe that God wants to do it and He will do it and keep crying out till it happens. That's the desperation we need. Not a hopelessness that there's no hope (‘maybe God might answer my prayer’) but a desperation that I have to be delivered I have to be set free and Jesus will do it as you cry out to Him and don't stop until you get that deliverance and you get the freedom that you're asking for.

After decades of trying to be free from this compulsive-addictive pattern – “trying to be free, trying to do all the right things,” Ken said, “it wasn't until I really began to cry out to the Lord that I started seeing something happen.”

“As I cried out to Him persistently,” Ken added, “God did that in my life. I got desperate enough to ask and God answered that prayer in a bigger way than I could have hoped for. And today I'm in freedom that I at one time I thought I would never ever experience.” (35)

#4. Learning a lot and rethinking the world.

Some kind of learning process is a near universal part of people’s healing and recovery journeys, often facilitated by the discovery of some recovery ministry or available program of instruction: 

• “A chance encounter with Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries, resulted in Brett’s wife and him beginning a counseling and recovery program. “I had finally met a Christian man who could make sense of what was happening in my life. Ted and his wife navigated us through sexual addiction counseling integrated with a biblical worldview.” (16)

• “I first found the Overcome app and went through those 40 days,” Tony said. “The additional education and sessions helped me immensely to realize that I wasn’t alone. As I started to take the issue seriously, I studied and did research and found more resources. I joined the Fortify community and shared insights and saw others struggling like me. I found Fight the New Drug and read and listened to stories that helped elevate me out of the shame spiral I’d been inside.” (42)

• “Suddenly one day I got a phone call from members of my church inviting me to [the] National Conversation on Pornography;” another individual recounted. “It didn’t cross my mind what to expect but I accepted the invite and represented my church at the conference. Over the two day period, I was educated with the findings from studies from Doctors, advocates, researchers, police and many others who shared very detailed and intricate information on the effects of Pornography on the human body, society, loved ones and the digital world, which had links to many crimes and issues plaguing Trinidad and Tobago.  My highlights of the conference were Dawn Hawkins and the Dirty Dozen list, Clay Olsen Fortify Program and Jerome Alexander's testimony of recovering from porn addiction. Since these three people highlighted their thesis for reducing the porn distribution, solutions to educate and assist young persons’ recovery as well as giving their personal experience so other addicts can relate and know that they are not alone in the struggle. I have been touched dearly by each person’s contribution.” (31)

• Jorge described the discovery of the Fortify app during the pandemic as “the start of my real recovery” – recounting that “I learned so much from the training and was encouraged by the forums that I wasn't alone! I went on a 7-month streak.” (45)

Like the multifaceted ways people connect, it’s common to hear people describe a variety of sources for ongoing learning and growth – especially given the wide range of resources exploring “education on… addiction and what has helped others.”

As one individual said, “I've read books, listened to podcasts, done the Fortify training. All that has helped and [has]been good help in reshaping my thoughts, my beliefs and presenting new tools.” (??)

In many cases, this education opened people’s eyes to the kinds of consequences and true “stuckness” described earlier – as well as tactics, life changes, and needed accountability, likewise reviewed throughout. 

The value of this kind of a “better understand[ing] my addiction to lust through education,” as Stephen put it (20), was widespread – and clearly impactful. When asked what made the biggest difference in finding lasting freedom, Phil picked the educational courses he was taking on pornography recovery. (46)

One man described a “steep and rapid growth curve” in his recovery journey involving both “intense” pain, along with “newly found freedom and hope.” Every week brought some kind of “revelation about myself, about my past patterns, and about what needed to change in my heart.” (29)

Roger spoke of having made “a bunch of self-discoveries” during his recovery process, thanks to a number of individuals support organizations he credits (Fortify, Fight the New Drug, Truth about Porn, High Noon, NCOSE) as well as “listening to philosophical topics on Spotify” and “reading spiritual and philosophical literature.” (47)

Renewing and rewiring thought. Given this, more than one person emphasized that powerful recovery education wasn’t a simple change in perspective or shift in belief. “Many times, the church treats pornography as a belief problem,” Nick said. “In the best way that these believers know how, they love God, believe in Jesus, pray, and lay down their lives. But, this isn’t always enough to cause their behavior to change. Pornography affects the neurochemistry of our brains. Belief in God alone cannot immediately reverse an addiction.”

“For most people, just improving your relationship with God simply won’t be enough” Nick continued from his own experience, “We have to rewire our thinking.” (29) 

Eric came to the same conclusion after asking that his problem be taken away: “I asked God to take the desire away, but He asked me to ‘renew my mind.’ I had no clue how to do that.” Yet he discovered this deeper shift was key to his healing. 

“Satan had a death grip on me for 15 years,” Eric said, “until I truly knew what God meant in Romans 12:2 [where Paul teaches of being “transformed by the renewing of your mind”]. He added, “Transformation occurred as I changed the way I thought.” (34)

Roger describes a process of “reviewing my belief system since I started this journey” and reported having “successfully washed away some of the faulty core beliefs I had.”

“By the way,” Roger added, “I think another thing that has helped me a lot is learning more about myself (my past and present – my true wants and needs).” (47)

More than belief shifts alone, this reflects a deepened discipleship of mind and heart and life. It also reflects a willingness to correct specific beliefs that may be standing in the way – what Nick called “false core-beliefs that were driving my behavior.” (29)

Understand the biological bondage. Part of core recovery education for many is new appreciation of what was really happening biologically with the addiction; “We are not merely making a poor moral choice when we choose to indulge in sexual sin,” Brett said. “A powerful chemical neurotransmitter called dopamine, or the ‘gotta have it’ molecule, is released in our brains when we view porn or act out sexually.” He added, “There is more knowledge about how the brain works now than ever before. Sexual addiction is not just a moral problem; it is also a brain problem.” (16)

This kind of physiological awareness can be influential and consequential. In one man’s story, Nick insisted he would stop porn once married to his wife, “but without seeing the pattern driving his addiction, nothing stopped.” He went on to describe the impact of being “shown how brain science complemented a foundation of biblical truth to create lasting change in my thoughts and actions.” (29)

In the absence of this kind of insight, people can have superficial understanding of why they feel so stuck: “I knew nothing about the brain chemistry and knew nothing about treatment and nothing about addiction,” Chris said, “and so again, it's just a bad habit you have to stop.” (21)

Someone’s precious daughter. Many spoke of the impact of coming to see the true nature and worth of women (and men) differently. This involves seeing them for who they truly are – “Then I saw a video featuring a performer that I had followed for some time,” Tony recollects. “For a second, I saw through the façade. I saw through the illusion and realized that porn is an act—a lie. It was only a second. A glimpse. But it was enough that I decided I needed to try a new strategy.” (42) 

This kind of education was crucial for lasting freedom, even if people experienced profound deliverance prior: 

When I was delivered, I still had to restrain myself – no I’m not going to look – but God started renewing my mind and it started getting into my heart. The realization that that girl that I used to look at is made in the image and likeness of God – she’s some daddy’s little girl, she’s precious to God. When that revelation hit my heart, I could no longer look at a girl as a piece of meat, or as something for pleasure for me. I now saw her as crowned with glory and honor – because God said he crowned human beings with glory and honor, who were made in the likeness of God. (1)

“What that person needs is a revelation in your heart,” John said – “when I was bound to pornography, I didn’t have God’s heart for women.” By comparison, “If I see that woman as created in the likeness and image of God – when we truly get this in the heart, we’re totally set free.”

“It used to be I had a desire for pornography – I could be enticed,” John said, in describing the impact of this profound shift away from desiring porn. “You have to change the desires of your heart, by renewing your mind and getting God’s heart towards women. Once that happens, you won’t look upon women to look after them any longer.” (1)

Another man likewise said, “now I’m free. And it’s just beautiful, because I’m not lusting anymore. Because I see the worth that is in women” – which precisely made what was happening to these women painful to realize: “What I’m watching – these actors in the porn industry, they’re basically slaves.” (2)

Realizations about the broader impact on these women was also significant. As Thomas recollected, “I knew I needed to quit because not only was I warping the sexual expectations in life,  I was helping to perpetuate an entire industry that treats people like commodities  — which is loathed by any philosophical or moral system worth its salt.” (9)

“Think for a moment about the reality that these are real people, many with tormented pasts and very painful childhoods, who have had that pain exploited,” Joshua said. “Just imagine them as a child crying in their bed at night, wishing they could escape their situation and to someday have a wonderful life.” 

He then described the “real toll” pornography takes on “women on mean, and the reality of who they target for their performers” – and learning about “the truth about the pain women in the porn industry go through” – the “trauma many of them experience in their childhoods, and the pain that all [of] them experience once they are inside the industry.” 

“I was exposed to the reality of how the porn industry many times takes people who are vulnerable, and sometimes even homeless or runaways, and exploits them.” 

Like a homeless woman on the side of the street, he realized many of these performers were equally “hurting, desperate, in need of help and protection.” 

The gravity of this thought impacted him – “I had figuratively been preying on homeless and desperate women when I watched porn….watching on my computer the “tired, the poor, those yearning to breathe free” – covered up by a “mask of makeup and hygiene.” (18)

“That revelation startled me. My sin was far more evil than I had ever believed it to be.” Joshua is quoted at length below:

“I started only then to see the women as human beings with souls, broken childhoods, people who were helpless and should have been cared for, but instead, were being taken advantage of. How would I feel about taking advantage of the girl whose father beat her? A girl who had been victimized over and over again by either family, friends, or strangers? Was that attractive? Did I think it was hot to exploit a girl who was a runaway because she couldn’t cope with molestation or a broken family or was forced to sell her body to feed her children? That was called prostitution and, in truth, that’s what porn is.”

“The mask fell off. The women were no longer objects. They were real women with sometimes torturous pasts and vulnerable pain on those videos…who, as a man, I should be helping and not exploiting. I was being a predator without even knowing it.”

To drive home the point, he later asked, “who is the most vulnerable and innocent person you know? Answer yes or no whether you would abuse that person so they are able to survive. 

If a homeless woman “offered to give you oral sex in exchange for food and shelter,” what would you do? This man continued: you would “say no and give her food and shelter and protect her from men who would take advantage of her.”

Women in porn videos are “selling themselves like that.” 

“With my ignorance lifted, I could not go back. Not only did I see the consequences of my actions and the reality of what I had been doing, but I was truly disgusted by it. I could not go back to my old ways. (18)

“I could excuse any statistic because they were just numbers to me. I didn’t really associate the numbers with real people. But when faced with the reality that these women are wounded, hurting , and need to be cared for, that they were once children playing with toys and had dreams of being something other than abused, then my soul could not ignore the virtue within it. We have a natural desire to protect those who are defenseless and to be vehemently disgusted at the exploitation of the hurting. All that is needed to defeat the desire to watch porn is realizing what porn really is: Participation in the abuse and exploitation of another human being.”

Joshua acknowledged the personal impact of coming to a “legitimate sorrow for what you have done” – not in the spirit of “self-condemnation,” but in the sense of “how messed up this world really is and how messed up the thing is that you have been doing.” 

This new knowledge made him “sick” – not due to the “shame of being caught or guilt in the afterthought,” but instead “sick about the reality of how evil porn is and the damage it does on the people you are now loving and caring for.” For him, this evaporates the desire to participate. (18)

“That knowledge changed me. I found humanity in the women who were having sex on the screen. The women were no longer things for my addiction; they were hurting people being forced or coerced into a life of shame and perpetual pain. From that moment forward, my addiction was only a few months away from being completely washed away.” 

Even more than reflecting on these people, Joshua went on to share how powerful it had been for him to “pray for the men and women who are being abused.” Pray for the “healing of their bodies, restoration of their broken hearts, rest from the pain and shame of their abuse, and encouragement to leave their situation.” He continues, “Even pray for those who are hurting them, that they, too, will change.” (18)

Seeing true love and intimacy. Dave recollects coming to see more clearly “the false concept of love” that was spreading, essentially “defining love as what porn is” and hinting that “everyone is having sex with everyone else.”

“And that’s not real love,” he said. “And that’s what God made me realize to help me overcome lust.”

This helped him see that “urges to have sex are beautiful and designed for marriage.” By contrast, the “world has switched it up in such a perverse, wicked way – so that our generation is getting brainwashed more and more.” (2)

Even the women who were being mistreated, Jessica said “looked happy.” They “looked like they liked it.” Since she “wanted to be happy like them,” she drew the conclusion that “true happiness was found in sex.” 

Vinny described the power of “feeling and thinking differently, particularly when it comes to seeing and appreciating a whole person as opposed to narrowly focusing on body parts.” People in true recovery, he continues, “begin to realize that sexual thoughts and urges are a normal, healthy part of life and how they harness and direct those urges is the key. Their thoughts and attitudes about the human body and sexuality begin to transform and become healthy.” (26)

Jorge described benefit from a course by Taylor Chambers on moving towards healthy engagement in sexuality, including fundamental teachings on “wise restraint, enjoyable expression, the vital life, a band of brothers, and a higher purpose” for intimate relationships. (45)

Reflecting on prior confusions, one woman Taylor said, “We know sex was made for the covenant of marriage, but what the enemy has tried to do is distort that very image, and give you this fake comfortable feeling while watching porn like it's normal when in fact watching people have sex is not normal.” (38) 

“Now I talk about sex freely,” Jessica said, “but only in the way God intended.”(48)

Colby described a renewed sense of loyalty from what he had learned – “I refuse to force my wife to share me with actresses in pornography videos, and this lifestyle can be pointed back to when I was first introduced to Freedom Fight.” (13)

Deeper learning about patterns and influences. In addition to specific shifts in beliefs, people spoke of the power of seeing more deeply various influences in one’s past and around them today: 

“There are roots (deep reasons) for everything we do,” Taylor said, “so by walking through the healing process, whether it’s going to counseling, talking to a mentor, or having your own private times with Jesus, He will expose and heal those roots.”

Taylor continued, “If you cut down a real tree, you can see the history of the tree as well as its future. You can see whether it was dying and unhealthy or if it was living and thriving. I had a good mentor of mine put it this way if a tree represented our life, what would they find? If someone were to cut our trunk and look at the roots underneath, which are our beliefs, world-views, traumas, or childhood, are the roots living or dying? How healthy our roots are, shows how healthy the tree will be. So if we have undealt with trauma, unforgiveness, or shaky beliefs, our tree (our life) will be affected.” (38)

Vinny spoke of finding himself “working more on preventing my unwanted behaviors by dealing with the underlying issues instead of waiting until I was in a crisis and then trying to resist acting out.” (26)

Sometimes this kind of deeper learning is prompted precisely by recognizing the surficial nature of one’s current habits – and the need to go deeper. Chris recollects trying to share some lessons with others struggling from his own experience, before having to admit to himself, but “it wasn't real recovery.” (21)

Education alone is not enough. This education can be powerful for many – but there is a caution. “When I first started my journey, I was studying lots of porn-based literature, studies, No fap blogging, podcast listening, etc.”

While this man still does recovery work, he said “they are measurably less, as I have concentrated my efforts into a different focus” – namely, “daily investments in building my character.” (22)

Eva describes turning to “binging” “hours on sermons and podcasts” during a dark period – so “fixated” on seeking more head knowledge that she “never truly built a relationship with Jesus.” (7)

Matt warned those who “want to think ourselves into the right action,” cautioning that “our relationship with porn has been honed over years of repeated involvement. We have conditioned ourselves by returning to it, over and over.” (19)

For that reason, Matt encouraged people beyond thinking and learning alone to the actions crucial for healing. “Any useful knowledge we acquire is quickly overridden by our own desire and cravings” Matt added, which is why the AA Big Book famously says “self-knowledge availed us nothing.” 

“Our knowledge alone cannot change us.” He summarizes – joking about an adaption of Waiting for Godot, called “Waiting for Recovery” where two guys sit around “talking about recovery, but not doing anything. Spoiler alert: recovery never comes.” 

The idea that we will be “able to think our way out of this” is something that needs to be let go of, he concludes – along with the tendency to “search for a less painful way to quit. One that doesn’t involve giving up things we like, looking bad, or asking for help” – presuming that if we “find the right article or idea, we’ll do the right thing.” 

There is a “big difference between being aware of a problem and deciding to change,” Matt said. (19)  

Loving truth, not just knowing it. “It’s not truth that will keep us from deception,” John pointed out, “it’s the love of truth. It’s not just knowing truth – it’s loving truth. When you want that in the innermost parts of your heart more than you want anything else.” (1)

This is about cultivating a love for something even better than porn – through a “revelation in the heart.”  Josh described having brand new experiences with sacred things he had been raised to believe – “all these things that I had heard in the church before, I saw with new eyes. I heard with new ears. The word had life in it for the first time. What always was taught to us became so personal and real.” (37)

One woman described beginning to see the word of God begin to enter her husband’s heart – including a moment where she saw him “being so broken over what he was reading and identifying so much over his sin – and seeing his own story in those pages.” (5) 

“The word of God needs to go from our minds to our hearts,” John said, “how that happens is through meditating on the word of God day and night, God said – you begin to mull, ponder, speak to yourself, ‘how does this scripture apply to me’ – and as you continue, it somehow goes from your head to your heart.” (1) Chantel spoke of the power of “meditating on God’s word” for dissipating dark energy. (6)

“Once the word gets into your heart,” John continued, “the deep places of our heart, they can threaten your life – to kill you – and you won’t change, because it’s so deep in here.”

He added, “There’s a time period where you have to be renewed in mind and have to restrain ourselves. But eventually, if you keep meditating you won’t even be tempted. You can’t be enticed by something you have no desire for.”

“What’s interesting now, is pornography has flashed before me since – like in Europe – when I see that now, I’m repulsed by that,” John said. “What used to be like a magnet that would draw me in, God’s grace truly delivered me. And now I’m repulsed by it, and I don’t have any desire for it. So it literally changed the desires of my heart.” (1)

#5. Embracing a new source of comfort, love and connection.

As real and consequential as the negative effects of pornography is, in billions of lives, there is something else the use of porn offers in the moment that feels positive to people. 

Porn as comfort, connection and consolation. People who find lasting freedom often speak of coming to understand what porn use had been “doing for them”:

• “Porn can become our safe place, and when we need something whether it's love, affirmation, or peace, we run to it. Our brain gets rewired to crave it,” Taylor said. (38) 

• “Both watching porn and hooking up were coping mechanisms I was tied to,” Colby said. “Now I know I don't have to chase the next video or partner to feel temporarily satisfied or confident.” (13)

• “Anytime I felt lacking, pornography was always there to buoy me up again,” Nick recollects. (29)

Jessica described feeling repulsed by her first taste of pornography and how the women were treated – “something in my gut told me this was wrong.” Yet she said “something drew me in.” namely, “these women were being accepted.” She thought at the time that this is what all those “acceptable cheerleaders” must be “doing after school in the back seat of the local movie theater.” And “this is what was required” of her as a young woman “in order to be accepted.” (48)

Reflecting on subsequent years of porn use, Jessica recollected “I guess it helped me to feel that somebody out there was enjoying themselves and that, somehow, I could have some feeling of enjoyment, even if it was only temporary and was always followed by overwhelming guilt.” (48)

Matt reflected on “a porn star with sparkling eyes whose gaze would always make me feel seen.” He also remarked on the “ridiculous premises” involved in the films, which “invited me into a fantasy of feminine intimacy, where I was the object of adoration. Where I was wanted” – a pull he admitted that “can still be powerful in my life.” (19)

Another way that some say this is: “pornography is not my problem, pornography is my solution.”

A long-term relationship of passion. Matt went on to emphasize the “relationship you have formed with porn over your lifetime.” (19)

As Henri Nouwen once wrote, “our brokenness is often most painfully experienced with respect to our sexuality” – which “reveals to us our enormous yearning for communion, the desires of our body to be touched, embraced, and safely held” – which “belong to the deepest longings of our heart.” (19)

This helps explain why this isn’t like quitting caffeinated soda. “I had patterns of behavior that were more powerful than my ability to believe and perform them away,” Nick said. “I couldn’t ‘want’ the change bad enough to make it happen….We can’t ‘want’ this bad enough to make it happen.” 

“Our brains have been significantly affected through the years by choices, experiences and relationships. These have created behavioral pathways that we will travel down no matter what promises we have made to others. We cannot perform our way out. But we can train the brain.” (29)  

Bringing attention to emotional needs. One man described a “light” that went on when he realized his  struggle had had “a lot less to do with pornography and more to do with my emotions, my feelings, how I process those.” He called this “one of the greatest aha moments I've had in recovery,” because it has “less to do with pornography and more to do with other needs” that are “not being met or voids that we have in our life.” In his experience, this has been “critical to understand[ing] and recovery.” 

“There really is strength and power in identifying why do I have an inclination to self-medicate,” he continued, “What void am I trying to feel when I do that? And if you can identify that, then recovery begins to happen.” 

It can also be valuable, he suggested, to try to “identify whatever voids are present or childhood trauma or behaviorally.”

Rather than doing any of this, of course, we go to war with drugs “as if drugs are the problem” – presuming that “if we get rid of drugs, then the addiction issues will go away.” He adds, “Well, we know that's not true. People will just self-medicate with something else.” (21)

Self-care as basic kindness. “At the beginning, it’s hard to see our real needs,” Matt said. “They are obscured by the shame of our porn use” – combined with the fact that the “habit of going to porn is a quick reflex and it feels automatic.” (19)

Yet in his experience, self-care was basically a reflection of “being kind to yourself” and “recognizing your worth” enough to invest in “restorative activities.” Don’t expect others to model this for you, however, Matt suggested, since “very few men are adept at knowing their needs and taking care of them.” 

Seeing the truth about your heart. As you can see, people speak of coming to appreciate the love and desire they’ve come to bestow on the target of addictive-compulsive behavior. More than just safety, this can provide excitement and connection, with another realizing, “Yeah, I was desperate, but the truth was, I wanted it, I wanted pornography – even though it was destroying my life.” After all, Josh remarked, it’s only “natural to pursue what we love.” He added, “My real life – the thing that was driving me in life was my desire for sexual pleasure – it was what I loved, thought about and consumed.” (37)

Nick recollected attending a conference for pastors in his district:

At this event, Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries, spoke about God’s reckless, amazing love for us, as displayed in the story of Hosea and Gomer. He encouraged us as pastors to see that we were Gomer in the story, abandoning God’s love for the false promises of sexual sin and pornography. (29)

Another man recollected, “what I found out was what…really had been happening is I had been giving my heart to something very corrupt, evil, something that was destroying my life – and from my life was destroying others in the process.” (41)

“The root of everything– it is a heart issue,” James said – “The reason I was going to pornography was that I was selfish.” He added: 

So I challenge you guys out there – examine your hearts, because everything is a heart issue, it always goes back to the heart. And that’s so important to realize. Because we must pursue the Lord, As I heard brother Bob say, “With no strings attached to the world.” Everything out of the way. I hope this encourages you guys out there. 

John recollects asking in prayer, “God, you delivered my friend – I’ve been crying out…why haven’t you delivered me?” The answer, “Because you still like it.” 

This man realized, “How can God deliver me from something I like and desire.” (1)

“The real problem is us. We are selfish,” Joshua said. “We are willing to get pleasure at the expense of others and use them as objects, not treating them as the human beings they are. As viewers of porn, we are at fault.” 

He cautions, “don’t let this make you feel bad, but let it stir you to action.” 

“You do not watch porn because ‘you’re a man’ or ‘you’re a woman’ or because you’re hopelessly addicted,” this man added. “You watch porn because you desire porn more than anything else.”

“Pornography is the antithesis or exact opposite of manhood and womanhood. And no one is hopelessly addicted to it.”

“Remember, porn is selfish,” Joshua says. “The fight against porn is a fight against selfishness.” (18)

Dismantling desire. That led Joshua to see the risk in fighting “against the desire of pornography.” Instead, he came to emphasize the power of learning what it takes to “no longer desire to watch pornography” so that we could have “freedom for the rest of our lives.” 

He admits wanting to stop pornography for years, but not doing “anything about my desire to watch porn.” 

 “In overcoming porn,” Joshua shared, “it is essentially that we dismantle it at that strong and immediate desire.” After all, he said, however obvious it may sound, “you will never watch porn if you are not attracted to porn.” (18)

By way of encouragement, this man continued, “I once thought that watching porn was an inescapable fate, something I was doomed to do for the rest of my life whether I wanted to or not. Now I am free from the desire to watch porn. I literally cannot believe who I was before.” (18)

Chasing after other loves. After ceasing porn and masturbation, Eva described falling into depression as she began to “grieve those things.” Without realizing this grieving was taking place, she recollects replacing the former pornography with TV, which likewise effectively “separated me from God – because I had no time for him, and for relationships, because [I] had no time for husband or daughter.”

Later, Eva then “replaced TV with career, started to become a workaholic, never saw my daughter, husband and never had time for God.” She describes herself at the time as “fixated on trying to fill places that only God could.”

Finally, this woman felt like she came to see through revelation how she had “replaced God with my career – it wasn’t like I went to the Bible and God, I went to this …this is better than that.” So, she “repented and got better, not so fixated on my career.” (7) 

James recollected how video games became “my god, my idol, and it went hand in hand with Internet and pornography because that computer — I was there, literally in my heart, bowing down and worshiping that as my god.”

Later, this man again described coming to see his own online ministry as the source of his well-being “where I would gain my joy from my performance.” He reflected, “You see, you can make anything a god. You can make freedom from sexual sin a god. You can make anything a god – and that’s what I had done.” (15)

Becoming what we love. “We are all in the process of becoming,” A.W. Tozer writes. “We have already moved from what we were to what we are, and we are now moving toward what we shall be. The perturbing thought is not that we are becoming, but what we are becoming; not that we are moving; but toward what we are moving. We are becoming what we love.” 

Matt suggests that this compels us to grapple with this question: “What do we love? If we no longer are going to porn, where is our focus? What do we value?” (19) And also, who are you without porn? 

“The turning point for me with recovery came with the realization that ‘what you behold is what you become.’” (22)

Knowledge instead of a relationship. Even the pursuit of spiritual knowledge itself can become a distracting love. After falling into depression, one woman describes turning to “binging” “hours on sermons and podcast[s]” – “fixated” on seeking more knowledge – so much so that she “never truly built a relationship with Jesus.”

When it came to more direct communion, Eva adds, “I would give maybe 15 minutes, compared with hours of podcasts. It wasn’t me and God’s connection, it was them and God’s connection. I knew about Him, but I didn’t know Him. None of it fulfilled me [compared with] building a true relationship with Jesus.” (7)

“God is the one who fulfills me,” Eva says now. “My relationship with God is what fulfills me. My Savior – who sustains me, who fulfills me.” (7)

Eric described an intensive school “all about knowing God” which helped him “begin to understand the Father Heart of God for you and the world” and “learn how to hear God’s voice.”

“Yes, God speaks!” he said, “Sometimes audibly, but usually just a simple impression on our hearts.” One of the main takeaways from that experience was “learning how to read the Bible and spend time with God daily.” (34)

Yet another man spoke of coming to realize he too wasn’t really seeking a relationship. “James, you want to stop the sin, the pain – you don’t want a greater relationship to me. You don’t want to be close to me,” he said, describing the feeling he got in prayer. 

“When the battle changed from try to stop looking at porn – to try to know God better, suddenly victory was mine over pornography. Because I wanted to know the Lord. The bible verses took on new life – yes, this is me. You want to know me!”

Citing Isaiah 26:3 “you give perfect peace to those whose hearts are fully committed to you,” James spoke of “fully committing our hearts – love the lord our God with all of our heart, soul and strength.” At that point, he said, “Jesus was really able to begin doing some massive work in my life.” (8)

Better closeness – Intimacy that beats porn.  Rather than turning elsewhere for emotional needs, people describe the power of learning they can turn directly to Him. “If we allow God to come into those dark, hidden, and hurting places,” Taylor said, “God can first heal us, and second, renew our minds to come to Him instead.” (38)

Instead of seeking to fill this void elsewhere, [a] solution in God – finally! “When [I fell] in love with Jesus, there was something that immediately, instinctively [I] knew “this is it – this is going to be the thing that carries me.” Austin continued, “That thing was the thing that I knew – I’m home, I’m right inside now, I’m going to have victory.” (36) 

Citing David’s comment to Jonathan, “Your love is better to me than the love of women” – Austin said, “Wow, I can love Jesus and can have that relationship – and that can be real to me. That thing I was always seeking for – that void I was seeking inside, that I was trying to fill with love from other sources, now is filled with the love from Jesus. ….he is the supply, the source, I am receiving from him what I need and lack.” (36)

Of course, it can also be helpful to turn to others to work through emotional needs – something described in greater detail in another section–As one man recounts:

Sometimes I'll get a text from a guy that says, hey, do you have a minute? And they'll call and tell me “I felt resentment.” Anything will resent my [connection] with addiction. Well, it is because it's a negative emotion, right? And if we don't deal with that, if we don't process that, then we're going to be very susceptible to those triggers. And the brain says, I know how to get relief. You know how to get relief. Let's just do this. And that's the solution, right? 

But there is a unique power in the supernatural support – compared with most anything else. Josh, who described seeing himself sharply deteriorate, then said, “but when Jesus entered into my life and offered me mercy and forgiveness and offered to be with me to the end of my age and offered himself to me, that changed me. I’m not that person anymore – not that Gollum creature:

The cross was unveiled to me in such a profound way, that it allowed me to let go. I saw what Jesus did – loved me and took my place, and seeing that for the first time really, allowed me to let go. That was life changing, because now Jesus was my desire – Jesus was what I was going after now. (37)

God first. Jason said he had “been able to be free of those things because of Jesus Christ. I don’t want 

anything else to be first anymore.” (32)

“Every time you want to give into lust, it’s because you want to fill something in you that is empty,” Dave said. “But you all know you only feel good when you do it, and will eventually feel like rubbish.” 

“True satisfaction can only come from God,” he continued. “God is the only one who can give you true satisfaction. He is living bread and water.” (2)

“I had to first give my life to God,” Chantel said. “The first step is going to God and let him know you want to surrender your life to him, that you want him to be your one and only and you don’t want anything to come between him and the relationship you are building with him. That’s the first step.” (6)

Even so, how exactly to do this isn’t entirely clear at first. When one of her mentors told her “you have to love God more than you hate the sin,” Jessica said “that sounded great,” but “I had no clue how to do that. How does loving God look?” And “What does it mean to hate sin” and to “love God more”? (48)

God loves me even in this and through this. Sometimes the experience of struggle itself appears to teach people more and more the kind of being they say they are trusting. “I[‘d] ask God for forgiveness, and then went and did it over and over and over,” Dave said. “But he forgave me all the times.” (2)

Chantel described pr[a]ying for forgiveness – “it wasn’t easy, because even as I would pray and fast, I would still masturbate.” (6) Recognizing overwhelming love through the repetition – of falling over and over, and needing to call for him over and over. 

One man felt a tug to go and get the Bible and [read] the Book of Romans – “I had never read any of this before,” turning to Romans 5 “while we were still enemies, God wanted to prove his love for us, and sent Christ to die.” 

This text deeply moved him.  “My father loved me unconditionally[,] truly despite everything I had done, the darkness I had lived in. Even knowing that, God wanted to prove his love for me – and sent his son to die for me. To die the death that I really deserved.”

That became “truly the turning point that God gave us a new marriage” (with three years of sobriety) (5) – with his wife saying of that moment, “I’d never seen him moved by anything he read in the Bible.”

Moving beyond a fearful relationship. Some noted a shift in how they came to approach God. During the time when he couldn’t get free, John described his prayers as focused on…the negative consequences of sin and worry about disruptions to his life. Yet he reflected: 

Fear will always keep you a slave. It lacks the power to set you free. It is a tyrant. And while it may operate under the guise of protection, it stems from selfish roots…. At the core of my ongoing struggle with pornography was self-centeredness—so how could fear, which focuses one’s attention inward, possibly lead me to freedom? Fear is never a strong enough reason. It won’t lead you closer to God. (1)

“What set me free was love—love for God and love for others,” reported John. “But in those nine months leading up to that fast where I got completely delivered, the language of my prayers changed. I started praying, “God, I want to know You the best a man can know You. I want to walk intimately with You. Keep me from doing anything that hurts Your heart.” This man continued:

In other words, the focus of my prayers had pivoted from being self-centered to other-centered. My primary concern was no longer the fear that my sin would limit me from my calling. It was that I didn’t want to hurt the heart of the ones I loved—neither God, nor my beautiful wife, Lisa. Where my primary motivation before had been fear, my new motivation was love. 

Reflecting on a key to his freedom that now spanned a decade, John said: 

That was a game-changer. When my prayer life shifted, getting free became about something so much more. The driving force for change was that I didn’t want to hurt the heart of the one I loved. It wasn’t a worldly sorrow focused on myself. It was a godly sorrow that led to true repentance. When I saw how much God loved me, it pained me greatly that I would ever do anything to hurt Him. How could I possibly go on grieving the One who loved me so deeply? (1)

Even when people come to believe in God, as reflected above, it’s easy for that relationship to be one of fear and shame. Shifting beyond that to something deeper is powerful. Thomas recounted: “One day, I decided that if I looked at porn, I wasn’t going to beat myself up about it. I would pick up and move on. I would trust this Christian message I had been told that God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.” 

“You would not believe how fast porn faded from my life after years of addiction when I changed my outlook,” he continued. “Instead of letting the old tapes play in my head of, ‘I’m a piece of crap who can’t stop looking at smut,’ I went with, ‘I screwed up today, but God still loves me, and I’m gonna try to let that change me tomorrow, but if I don’t, God will still love me tomorrow too.’ And you know what? When I got rid of the part of the cycle where I beat myself up, the cycle broke down.  The thing driving me to look at porn was the fear of looking at porn. Crazy, right?”

Thomas added: 

Now, maybe you have no issue with porn. We all have our own struggles. Maybe it’s drugs or alcohol or cutting or sex or anger or one of a million other things for you. But you know what I believe? I believe that God made you, I believe that God knows everything about you, and I believe in the midst of that, God chooses to love you; and nothing can change that fact.

You’re not just an addict. You’re a human being with an addiction. Your value doesn’t come from what you do, it starts with who you are. And who you are [is] loved by someone who was willing to do whatever it takes to save you from yourself. 

So if you’re wrestling with an addiction, please do me a favor, and get rid of the part where that addiction defines who you are in your own mind. Instead of "a guy with a porn addiction," I let myself believe that I was "a guy who God loves." For me, it was the key to everything. (9)

As Vinny put it, “It is intimacy we seek, and intimacy we lack, and we ought to begin understanding what that looks like and feels like, because it is not just ‘sex.’ Discovering what intimacy really is, helps us work towards what we really seek, and not what Hollywood or the Porn industry have been trying to teach us through a distorted and unhealthy kind of counterfeit intimacy.” (26)

For me too? Larry reflected how at the beginning, he “didn’t feel like the atonement applied to me” – something he’s found that many other men experience. “I was wrong, and as I felt my Heavenly Fathers love, I realized that I could be forgiven and move forward” – describing the following text as a “great salve to my soul”:

 “The gospel teaches us that relief from torment and guilt can be earned through repentance. Save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fulness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness.” -Boyd K. Packer (27)

Someone I can trust and love completely. Austin spoke of “Commitment like what you’d think of a husband and wife falling in love – but that has more to do with commitment than emotion, tied to who the person is.”

“For me,” he continued, “seeing who Jesus was and what he did caused a response to me in my heart – out of gratitude, I want to commit my life to you. Out of gratitude for what you’ve done, my life is yours. And I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. And out of that, there comes this commitment of, ‘I’m going to live this way.’” 

“Something about them that captivates you and draws you to them – in response to that, you give yourself to them,” Austin said. “Lowliness [is the] first thing that really captured me and undid me. That is one thing about Jesus I never saw. Seeing my pride in relation to his humility, lowliness – his relationship to me in that pride, coming under, serving me, washing my feet, even though I was walking over his name, even though I was dragging him through the mud – completely undid me. I didn’t know what to do with that. I saw – this is God, this is who he is at his heart. And I want that. That is so attractive to me.” (36) 

Josh remarked on “the grace he offers to sinners – totally guilty, but in spite of that, ‘I do not condemn you.’ He was “saving me by taking my execution. The strength of that mercy – the enduring quality of that mercy. “Surely goodness and lovingness will follow all the days of my life.”

“To be with me throughout all the days of my life, he said, “that kind of enduring mercy, I love that about Him.” (37)

Pursuing God, instead of freedom. James recollects hearing someone reflecting on his progress in recovery, “It’s incredible what God’s done in your life,” and on and on – but he said, “I sat there and I realized that God had done nothing in my life. It was all a work of James. I had worked so hard to clean the outside of the cup, yet I had no new heart from God. I wasn’t born again.”

“And I can remember that night I cried out to God and He saved me.” James went on to describe how easy it was to cry out to the Lord in trust, and yet to trust his own works – “trying to merit my acceptance before God by my freedom.”

“And that’s what happened, that night – the living God… The living God invaded my life. I had the battleships of the Spirit of God, they pulled up alongside my little fortress of sin and they unloaded with all full force upon my little fortress, and it demolished it. That was 3 years ago and God did that radical work.” 

From his experience, James continued: 

That’s the only reason that I’m not going back to any sin, is because I’m satisfied with Christ….Are there struggles? Are there battles against sin? You better believe it. This is an all-out war. But as [my] brother has said, “You are delivered by your desire for Christ because your desire for Christ is greater.” 

You see, when you’re satisfied with Christ, you don’t need to go prostitute yourself to an idol. If you’re satisfied with your marriage with Christ. You won’t need to go prostitute your heart to some idol. Because you’re satisfied with that intimacy you have…It’s not a burden to be alone with the lover of my soul. It’s not a burden to want to read the love letter that He’s given me. The burden is when I do sin. 

“As long as you pursue freedom from pornography, as long as you’re thinking your problem is pornography addiction, you’ll never find freedom.”

James said further: 

The worst thing that can happen is that you do find freedom, while pursuing freedom from pornography. And then, you pat yourself on the back and you think that everything is fine. Yet still, if you’re not born again, if you’re not a lover of Christ, if you don’t have intimacy with Him, you’ve still got the wrath of God over you. You’re still a child of the devil and an enemy of God. So your problem is not solved. 

Then why is it you’re still trying to pay something? You’re still trying to say, “God, look what I’ve done. I’ve got sixty days of freedom. What? How is God impressed with sixty days of freedom? Christ was free for all of an eternity. That is the only hope of salvation. That is the only way. 

James elaborated from his experience: 

And as you pursue Christ, as you trust in Him, you will find freedom from the addiction to sin and freedom from sexual sin. Freedom from sexual sin and from any sin doesn’t [come] from looking that sin in the eyes and saying “I better overcome that.” It comes from finding that which is more beautiful which is Christ, and as you see Him, as you look to Him and you see Him as better then you’ll naturally overcome it. (15) 

He reiterated: 

Lord, if You don’t help me I can’t stand. Lord, I can’t stand on that Judgment Day, unless I’m dressed in the beautiful righteousness of Your Son. I can’t stand against lust. I can’t stand against all the thousands of billboards and all the wicked ads, and all the perverted sexual Facebook pictures, and all these things. Lord, I can’t stand against this, unless I’m standing and abiding in Your Son. Unless I’m trusting in Him alone for my joy, for my satisfaction, for my salvation alone. 

“I was always talking about freedom from pornography when I was lost, because that was my god. And now – you know – to have the preciousness of Christ – to know that He became sin for me and He suffered the wrath of God. God slaughtered His only Son on the cross for my sins personally. That is just incredible, it’s amazing.”

Then speaking directly to people struggling, James said, “And you, right here, who are more worried about freedom from sexual sin, and you’ve got all the knowledge in the world, if you’ll forsake your greatest sin, of rejecting Christ.” 

I quote more at length from James below, given his unique experience (an interesting contrast to others in the sample): 

Here’s something I want to emphasize is, and it’s so huge — my god was freedom, my God was not Christ. I was pursuing freedom instead of pursuing Christ. 

I wanted to be free of pornography, to be free of masturbation so badly. I wanted to get it out of my life. I remember a relationship I was in [and] I thought, “Well, if I ever marry this person, how will I ever live with myself, being married and still looking at pornography.” I thought, “I don’t want to be in a situation like that.” 

It was all this grief that was motivating his pursuit of freedom – instead of anything else. “It was not Christ. I had not seen the cross as precious at all. I was totally deceived.”

Once I got enlightened that “I need freedom,” I pursued freedom and not Christ. If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. But it’s “the Son who sets you free.” It is not your own self. We must give up on our own power. Jeremiah 17:5 says “Cursed is the man who makes flesh his strength, but blessed is the man whose trust is in the Lord.” 

You know, it says in Ezekiel 16 that the Israelites were whoring with their idols. Why? They were not satisfied. Because they weren’t satisfied, they went and pursued their idols, and it left them even more empty. It says, “Even still you were not satisfied.” 

And that’s what so many people do. Don’t focus on freedom from pornography. Focus on Christ, then you will have freedom from pornography. I guarantee it. 

Do not pursue freedom. You’ll never get it. You may get freedom from pornography, but then you got pride – now you’re a slave of pride. You traded one sin for another sin. And freedom doesn’t satisfy. 

When I wake up in the morning, I’m not thinking, “Well, how can I have freedom today, and then pat myself on the back and feel good at the end of the day?” No, I’m waking up and I’m saying this: “I want to behold the beauty of the Lord. My flesh faints for the Living God. I’m thirsting for Him. Earnestly am I going to seek the Lord.” And I’m going to go to bed tonight, I’m going to meditate on the Lord in the watches of the night, and I’m going to see the victories that He gave me throughout the day because I was relying on Him. I wasn’t trusting in the arm of my flesh for victory. I was trusting in the arm of the Living God, knowing the Lord is with me, the Lord will give me victory, the Lord will allow me to overcome. It’s not an Internet filter, it’s not an accountability partner. 

It’s beholding the beauty of Christ. That is the answer to freedom from pornography. It’s knowing Him.

I’ll tell you, don’t pursue freedom, and don’t focus on “I need freedom from pornography”. Focus and behold Christ, and you will have freedom. That’s the only reason I’ve had freedom since I’ve been converted. And if I stop beholding the Living God I will fall into sin, just like King David did. You read in Samuel about the victories that he had, the wars that he won, about every enemy being routed out. But then he made a mistake. At the time when the kings should have been at war, David didn’t go to war. He was proud. And some of you, instead of seeking the Lord and being in the Word, being satisfied in the beauty of Christ, you ignore the Scriptures. You go running around on Facebook all day. You go running around in all the other pursuits of the world – some of them even ministerial pursuits. You think: “Well, look what I’m doing for God.” Listen, we can do a whole lot for the Lord. But if we’re not being satisfied in the Lord, we can perform very well, but we will not overcome. It’s a deadly idol to get your joy from your performance and not from the perfect performance of Jesus Christ. I mean, that’s where my joy comes from, because even if I fall, Christ didn’t.

Jesus Christ, who laid the foundations of the world, lived a perfect life in my place. And then He died on that Cross as a perfect, spotless sacrifice once and for all, to satisfy the wrath of God that I deserved in hell for all of an eternity. And He rose again from the dead – He proved who He was. 

And that same victory that He had on Calvary, and that resurrection from the dead, He’ll give to the one who comes to Him, who stops trying to save himself, who gives up and surrenders, and says, “Lord, I cannot overcome this Goliath in my life. I cannot. The Goliath is too big, he’s too great.” And then, there that David is – that Christ – and He comes in there, and He slays him on our behalf. That is the only hope of victory. 

What does Psalms 90:14 say? “Lord, satisfy us with your steadfast love in the morning, that we can rejoice and be glad all of our days.” How do I overcome? It’s because I’m weak! I cannot overcome in and of myself. My only hope is that I’ll be satisfied through the Word of God, through prayer, through seeing Christ in those things – be satisfied in Jesus Christ – and therefore I overcome, because I’m satisfied. 

I don’t have to go whoring after an idol. I don’t have to go worship an idol. I don’t have to be impatient. I don’t have to go view pornography. I don’t have to do those things. I don’t have to worry about the approval of man or what my friends think about me on Facebook. I don’t have to worry about any of that. I don’t have to worry about my physical appearance. I don’t have to worry about how I’m performing, because Jesus Christ, in my place, performed perfectly. That’s freedom! And if you know that truth, it will set you free. And Jesus says, “Come unto Me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, I will give you rest.”

It’s not “come unto 60 days of freedom from pornography, and then you’ll have rest”. That’s not true rest. You may pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself when you’re able to go to your accountability group that night and say, “I’ve been free 60 days.” God’s not impressed! Jesus Christ was free for all of an eternity, and He offered Himself up. That’s the perfect sacrifice. And that will motivate you to submit your life as a living sacrifice to God, holy and acceptable; and to not be conformed to the world. I don’t wake up today and think, “Well, I better not look at pornography. I better not make this an idol. I better not do that.” I wake up today and I say this, “Where are you at, Lord? Satisfy me. Lord, open my mind, my heart, to see the wonders in your Word, to see the beauty of Christ, then I will overcome.” 

That’s my one pursuit – it’s a heart burning to know Jesus Christ – and in that there’s freedom. There’s no other source of freedom. No other source. (15)

‘Hurting the heart of the one I love.’ John “cried out in prayer to know God more intimately.”

You need to cry out to know him – “if you seek me and search me with all your heart, then I’m going to be found by you.” You start wanting him more than anything else – once you get to that place, it’s not about you – but about not hurting the heart of the one you love. I’ve hurt the heart of the one I love – the complete and total focus was I’m so fed up with hurting the heart of the one I love. God, I want to know you more intimately – my heart was broken because I was hurting the heart of the one I love. 

“When you put the word of God in your heart and make it the focus of your life, this man continued, “you desire truth more than anything else – you come into a place where you’re going to be easily delivered.” (1)

John added, “Once I realized how much it was hurting the heart of God – and how much it was hindering my ability to have communion and intimacy with God, I no longer liked it. I was delivered.” (1) He quoted Pastor Jude as saying: 

Make God your habit, and he’ll break your habit. Make God your addiction and you’ll break your addiction. Stop focusing on where you’re broken – and start focusing on how beautiful and amazing Jesus Christ is. 

A willing heart. This, of course, requires at a minimum, “a willing heart” Stephen said. (20)

This means being willing to bend it in another direction over time. Logan described “leaning into Christ.” (14) Josh cited a text about “leaning on her beloved.” (37)

Falling in love with another life. In addition to God’s own love, there’s a better way of living people found to be attractive. Reflecting on his 12 years of freedom, Jack said, “In the years since, he’s been showing me that there’s a better way of living” – including “a better kind of intimacy.” (4)

It’s the full broader life that becomes an anchoring context for recovery, which Vinny defined as “the aggressive pursuit of a great and happy life.” (26)

When he came “face to face” with Jesus’s love, Josh remarked that “sexual sin wasn’t the focus – it was all about the deeper life in God – and developing that. Yeah, this was what my life was supposed to be like.” (Josh is now 17 years sober) (37)

Colby reflected, “I wouldn't trade the freedom that comes with loving God and loving my wife for anything.” (13) Logan highlighted the joy of his new life, “It has been almost a year and a half since my last relapse and the freedom is indescribable.” (14)

Whatever it takes. “When you're serious about changing unwanted behaviors,” Vinny said, “you have a mindset that says, ‘I will do whatever it takes to change.’ – which he called “unconditional willingness.” He continued: 

The opposite of this, is a mindset of “conditional change.” You know you have this attitude when you find yourself saying things like, “I'll do anything to change so long as it doesn't involve . . ." or “I'm fully committed to this process, but just don't ask me to . . .." I remember in my early years before I got really serious about my own recovery, I placed all kinds of conditions on my commitment to change. (26)

Vinny then admitted, “I think the main reason I hesitated to fully commit myself to the process is that I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to survive without my drug of choice; afraid that I wouldn't succeed and that I'd fall right back into my addiction and once again be deeply disappointed and devastated.”

The way Vinny overcame this fear was by redoing his “Why statement” and reviewing all the real, truest and best reasons he could find to put this behavior behind me. His original list had included things like “My church leader tells me porn is bad.” “I’m afraid my wife will catch me, and she’ll leave me.” “I spend too much money doing this. It hurts me financially.” 

While there was nothing wrong with these motives, they just weren’t “strong enough” for this man. As he began to look deeper, he saw even better “whys?”:

I began to see that “[my]life is controlled by porn. I don’t want to be a slave anymore. I want freedom to choose the direction of my life. I want to become the best man I can be and will never discover this with porn in my life. I must do this for me, and not anyone else. I hate my life with porn. I want to discover real intimacy with my wife. That will never happen with this addiction in my life.

Vinny concluded, “When the motive became powerful enough that’s when I just jumped in and began really using the tools so that I could start seeing some success.” (26)

#6. Seeing identity and self differently.

People describe the impact of coming to see their own identity and self more completely.  

“Finding true freedom is not just quitting a bad habit, it’s about discovering the real you,” said Matt. (19)

The allure of a false self. “In those brief moments of acting out and giving in to my old self, I felt control, mastery, and desirability…of women, at least for a few brief moments,” Nick said. In the same moment, however, “the very same action would leave me feeling controlled, mastered, and undesirable to anyone at all.” 

He went on to speak about the value of “redefining manhood” – to the point where our “sense of manliness” comes from God Himself. (29)

Seeking a truer identity. Nick shared a prayer he often shared, “Lord, help me see myself the way You see me, and help me to become who You already know I am.” (29)

By cultivating a life of faith and growing trust, Nick suggests that God “will be at the center of your life and will reveal your true identity.” (29)

For many, this was a sense of self that transcended their own persona fundamentally:

• “I grew my identity in Christ.” (11) 

• “I’m bought with a price – I’m not my own,” Josh said. “That’s what keeps me with the Lord – that authority structure, he’s there whether I feel it or not” (37) – essentially bringing him into what the interviewer called a “relationship with a King.”

True worth. Eva describes grappling with feelings like, “you’re so disgusting, you’re so unworthy, how can God love me after everything” – which she attributes to “not feeling fulfilled” yet in her relationship with God. (7)

Whether in connection with the divine, or another way – people can come to see greater worth inside. “My ultimate value is in him,” Austin said. “I’m loved by him and I’m his child. He made me on purpose and I don’t need to look anywhere else for that value, because it’s made perfect, in Jesus.”

This man didn’t always know this, recollecting praying in prior years, “Let me see myself the way you see me.” He had never prayed that before, but was grateful for “the truth coming in and revealing who I was in light of Holy God.” (36) 

After learning more in a recovery program, Larry remembers, “I began to feel that I was worth something again, that I was worth saving.” (27)

Jessica described a “drastic encounter with true love and acceptance that can be found only in Christ.” 

“With God, for the first time,” she said, “I understood what it meant to have worth, true worth, not a sexual worth. I realized that my body, with all of [its] quirks and inconsistencies, was fashioned exactly the way he planned.” 

She reflected: 

My life was knit together and measured out to fulfill a purpose. I had acceptance because I was accepted into his kingdom. I had love because he had died for me. I had a Father because I had him. All of that truth washed into my life and replaced the years of lies I had believed. Lies about myself, lies about sex, and lies about love.  (48)

Seeing uncomfortable aspects of oneself. Josh likewise asked, “Lord show me how you see me?” Rather than seeing only beautiful reassurances, he described coming to understand how he had been “critical, judgmental, hold[ing] grudges, not as nice as [you] think you are –my whole idol of myself was being torn down.” 

This “got me to[a] place where I could actually listen,” Josh said. When the “truth comes, it sets you free.” So, even though it was hard, “when truth spoke to me, I didn’t fight it – I accepted it.” (37)

Josh added that moments when he sees “who I really am apart from him” does some good – “that’s when he becomes more beautiful, and more attractive.” As he said, without those kinds of disappointing moments, he could easily conclude, “Jesus you’re great – but so am I!” (37)

Seeing oneself compassionately. “You know you're experiencing change when you're able to keep moving toward self-forgiveness,” Vinny said, adding that even when you “take full responsibility, you also realize that you have great intrinsic worth and value that has nothing to do with your addiction.”

We are not pieces of crap. We are not Evil. We are not freaks of nature. We are simply human beings with issues. And look who’s here working on those issues? We are! We’re working to correct the issue. That’s worth a huge “High Five” in my book. (26)

Taylor shared her own prayer that’s been helpful, “I choose to forgive myself just the way you forgive me, Jesus. You are not mad or ashamed of me.” (38)

Not who I am. Even when seeing oneself in disappointing moments, this deeper knowledge of identity offers some reassurance. Namely, this wasn’t really who they were.  

Others reflected on times when they believed the opposite. As Thomas put it, “I basically stopped fighting and just accepted that the addiction was part of who I am. When I couldn’t get rid of my addiction, I started to believe it was who I was. I was a terrible person, and if I was a terrible person, I couldn’t expect to behave any differently. Every time I gave in to my addiction, it reinforced this idea and wrapped me tighter and tighter into my destructive behavior. I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t. It was my destiny.” (9)

This view of self makes healing and freedom almost impossible – with overcoming it essential. Vinny said “you know you’re experiencing change when …you're able to start seeing yourself outside of your behaviors. We are NOT our addiction.” (26)

Rather than only talking about a struggle behaviorally – “how many relapses? What are you doing? Are you too bored?” Stephen recommended helpers “go back and say, actually, this is maybe an identity problem. Let's just talk about you as a child of God and where are you missing that?” (20)

Becoming the type of person that doesn’t look at porn. Jon said he was “becoming the type of man that does not look at porn,” instead of “practicing behaviors that keep me from looking at porn.” 

This has felt like a “diametrically different approach” to recovery – leading him to focus on “who I am becoming” and helping him “live as that man.”

“It is no longer a daily struggle for me of battling temptation, avoidance behavior, etc.” This was and is this man’s “breakthrough.” (22)

“I’m a different person than I was when I was looking at porn every day,” Matt said. (19)

#7. Openness, honesty, vulnerability and accountability.

Many find that accountability with trusted people is critical to healing:

• “Becoming accountable to other trustworthy men was key for me.” (25)

• “I could not defeat this completely on my own.” (42)

• “I must be accountable.” (20)

They described power in sharing fully with at least one person:

• David spoke of the impact of “asking for help” from a friend, saying it took him “a lot of courage to call by name what was happening in my life.” (12) 

• Jack spoke of the value of “finding someone you trust, that you can talk to, who’s not going to judge you, and not have a go at you, but will help you make a change. And ask you the difficult questions.” (4)

• Jackson described the impact of reaching out and telling others about his struggle. “Were they taken aback? Yes. Did they reject me? Not even for a moment.” He added, “The people who love you will stand by you and help you get free.” (24)

To find love from any other human being amidst the struggle is significant: “I shared everything with him and he just hugged me and told me he loved me,” Barret said. “This was not what I expected,” he added, especially since “I told him every corner of darkness in my heart I could think of.” (5)

After being married for 21 years, Phil recalls confessing to his wife both his addictive patterns and same-sex attractions. “I expected her to leave our marriage. She chose to stay, and not just for our 5 kids, for us.” (46)

“I shared my struggles with a friend in person,” Roger said – admitting, “My friend could have put an end to our relationship but she did not.”  “This was the first time [that] I felt what it meant to be seen and heard.” (47)

While any connection is good – especially the closest ones between family and friends – Joshua emphasized how “important” it was “to get involved with men or women who have overcome porn [in] the past.” (18)

Confession as a ‘starting place for healing.’ Over the years, Mark found “great benefit” to “safeguarding” his purity to practice “frequent confession and Communion” – always with a personal commitment to “never receive the Eucharist in an unworthy manner” (when his heart wasn’t humble and sincerely desiring to repent). (30)

“Though my story is a long litany of confessions that didn’t result in change,” Nick said, “I fully believe that confession was – and is – the right thing to do and is a significant step in changing a behavior.”

“Confession is a direct assault on our desire to look good and maintain a projected false self. Confession breaks the barriers we place between us and God, and between ourselves and others.” 

This helps explain why Nick calls confession “the starting place of everything” and “the beginning of our healing”– reflecting a “decision to get real about the places we have worked so hard to hide” and a rebellion against “church nice” and “doing fine” culture. In his experience, this helps people “finally experience the kind of community that does transform us.” (29)

Given the daily frequency of his struggle, Mark “felt empty inside and in need of much healing and forgiveness.” But [the] first time he left the Catholic confessional, he had an “amazing feeling” which he believed was a reflection of being “set free from the sins that were keeping me in chains from the night before.” 

What he didn’t realize is that he would be prompted to “come back hundreds upon hundreds of times” before becoming “free from my pornography addiction and all its secondary effects of masturbation and disordered sexual thoughts and fantasies.” (30)

Over the years that followed, Mark said this was essential as he witnessed “the grip of pornography and all its attachments started to loosen its hold on me.” 

One of Mark’s “key decisions” in the recovery process was to “make the time that I fell from grace to the time I received the Lord’s forgiveness as short as possible” – following the example of another “brother in the Lord” who told him how helpful this step was for him in “growing in the virtue of chastity.” (30)

Nick cites Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who taught that what prevents this kind of healing fellowship from happening is that people have “fellowship with one another as believers,” while missing out on “fellowship as…as sinners.” That kind of “pious fellowship,” he points out, permits “no one to be a sinner” so that “everyone must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship.” 

“When we open up our lives, we also give others permission to do the same. We expose our weaknesses and our humanity, and so others decide they can do the same. In a similar fashion, when we project a false self who has it all together, people around us instinctively know to do likewise” – which Nick calls one of the unfortunate outcomes of playing “church nice.” 

As a result, “we all sit in a room and long to be truly known, but instead we stay covered up.” But “when somebody plunges in and gets real, others will always follow.” Nick adds, “Don’t listen to the lie for a moment that says others would reject the real you.” Whatever else they might feel about your behavior, “they long to have fellowship with you in the wonderful journey of being transformed from honest places of sin and brokenness to places of God’s redemption and freedom.” (29)

Breaking through the myth of “I’m okay.” In prior attempts to quit, “I had tried everything but looking bad,” Matt said. “I avoided telling people about my problem. I hid it from my wife. I tried to figure it out in secret. And I failed over and over.” (33) 

When finally attending a group and sharing openly, Matt said “it was more like breathing after being trapped below the surface of water. Or discovering a freshwater source on a dry summer hike.” 

“I had been so painfully alone in my struggle,” he continued. “ I didn’t even know what it meant to be in community as I sat in my small group that night and made a painful account of my journey to this point with pornography.” 

In addition to expanding tools and resources available to us, Matt remarked on how other people help all of us “move from self-dependence and denial, into real recovery.” (33)

A new life of openness and accountability. When we enter into what Nick calls a “life of confession” – described as “an ongoing decision to be real about who we were and who we were” – he says “we open our lives to all that God has for us.” (29)

For some this new life involved online programs and software: 

• “I signed up for Covenant Eyes,” Tony said. “At first, I was hesitant to have an accountability partner, but as the app kept insisting that the path to victory was outside of isolation, I turned to my aforementioned friend. He was happy that I had confided in him and asked if I would reciprocate. I’m happy to say that I’ve been victorious now for longer than ever before in the last 30 years of my life.” (42)

• “I highly recommend placing accountability software on anything that can connect to the internet.” (25)

It’s not uncommon for people to find connections in various places as part of their journey. A part of his regular recovery work, one man described: “weekly Safehouse meetings, check-ins in the group chat, individual calls with a few fighters, weekly group meetings in High Noon, participation in online gatherings around tough topics like the ones organized by NCOSE, checking-in with my spiritual father discussing complex topics with coaches, taking a teletherapy session if needed, connecting with nature and animals.” (47)

For those who are married, this new life of connection includes some degree of more regular confiding in a spouse. Compared with earlier struggles “to open up to my wife about my sexual sin,” one man described learning “the power of living in honesty about my addiction.” 

“Through regular confession to my wife,” he recounted, “I was able to rebuild the trust that my porn addiction threatened. She now walks with me as a partner and encourager in my fight for purity.” (47)

“Having a secret eats at you so much,” another man admitted – recollecting times when he was “trying to have fun, but really can’t because you’ve wronged her.” 

This new life of accountability also includes for many seeking a mentor figure:

• “I need to have some other guys in my life,” Eric said – “get someone you trust to help disciple you. Don’t be afraid to ask someone in your church – even someone who’s older than you. Don’t be afraid to ask them to help you, meet with you weekly, talk over the phone.” (34)

• “During this time, I worked with my Bishop, the head of my congregation,” Jackson said. “Over the course of a few years living in [one location] my bishop changed a couple of times.  Two men who filled this position really served to influence me – both men had a profound impact on me through example and the times we spent talking together.  I never would have been able to change without their support….The lord is merciful and so was [this leader]  When you are facing this difficult storm of evil, it is important to have good leaders and the lord on your side.  [This man] became a strength and support to me and helped me to truly change.” (24)

• Eva described being taught from a woman she respected, and learning for the first time what a “present parent” was like: “She shared things with me and loved me unconditionally. She almost never worked – and was always present. Watching her and having conversations with her. What is it that you feel you need right now? What can I do to help? …I see something different in you.” (7)

Jessica described the “great deal of patience” shown by friends and mentors during her years of struggle, who “constantly listened to my tearful stories of failure and pulled me out of the pit of self-loathing I would throw myself into.” (48)

For some, this mentorship includes professional support. “Because of the trauma caused by my destructive behaviors to others and myself,” Stephen said, “I needed a qualified therapist to help me sort things out.” (20) 

After reaching out to multiple professionals, Chris spoke of realizing “the landscape is kind of all over the map with regard to how people view this and what counsel they give, and the direction and suggestions they offer.” (21) Finding a “qualified” therapist, as many of these people recommend, isn’t as easy as it looks. 

As Stephen said: 

If we find a therapist who says it's okay to do porn masturbation, we haven't found a therapist that's going to help us stop our addictive behaviors. If we have a therapist that doesn't understand the importance of the 12-steps and what that really means to make the spiritual connection that's required and recovery, then we probably haven't found the right therapist. (20)

Neal remarking on one high-quality therapist who gave him “hope that recovery is possible” and helped him “understand what I'm dealing with and that I need to understand that shame is something that I need to set aside and look for ways that I can participate in recovery recognizing that I am using my will by agency in a positive way to move forward and that God is aware of me.”

He added, “Regular sessions with the therapist seemed to assist me in walking away from my fixation. Shortly after we all decided I no longer needed his help, I found myself relapsing.” (28)

Men helping men, women helping women. Many find it helpful to speak with a same-gender group. One man shared gratitude for “those men that walked with me over those years of recovery” where they learned many lessons together that “equipped” them to begin to “renew” their “minds.” 

“Nick met with other men, and I met with wives who had been betrayed,” this man’s wife, Michelle, also said. “I could finally share my story, and though the women in the group each experienced different situations, they understood my feelings. Some of their marriages had ended, some husbands were still relapsing and others were switching to other addictions, but together we processed our stories.”

“My life was changed as I learned to walk in rigorous honesty,” Nick said – which for him, Michelle added, included “weekly group work and a yearlong counseling process” that was professionally led. (29)

Others relied on a group of peers sharing their hearts together openly. “The key is community,” Phil agreed – especially places that foster relationships which are “authentic, vulnerable and true.” Describing a group he participated in, he said “These people knew me and I knew them.  There were no usernames or screens to hide behind….We know the good, the bad, and the ugly of each other.  There are tears, there is tons of laughter, there is learning and growth. 

“This little group of men is my rock,” Phil continued, and “shines light on the shadows of addiction.”

“When I first started recovery I felt that only other gay men would be able to understand and could tolerate my situation,” Phil added. But then he said, “In this group they all know my story and love me for who I am and they are not same sex attracted like I am.”

“I have found through recovery that I can be true to myself and my God, be honest and open in the right settings, and I can find the intimacy I’ve craved all of my life through good wholesome friendship.” (46)

“Of all the things that have helped me most it has been groups,” Jorge said, recounting “a lot of healing and growth” he found in “live conversations with other guys in real time.”

“The regularity, the honesty and safety, the acceptance, and the acknowledgement that it is a journey. I wasn't rejected because of what I'd done.” (45)

Jorge calls these group meetings “the cornerstone of my recovery” – suggesting that nothing had been “as powerful as just showing up to group meetings every week and being seen, and being there for others.” In particular, he highlighted how the regularity of grace extended among the men impacted him: 

It takes many repetitions of turning up defeated and feeling sure you're a failure and to be met with warmth, understanding and encouragement to get back up, to start to unwork the old beliefs and lies that have long been held ("You're rejected," "No-one will love you if they know what you've done," etc).

“So often what I need to do to get me out of a spiral into self-focused pitying or catastrophizing is a connection to another guy to ask 'how are you doing?' It really is true,” Jorge affirmed, “the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it is connection.” (45)

Jason described the power of trying to live a godly life “in community” and “being known.” He reported the power of being able to share with trusted people around him “if I take any step towards” the temptation. He reiterated the added strength this brought him, “if I’m feeling tempted and don’t tell anyone – it’s only a matter of time.” (32)

“Having a couple of people who love and care for you even knowing about ‘your junk’ is so freeing!” Eric said. It was a “big eye opener” this man continued, to have someone in your corner to “weekly to talk through life, pray with you and be able to ask you those tough questions in order for you to begin to walk in freedom” and “who aren’t afraid to step on our toes in a loving way.” Eric admitted that he is “still in an accountability relationship – and will be the rest of his life.” (34)

“I grew and developed these relationships with men who knew everything about me,” Andrew said – pointing to his five years of freedom as reflecting the power of “establishing accountability in my life.” (11)

“I have been walking in freedom for five years,” Colby said – describing an accountability network of men “building each other up with a sense of brotherhood” as central in that progress. He admitted that he “can't imagine” being able to create something like that through anything other than “our shared love of the Lord and desires for purity.” (13)

Brett said to encourage others to “be watchful when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT).” He then added:

Talk with your accountability group about what you desire when you are in these states. Begin looking at the circumstances around you and identify stressors, such as marriage, work or finances. Look for the triggers, and then choose to stay in the pain and process it with others rather than trying to numb it with porn or other addictions….Process ways you can respond better together. Be relational with your pain. The biblical idea of “weeping with those who weep” and “rejoicing with those who rejoice” (Romans 12:15) is a learned skill for many of us, and it takes practice. Let others into your pain, celebrations, joy — live life in color with close friends rather than just keeping things on the surface. (16)

Resistance towards openness. Like other key patterns in stories of lasting freedom, the kind of openness described here provokes real resistance.“I desperately did not want to come forward and get honest about it. I just wanted to stop,” Stephen said – mentioning how often he heard people say, “put it behind you, right?”

“So, you kept putting it behind you. Kept coming forward.” And so Stephen “just continued on that same idea that I could do it on my own” – which is “so common” in the hundreds of people he’s worked with since finding lasting freedom: “The common feeling is I've just got to deal with this on my own. I can't come forward. There's too much shame associated with [it].” (20)

“You can go to a group and talk about struggles with work or alcohol,” Brett said, “but when you say you struggle with sexual issues, it clears the room.” (16)

Nick admits the deep resistance many feel to sharing openly themselves, since in their heart of hearts they don’t want to confess – “you don’t want to be fully aware of what you have done and the impact it can have on others….Hiding is hard, but confessing sounds infinitely more challenging and messy.”

As we “feel the need to hide our sexual struggles,” Brett says, we also “learn to hide from and deceive even ourselves.” (16)

That continued secrecy can even be part of what reinforces the pattern to continue. Neal said, “Secrecy seems to be not only part of my sense of embarrassment but a fundamental attraction of internet pornography.” (28) Matt agreed, “secretive behavior actually fuels the excitement.” Yet “at its core,” he said, “beneath the lust and orgasms, we are relying on ourselves to meet our own needs.” (19)

Despite all this, Jason described sharing his struggle generically – but just “enough” – and resisting sharing fully what he was facing. He reflected, “I always believed in God – but didn’t trust him with everything. Thought that this thing was too dirty, too dark to share with anybody.” (32)

It wasn’t easy to open up and tell his Pastor, friends, father and mother, but Dave also described “relief” at opening up to those who loved him about his struggle with darkness. 

“You worry they will think you’re disgusting,” he remembered, “But if you really want to overcome lust, you will open up to whomever can help you – especially in the faith, and people you trust.” (2) 

For many, openness simply still just never makes sense. As Jessica, raised in a Christian community, put it, “for me it was worth far more to keep face and keep the acceptance than it was to risk the shame and humiliation of admitting I was a fraud.” (48)

That’s how she felt at least until one evening “one of my youth leaders admitted that she too, had been living a lie.” Given her faith’s limitations, “she was coming forward that night to confess that and place her faith in Christ.” 

Jessica was sure she would be condemned and judged – and was dumbfounded to see how she was “met with overwhelming joy and acceptance” – including people coming forward to congratulate her. “They were happy for her. They were rejoicing. I sat beside her, completely stunned.” 

That moment was a spiritual pivot in her experience – communicating to her “This whole time you’ve been wrong. It’s time to stop running.” Jessica felt “forced to face the reality of [her] life when compared to the cross of Christ.” (48)

Openness and honesty in different forms can have a rippling effect. Vinny soon learned that “once I was completely honest with myself, and stopped blaming others, I was able to start being more open and honest with my spouse.” (26)

“You know that you're ready for long-term, lasting change when you start letting go of secrecy, excuses and blaming,” Vinny added. “You may not be ready to share everything with a spouse or partner, but you are at least being totally straight and honest with yourself” – describing how he personally “finally faced the fact that I was accountable and responsible for my own decisions and actions over the years” and “really started taking responsibility for my own recovery process.” (26)

Confession and accountability aren’t enough. To be clear, confession alone doesn’t seem to be sufficient on its own for many. John describes feeling puzzled “why I wasn’t able to get free when I opened up and confessed my struggle to the minister” earlier in his recovery. He came away feeling taught about a much deeper process of heart change that was required of him. (1) 

Nick recollects confessing his problem to the Junior High youth pastors, believing that this would fix his problem – without any further action, plans or changes.

It’s easy for people to think that getting something “out in the open” means “I will be free” – which, Nick says, risks “making an idol of confession;” he then added, “confession does not set us free; Jesus alone can do it. Confession is what puts us in the starting blocks for what Jesus most wants to do in our life – bring lasting change” – which he argues results in “new patterns, new decisions, and new community experienced over time.” (29)

“No course or accountability has the power to set you free, “one woman cautioned. “Ultimately, it always goes back to Jesus and what our relationship with Him looks like. The first thing I ask the girls I counsel is to tell me what their relationship with Jesus looks like. More often than not, they tell me it's not where they want it to be and they feel some sort of distance from Him. And that right there is what I focus on more than anything else.”  (38)

Another man agreed, “You will never get victory through Internet filters and accountability partners. It just won’t work” – adding, “It blows my mind how many people out there are not focusing on the root.” He continued:

The root issue is you’re not satisfied in the beauty of the Lord, because if you saw what He did on that Cross for your sins, you would look and when you feel impatience coming, when you feel the temptation to lust, there that way of escape is – “God is faithful” – you behold Christ! You’re satisfied with His likeness.” (38)

Committing in front of each other. More than confession and disclosure of how we’re doing, this includes “making commitments in front of another human being” as “one of the most powerful habits you can create” as others then “witness and help take ownership for our goals and commitments.” 

The act of sharing one’s plan with someone else, Matt further emphasized, means someone else knows what you are “actively committed to doing to stay porn free rather than just a passive commitment to not do a behavior.” (19)

In this way, openness can help shape new habits. Logan said, “Accountability has actually transformed my brain and my habits.” (14) 

Drawing true friends and supportive community close. As part of this connection and support, general community and connection is significant as well. Chantel said: 

Surround yourself with a community who understands that you want to quit – a community that wants to help you quit. A community that wants to help you be pure in the sight of God – and that you want to be changed. So I joined the church. A community that helps you stay in the Word. (6)

“Now I enjoy friendships with Godly young men because I know they are my brothers in Christ,” Jessica said. “Now I trust people – even love people.”

“God has been placing people in my life for a season,” Eva said, including some who reinforced her faith and “breathed a lot of values into me.” 

Although she had been to church, Eva had “never seen anyone worship in their room.” But she came into [the] room to find her new friend listening to gospel music, telling her “girl, you never heard this before? This is good stuff – listen to it.” 

“I found myself worshiping God with her in the room – we would praise God and worship, and it was such a beautiful thing.” (7) 

The impact of not being alone anymore. Stephen spoke of learning that he needed to “be humble honest and accountable…that's what recovery looks like. Humble, honest and accountable.” (20) And Brett encouraged others to “commit to honesty at all costs.” (16)  

Stephen still remembers the day he became “willing to become honest” – which “radical honesty,” in his words, “brought me out of this shell of this confinement, this withdrawal.” 

This meant he would “get out of myself and work with another person”– adding, “When we're outside of ourselves and we're willing to, in a safe environment, talk about what was going on in our life….we're telling our story in an empowering way instead of keeping it inside ourselves.” (20)

Some found new reservoirs of hope from opening up like this:  

• “The work of recovery and living in recovery from unwanted sexual behavior…. revolves around a willing heart and rigorous honesty” Stephen observed.” 18 years ago, when my circumstances appeared to be bleak, I chose to have a willing heart, and chose to be rigorously honest, I finally let go of all the facades and justifications. Counterintuitively, this letting go did not bring feelings of despair; instead, I began to see it as the golden doorway of hope.” (20)

• “Just the act of being in a group and talking to guys who felt very similarly brought a lot of healing and hope…helped me feel it was possible.” (10)

Another reflected on how a willingness to turn towards God in his experience meant “that I will be known. I will be seen” – emphasizing the impact of what this means: “God will know that I'm willing to be seen for honestly who I am and what I am doing. And then that transparency gives me [the] opportunity to receive light and to give light.”

“In that honesty, the scriptures mean more to me….instead of feeling like I'm a hypocrite, I see the scriptures as something to boost me and my hope for not just recovery, but for forgiveness.” 

By comparison, “hiding and lying and being deceitful” were characterized as behavior that brings darkness into this man’s life. (21)

#8. Healing the deeper pain that can drive relief-seeking.

“We all have hurts in our lives,” Eric said. “Maybe someone physically hurt you, or you went through a  divorce or mental and verbal abuse etc., the list can go on and on.” (34)

“There are roots (deep reasons) for everything we do, and it all starts when we're children,” one woman said. “How you were exposed to porn, the way your parents treated you, the way your friends or past boyfriends/girlfriends talked to you, it all plays a part.” (38)

“We live in a broken, fallen world. You can grow up in a perfect family with tons of support and still get hurt,” Brett said. (16)

How exactly to work through these past hurts in a healthy way is not easy to find, with Matt speaking of how easy it is to be “running from, suppressing, ignoring” earlier relationship dynamics. (33) Brett admitted, “Some people can process their pain relationally with others, but many of us can’t do that. We don’t know how.” (16)

Nonetheless, it was common to hear people emphasize this as critical for their healing and freedom. People spoke of the power of having “discovered the wounds” (29) and “uncover[ing] wounds of my past.” (12)

One man described sharing for the first time a secret he had held for 15 years of being taken advantage of sexually as a teenager at a men’s purity group. “A truly terrifying moment, but one that so needed to happen, to help bring freedom and healing to my very being. Being open and transparent has been a life saver for me.” 

Reconciliation and healing in relationships. Another person remarked how “earlier this year, I finally got brave enough to confront my family member over the inappropriate sexual advances that occurred when I was a teenager 26 years ago.”

“This was something that I had longed to do for so many years, and although a difficult topic to bring up, it was the best move I could have made. My family member also had wanted to bring this up and never could. We had a very honest conversation about how it messed both of us up, and got to forgive one another and have moved on. A truly restorative process took place.” (25)

Although it’s important to not rush a forgiveness process, the result of a health[y] one can make a tremendous difference – especially when considering the cost of “hold[ing] onto major bitterness or unforgiveness towards someone for something they did to us.” (34)

“You know you're experiencing change,” Vinny said, “when you're able” move towards softness of heart and “self-forgiveness” and “the forgiveness of others!” (26)

Healing deeper than the band-aid. This involves finding a deeper healing for those wounds than porn can ever provide, “Most of the time there’s a wounding in our heart that we need to deal with,” Eric said, “and a lot of times we’re medicating that wound in our heart with pornography.” (34)

It’s precisely our struggles in turning outward to relationships in our pain that “we find ways to numb our pain, and those can become addictions,” Brett noted. (16)

This helps explain the value of “talking through and identifying hurts in your life that you didn’t even realize you had,” Eric said.  “Once I realized mine,” he added, he decided to “bring it to God” and “God began to heal me.” This was “a big step in beginning to walk in freedom from pornography.” (34)

Interconnected roots. This kind of talking through past hurts helped “expose so many root issues behind negative behaviors, thoughts, or feelings I was exhibiting,” Colby said. “I didn't realize how intertwined life traumas and sexual actions were, and how they were connected.” (13)

There is power in “access[ing] the wound that makes you return to unhealthy addictive patterns,” Brett emphasized – sharing the value in his own life of asking, ‘Where have I been wounded and how do those wounds affect me today?’" 

“Have you been hurt by abuse? Divorce? High school? If we don’t identify these wounds, we’ll end up treating the symptoms rather than the root problems. You must explore your own story with safe people. Discover where you’ve been wounded and allow yourself to process that pain. Then you can find healing.” (16)

Phil spoke about the impact of “working on childhood trauma that may have created the addict in the first place” – admitting that he’s discovered more than he anticipated, “I am still working through a ton of issues.”

Overall, he said, “I am finding that my childhood experiences and trauma [play] a huge role in our addictions as well.” (46)

Growing new trust. Nick spoke of becoming “the kind of people who are trustworthy,” while suggesting  that true freedom is the result of “learning to trust again” in your own relationships, rather than “simply convincing others to trust you.” (29)

Nick added from his experience, “If you want others to trust you, you must learn to trust God completely” – a being who can model for us what a trusting relationship looks like: 

At the root of trust is the idea that no matter what happens we can depend on someone being there for us. That person is consistent in their love and care for us, so much so that they always have our best interests in mind. (29)  

“I learned that at the core of sexual bondage, there’s often an intimacy wound,” Brett continued. “Now when I struggle, I understand why and have resources to help. My intimacy wounds are healing, and I’m learning how to trust my wife and the Lord with all of me. You were likely wounded in a relationship, and that’s where you’ll find healing.” (16)

The unique impact of intimacy trauma. Others underscored the importance of healing from past intimacy trauma. “One of the largest reasons that a person becomes addicted to pornography,” Nolan said, “is that they had a very damaging experience with intimacy and love sometime in either their distant or recent past. 

“I know that particular fact especially rang true for me, and that the ability to become connected again to the feelings of intimacy and love took a very, very long time (35 years, in fact), and that healing from damage like that is incredibly difficult to do.” 

Nolan went on to describe how the love of a pet made a difference for him:  

I know that might sound a bit crazy at first, but it really was that simple. I never had cats growing up, and I didn't really have that much interaction with dogs, either. Highly paid and qualified therapists didn't seem able to break through my armor, either, and I really, truly think it's because those therapists were human. And whether or not those therapists had the best of intentions didn't really matter to me, because they were still human. And because humans had hurt me my entire life, I couldn't trust humans. Yet a simple cat who can at first seem aloof was the only creature that could somehow heal me. I cried that day with incredibly intense body-wracking sobs but somehow that emotional release and intensity was able to heal all the emotional damage that my parents and other people had caused me over my lifetime. (43)

After three years of trying to find freedom from pornography – and not finding the power of other spiritual approaches – Nolan said, “a simple interaction with a cat that didn't abandon me in the darkest moments of my soul when I really, really needed someone (or something) to love me despite all of the flaws and addictions I had acquired over my lifetime.”

He continued, “Once someone is able to truly feel real intimacy again, the urges to watch pornography start to disappear quite quickly, at least in my experience.” (43)

#9. Learning to mindfully work with thoughts, sensations, triggers and urges.

Much like other kinds of healing processes, mindfulness in various forms is brought up as having played a measurable difference. For instance, David described growing in his “awareness of internal emotions and external triggers making me vulnerable to temptation” and how “knowing how the body responds during addictive thinking and developing tools to combat that thought process made a huge difference in creating new and healthy patterns.” (12)

“I turned to meditation,” Roger said, practicing “self-awareness and mindfulness as much as I can.” (47)

Mindfulness centers on increasing the capacity to rest in awareness about any aspect of our experience – perhaps especially the messy and complicated things. 

Watching thoughts. Vinny described the value of becoming progressively better at “thinking about your thinking.” (26) Watchfulness with thoughts, sensations and thoughts is a common emphasis: “Once we find freedom from pornography,” Eric said, “lustful thoughts we constantly need to be on our guard about.” (34)

New ways of working with thoughts can prompt a fresh sense of power. Dave described a “lie” he always “gave into and believed” when he was stuck in the compulsive-addictive pattern, namely this: “every time I got tempted through a thought, I always thought I was helpless – like I already got that thought of sinning, so I can’t overcome it, so I might as well do it.” (2)

Over time, Dave came to learn he had a greater sense of control, partly through seeing the true nature of thought. This included realizing “that thought is not my thought – it is of the devil. He wants to tempt me right now. Nice try, devil. But you don’t [get] me this time.” 

No longer willing to be manipulated like this, Dave then reflected on a new way of responding that returned the power to him, “He always got you this way, but now you act differently. Now all of a sudden, you lay down your phone and put on praise [worship] songs.” At that point, the dark energy is bewildered, “what is he doing? He always did this before” – leaving that evil force “shivering, ‘my tactic is over – I can’t control him anymore.’” (He added, “Every time you get a temptation a devil sets on you in the form of a thought,” recognize that “he can’t know what you think and respond to it before you act on it. He can only watch how I will react.”) 

Summarizing, Dave said, “I got this thought, it’s over – I might as well sin” – no!” In addition to recognizing where that thought was coming from – and responding to it differently, he added the Biblical counsel, “take that thought captive” in a way that gives you power – cautioning, “You are sinning as soon as you are following temptation.” (2)

Seeing craving more clearly. “Through years of porn use, I had created powerful habits around my certain feelings and thoughts,” Matt said. “When I experienced an emotional trigger, it would lead to agreeing with mistaken beliefs and conclusions. At this point, I would engage craving.”

Yet he came to understand, “Craving is not something that happens to you; it’s something you actively do” (Freedom Model for Addictions)

“My craving did not come from external sources like women and sexy TV shows. It was a habit that came from within” – wherein I began thinking that “porn or a porn behavior would feel good right now.”…and the person heads towards their own version of Miller Time.” (19)

“Sexual triggers start to have less power over you because you know what to do with them,” Vinny said. “I remember during my heavy addiction years, whenever I would try to resist my addiction urges, I always had a powerful and dominant thought in the back of my mind that said, “you might as well give in to your urge because eventually you're going to do it anyway. You might resist for a while but giving in is inevitable.” (26) 

“Living as a free man, do the urges to view porn magically stop? Does living in freedom mean you will never again feel the desire to watch porn?” Dan asked. 

 “No. I can tell you from my own experience that while the urges do decrease….as long as you are a functioning human male, the urges to watch porn will continue to surface.”  He continued, “If living in freedom doesn’t mean you stop feeling the urge to watch porn, what is freedom then? Freedom is knowing how to process those urges in a healthy, effective way.”

The difference between you struggling with porn a year from now and you living in blissful freedom is not whether you will HAVE those urges. The difference is how you handle them. And the good news is, this is a skill that can be learned.

As Dan attempted to describe it to others, “You still experience urges to watch porn. And when the urges come, you’re not concerned. You know exactly how to handle it. You’ve developed the skill to process the urge. You have a clear plan that works. And as time goes on, you get better and better at it. The more urges you process, the more you develop that skill (just like any skill!).” He went on to share a skill that worked for him that he calls P.A.T.H.: “P – Pause, A – Acknowledge, T – Timer, H – High five!” (39)

“I learned that the urge had no chance of killing me,” Roger said. “I learned to successfully surf the urges without knowing yet what the urge surfing even was. (47)

Watchfulness for surrounding triggers. Mindful awareness of triggering thoughts, emotions, sensations and situations is also a significant factor, as Taylor said: 

Think about when you’re most triggered, whether it's a certain time of day, or after a certain situation. It could be when you’re stressed, bored, frustrated, and instead of scrolling on your phone or watching TV, use that time to talk to Jesus or declare the word of God over yourself. (38)

When noticing difficult feelings, Chris described how important it was to “process what I'm feeling.” For him, that meant “make a call or go to your knees.” (21)

More than simply noticing challenging trigger moments, Vinny reminded, “as we become aware of things that drive our setbacks, we must prepare a plan or strategy that reduces or eliminates that trigger, or we will simply stay in ‘the loop’ as it is sometimes referred to, repeat it over and over, which leads to a loss of motivation and hope.” (26)

This kind of growing awareness of the “environmental and emotional triggers” fueling unwanted behaviors is another good sign – with this same man continuing:

You start to recognize when your sexual energy is heightened and you begin to refocus and redirect it to healthy outlets like physical exercise, improving relationships, being productive at work, pursuing interests and hobbies and many more. If you do have a slip, you're more aware of the things that led up to that slip and you're better prepared to be successful next time. (26)

#10. Scaffolding your daily life with custom-designed structure & boundaries.

In addition to whatever internal changes of mind and heart are taking place, it’s extremely common to hear of men and women finding lasting freedom from compulsive-addictive patterns to have put into place a system of discipline when it comes to behavioral boundaries and patterns of response to temptation.  

Establishing a more structured gameplan. For many, a significant part of healing was embracing or establishing some kind of a “plan of action” (28), “gameplan” (29). 

Jorge spoke of two plans he’s developed – an overall recovery plan, based around a 30 day schedule, and a weekly 7 day plan tuned to the week’s demands. “When I am consistent with engaging with these plans I have found that a helpful forward-looking exercise” he said. (45)

All this can be less intuitive than it may seem, perhaps especially for those anticipating more immediate and dramatic miracles. Nick recollects his youth pastors hearing a confession – without sharing any other recommendations for steps or plans. He admitted himself, “I prayed for deliverance. I believed, and expected, that God could come in a moment and erase my desires, setting me free from this battle.” 

“Instead He surprised me,” Nick said – going on to describe being introduced to a “plan to help pastors” like him who were struggling in this area. “So long as our behavior was not illegal and hadn’t crossed lines with other people, they wanted to help us break free from pornography and keep our jobs. This was an amazing, grace-filled offer which provided a thoroughly structured and redemptive opportunity for transformation.” (29)

Looking back, Neal felt his continued struggles in part reflected the fact that he simply “didn’t have the right game plan.” Consequently, he described “drawing up” a “plan of action” in collaboration with his wife which they followed for years. (28) Eric described a “gameplan I could look at on paper” and which he could “practically do to move towards freedom.” This  made him feel like he was “finally moving forward.” (34)

The structure of a formal program. Related to a formalized plan are formalized programs to support recovery and nurture growth. These range from personal plans to online programs, to in-person faith ministries, to the 12-steps itself. 

One person spoke of the value of “thoroughly structured” plans and programs (29). Programs like Fortify and Freedom Fight which look broadly across lifestyle were mentioned as especially helpful, with participants like David hailing those which are “well rounded and comprehensive” and which “addresses all facets of porn addiction.” (12)

Rather than an alternative to God, these men saw these programs as regarded by believers as tools in his hands. David said, “God has used Freedom Fight to transform my walk with Him. Before going through the program I was still a slave to the bondage of my sin. Now I walk confidently in my purity as Christ calls me to. I’ve now had seven months of abstinence from porn and masturbation and am helping other men find freedom as well.” (12) Logan described the same program as “a huge blessing and weapon in my fight for sexual purity and has made all the difference.” (14) 

Creating a safe sanctuary & avoiding confrontation. “When we’re constantly living in an environment that’s unsafe, it creates anxiety in us,” Matt said – which itself can be an “emotional trigger.” This man then suggested, “do everything you can to create safety in your home and in other areas you can control in your world” – trusting this safety will “lead to a calmer mind.” (19)

Whatever bold declarations and commitments have been made – and whatever crippling consequences have been experienced – Joshua noted that those don’t always seem to matter in a moment of temptation. “In the moment of decision, however…that brokenness from the last time didn’t seem real and didn’t seem to matter.” 

In his experience, Joshua said, “the desire to watch pornography will always win” since it is “such a powerful desire and feels so immediate” that he would “always give in each time the battle begins tipping, even the slightest, in that direction.” (18)

“The desire for not watching porn can even be stronger ninety-nine percent of the time. But in the moments of vulnerability,” then “the desire for watching porn becomes the strongest” and “most immediate.” 

Quoting the ancient Chinese war strategist Sun Tzu, Joshua said, “if your opponent is more powerful than you, avoid a confrontation.” (18)

As reported in Ted Roberts’ Seven Pillars of Freedom workbook, two MIT researchers concluded in a study that “Men’s self-control when sexually aroused doesn’t come from willpower but from avoiding situations in which one will become aroused and lose control.”

“This single thought changed my whole approach to lust and pornography” Nick said. “You and I were not made to have the willpower to avoid sexual sin when aroused. Do you hear that? You cannot become ‘tough enough’ to avoid pornography when you’re sitting at the computer alone, your heart rate is up, your inhibitions are down, and beautiful women are one click away. The victory is found in not being in that chair in that moment!” 

This man elaborated, “I had always believed if I was just stronger in that moment of intense temptation, I could be victorious. I have learned that the secret is to not be in that intense moment of temptation!” As a result, Nick said, “I have learned boundaries. I have adopted limits.” (29)

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This explains why it’s common for people experiencing lasting freedom to say things like, “Wherever the places are that you are most vulnerable to temptation, make a plan to remove yourself from those places and mitigate the risk by making it more difficult to watch porn in those places.” (18)

To illustrate, Nick said: “Putting off hard work became a means for porn to get in, so I have boundaries about how I work and study.” Nick has also “chosen to limit my use of the Internet, TV viewing and cell phone use, in order to be free to do what God has called me to do.” This includes not having internet on his phone, which he suggested is “not smart at all” – referring to his friend who said “If your iPhone causes you to sin, pluck it out!” 

This man asked, “What limits do you need to willingly live under?” before suggesting, “remember – purity is not a process of making better choices in the face of extreme temptation, but in avoiding the situation that creates extreme temptation for you. Boundaries are the only way to get there!” (29)

Alongside or a part of this, people describe many specific steps they took. “I continuously take steps to separate myself from opportunities to make dumb choices,” Thomas said – reflecting on how he “waited years before getting a smartphone after they came out for this very reason.” (9) Jason said, “I got rid of my cell phone, got rid of every outlet – had to get to the point that [I] had to take [a]way every potential hazard.” (32)

This kind of external structure involves “construct[ing] meaningful guardrails around behavior” as Nick calls it. (29) Referring to this structure, Alex said, “there are things and steps and content and people out there that can help and be with me through this and come around me in this fight.” (10) Another described feeling inspired by “The Spirit” to see other helpful adjustments in his behavioral patterns –“okay, this is going to lead to pornography, don’t do this, don’t do that. And just being obedient to that.” (5)

“I didn't know what it meant to put boundaries and bottom lines in place and honestly abide by them,” Stephen admitted – before reiterating twice the immense value of doing just that, “I have to set boundaries to stay safe….I must be willing to set and keep healthy boundaries and bottom lines for safety.”

“The alcoholics would say it this way: I've been traveling the road of recovery for years, but the ditch is still right there.” Stephen then explained, this means “I'm still in mortality. I'm walking this narrow pathway of recovery, which doesn't give me allowances on the left or the right. I have to stay on the path.” (20)

“In order to give myself some room to gain sobriety and get out of the fog of mind I eliminated as many triggers as I could,” Roger said – speaking of eliminating the “situation triggers” after he had “discovered patterns.” 

“I gradually locked doors behind. I went through the materials I consumed in YouTube and I unfollowed the channels that were questionable to my value system,” Roger said by way of illustration. “I deleted [certain phone] numbers….I purified the content in all of my social accounts.”

“Gradually I have withdrawn from some other things too. I do not read the news feed, I use Facebook and twitter only for strictly assigned tasks, I enter Instagram twice a year literally for a minute or two, I do not watch stories, I do not consume short videos, I nearly do not watch YouTube (although there

are a lot of good things there).” (47) 

Mark made the decision to “rid” himself of all the “pornographic triggers in his life – like R-rated and PG-13 movies and certain magazines.” He also decided to “remove any opportunity [to] watch television unless I was in the company of others, so as to foster accountability and promote chastity” – which led to sparking several early “periods of freedom from lust.” (30)

For one woman who had struggled, this included no longer “dressing indecent” – something she felt God had convicted her of. As Chantel explained, if I want to be pure for God, I want to remove a lustful spirit – because believe it or not, pornography and masturbation all stems from a spirit of lust.”

“I had to stop welcoming the lustful spirit upon me,” she continued, “because I realized that dressing lustfully kept the spirits on me, so I started eliminating that from my life, I started changing my wardrobe.” (6) 

“I began to protect myself from sex the best I knew how,” Jessica said. “I asked my roommates to stop talking about it. I stayed away from the young men for awhile and did my best to focus on developing my relationship with Christ.” (48)

“Having Godly standards for sexuality these days is very difficult, especially in our college setting,” Logan acknowledged, before describing how he found strength from Christ to do that.

The boundary-appreciating man above likewise spoke of recognizing that “lust is toxic for me, that I must treat lust as an addiction. Consequently, any pursuit of lust has a negative emotional and spiritual effect on me.” (14)

“I withdrew from masturbating at the same time as from porn and sex” one man said. “When two neurons fire together they wire together. If I was going to leave porn behind then I had to leave masturbation behind as well.” (47)

All this reflects a progressive growth in sensitivity to lust – manifest in the attention people give to careful boundaries in technological usage, media and entertainment, and places they go to (or don’t go to). 

Adjusting the environmental system you’ve designed. Many spoke of the value of identifying emotional triggers, mistaken beliefs and weak links as a way to guide their adjustments and projections– asking: “what feelings or emotions most often trigger you? What are the most common thoughts or beliefs that go through your head that lead to craving? And what in your environment makes it easy to use porn?”

Matt described no filtered internet, a smartphone always within three feet, and social media sites as vulnerabilities and weak links. For instance, “I had a weak link – my computer. I was unprotected back then. I didn’t have any filter software on it. I didn’t have accountability or boundaries, so it was easy to slip into a binge whenever I engaged craving.” 

“Whether it’s our bedtime habits, our phones, our computers, our smart TVs, our streaming subscriptions, our social media – if porn is always a click away for us, it’s hard to change our habits. Especially with powerful emotional triggers. We’re like the recently recovered alcoholic who still has a fridge stocked with beer.” (19)

Once you identify some of these challenges, you create commitments in your plan mapped to these growth areas. “To break a habit,” Craig Perra says,” you have to make a habit. The key is your new habits need to be mapped to your biggest challenges.” More than simply what he calls a “go to the gym and eat healthier” plan – this is “an active commitment to improve the areas that directly contribute to your porn habit.” 

Matt spoke of how common it is for men to have a major sobriety goal in mind: “six months or a year or forever…which is a huge goal.” Yet he said, “If you’re struggling, the goal isn’t the problem. You can do this. But getting the right systems in place is the key.” Matt cites James Clear from Atomic Habits “If you’re having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn’t you. The problem is your system.” 

Matt continued, “In recovery I realized that discipline came from my habits. You look at the areas of your life where you need to grow and find the right habits to support that growth. (19)

This plan should start to look like a “personal development plan for a growth-minded, healthy person,” Matt continued. “It will reflect more of who you are becoming in your life, not just the behaviors you are avoiding.” 

Active and positive commitments.  It’s common for plans to be as passive as “I have this filtered, and I have this cut off, and I don’t do this, and I don’t do that.” This kind of a “laundry list” of rigid rules has “no energy to it,” Matt suggests. 

Mental focus thus goes primarily to what you are avoiding—“not feeling something” and “something not happening.” 

“We can’t recover with just porn-avoiding strategies,” Matt said. “Recovery is active. We need something to replace not only that time with, but the identity we relate to.” This involves becoming “actively committed” to specific, targeted and regular practices “to stay porn free” instead of only a “passive commitment to not do a behavior.” (19)

Jessica began to understand something that had been missing in so many of her prior efforts to resist pornography: God. So many of her prior actions, Jessica explained, “stemmed from a hatred” of “pornography.”

“I hated the guilt, I hated myself – but I had nothing to replace that hatred.” As a result, “there was no other recourse, no escape but to go back.” (48)

Matt advocates for a systematic examination of “what happened” and “what can be done better.” It’s in the commitment to continual improvement that freedom comes, in his experience.

“Along the way, I also replaced my bad behavior with good behavior,” Roger said. “I started running, roller-skating and scrapbooking.”(47) 

 “I connected with people more,” he added, “and I practiced cautiousness when alone.” 

Connecting with the real world. It’s these kinds of structural, systematic, behavioral adjustments that are so often helpful. Rather than just the addictive patterns itself directly changing, the rest of life had to change too – both as a protection, and as another way to signal a heart truly committed.

“The year after my life was different,” said Eva, after making a new commitment to healing; “there was a process my life had to go through,” and she went on to describe shifts in television viewing, then, eventually, how fixated she was on work. (7)

“Get away from your computer when you feel even a hint of the desire to watch pornography,” Joshua said. “Put your computer where it can be seen by others.” But more than that: 

Go into public places and your neighborhoods; engage in the world around you. We live in a real world with real adventure. Go to the gym rather than watch TV; go on a road trip with a friend and make a friend if you don’t have any. Don’t just stay inside your home all weekend…take a walk under the stars. (18)

Matt described a personal rule to “go to bed with my wife each night.” (19)

Establishing an escape hatch. Establish “places away from technology, in the early days especially, to go when you are feeling the urge,” Joshua shared from his experience. “Don’t stop to rationalize or it will be too late.” 

He said it was valuable to write on a piece of paper, “when I am tempted to watch porn I will leave” – meaning you have “already decided before” that you won’t linger.” (47)

In addition to boundaries and bottom lines, this kind of life discipline also involves almost ritualistic commitments in how urges and temptations would be addressed:

• One man described “Fleeing temptation when it arrives” – “scrolling through an arousing video, or infusing that challenging moment with something uplifting – “Always put on a worship song – set yourself in the presence of God.” (2)

• Likewise, in a moment of temptation to porn or masturbation, Timothy spoke of the crucial step of “discipline” – “I walked away from what I was doing and did something else. Even just playing video games was ‘better.’" He then said with some surprise, “Eventually the concept of pornography just started to become repulsive to me and because of that it has become much easier to deny those temptations.” (44)

These responses could also involve “using the tactics we learned” – with Eric saying “and let me tell you it wasn’t easy,” with “a lot of ups and downs.” But he found success in “walking in freedom” with the “power of the Holy Spirit and a lot of obedience.” (34) In addition to “head knowledge,” Colby likewise highlighted the value of specific “practices to fight the habits, behaviors, and thoughts that lead to the prison of pornography.” (13) Another man attested how to “fight back stronger and harder by laying down techniques, strategies and encouraging me to be creative in helping me to control this addiction.” (31) (These naturally overlap with the rich mindfulness practices in working with thoughts and emotions creatively, described earlier). 

Fostering a new impulsiveness. “Be as impulsive in your removing and detaching from the situation as the temptation is impulsive. Do not deliberate, just act.” (18) 

“The desire for porn is quick, nearly impulsive,” Joshua elaborated. “You have to be just as impulsive at saying no to your temptation….if you hesitate for even a moment” then it’s more likely you will go there.” 

“You have to be decisive and immediately leave the situation you’re in.”

Growing sensitivity to slips. Precautionary behavioral patterns can be established in advance of a time that you are aware is consistently challenging (also described earlier). It’s common to see this kind of a gradual deepening in commitment behaviorally, mirroring more and more sensitivity to departures from the ideal – with Vinny noticing that in the natural process of recovery “what I considered a slip or setback started to change.”

“Where at first a slip might be looking at pornography, over time I evolved to the place where just looking at someone and starting to fantasize was a slip.” (26)

Rather than mere behavioral superficialities, then, we see in these structural cares a growing firmness of commitment. In place of a willingness to skirt the edge, people become more and more willing to throw the whole thing overboard: “I wanted to eliminate this thing from my life – I wanted to kill it,” Chantel said, “Some things you let die – but some things you must kill, or it will consume you.” (6)

#11. Heroic grit, resilience, patience & persistence.

Without some degree of real patience, persistence and gritty stick-to-it attitude, it’s hard to imagine anyone escaping serious compulsive-addictive patterns. 

Patience is especially crucial in this kind of healing since “it's human nature,” as Vinny remarked, “especially when we're struggling with addiction, to want everything ‘right now.’” He elaborated:

In the past, part of our focus has been on quick and easy pleasure. Delayed gratification is not a part of addiction circuitry in the brain. So, one of the signs that you are changing is that you have a sense of patience in your recovery process. You realize that when it comes to real, lasting change there are no “quick fixes.” While you do have a sense of urgency about wanting to change, and you're seeking to have little successes each day, you're willing to be patient and keep moving down your own personal path of change for as long as it takes. Too often, we see Fortify members who drop out of the program because they “couldn't wait for change.” They wanted it right now, [their] way, on their terms. (26)

Patience through challenging recovery turbulence. Unique patience is required during times where natural motivation, connection and inspiration are withdrawn (referred to in scripture as “dry times”) – as well as times when porn’s own withdrawal effects emerge. One man spoke of having to endure “nights and days of doubtful thoughts and many bodily withdrawals.” (31) 

Sometimes it’s withdrawal – and sometimes it’s just life that you’re experiencing again without the numbing agents. In his first year of sobriety, Chris was surprised that “I still had problems….I thought it was going to be heavenly that everything would go great, but it didn't, but I realized, well, I no longer have my drug of choice to medicate with in a numb out. And that's why I'm forced now to feel what I'm feeling, to process what I'm feeling.” (21)

As Vinny has said, recovery is “not a place but a sequence of milestones.” 

Part of recovery is finally beginning to face the places in their heart and mind where they have used lust and sexuality to numb out and attempt to feel good. Once people “stop all the self-protecting schemes,” Nick said, “pain is the inevitable consequence.” Yet “unmasking” the pain” and “dealing with core issues” is where everything begins. (29)

Josh described coming to understand these moments – “seasons where the Lord just withdraws” – as a chance to further purify and refine his heart, even though they “send me for a loop” and are “not fun.” (Citing Deuteronomy 8 – remember how the Lord led you all the way, to humble you and test you, in order to know what was in your heart). 

He shared his own experience how God had become “so much more precious. His word becomes so much more precious.” Compared with what he called the “honeymoon phase, top of the world” kind of relationship, “me and Jesus” – Josh described how “the Lord takes you deeper” – by asking, “Do you want me? All these emotions, they’re great – but do you really want me?”

Much like a couple gets to choose whether to love each other when the romantic passion ebbs, this gives a chance for the person to choose what they really want to love. And again, Josh reiterated how the “word of god has become so much more real and precious during those times when he withdraws.” 

“He wants us to want him – he’s doing something during those times,” he concluded. When people wonder “why are you doing this, why are you pulling away from me” in his view, it could be “creating a stronger bond by pulling back. Doing good things.” (37) Austin agreed this was “lovingly intentional – a very specific purpose when he does that. (36)

Roger describes exercising more self-compassion: “It did not take long to start feeling the with-

drawl effects. That is why I was consuming more…YouTube materials than before.” He then added, “I was patient with myself. I did not try to rush things over.” (47)

Adjustments in the dry times. These times include waiting with patience. Austin said he goes through “a season” of confusion where he’s unsure of “what’s going on inside of me,” and he realizes “my relationship with the Lord is getting distant.” Austin continued saying, “That can be a sign that “something’s wrong, I’m not aligned with truth.” And when he sees the problem and turns back, he has found a “fresh flow of life, love and intimacy comes flowing back.” (36)

Similarly, Josh describes the power in being aware of these times of departure – when, in his words, he “put Jesus on the shelf” and without realizing it “finds all my pleasure and spend[s] a lot of time with the world.” At that point, Josh tries to “repent and let go of worldly stuff and get back into his work, his mindset…faintness comes, learn to wait on the Lord. Be strong – and take courage.” (37)

Daily replenishing. More generally, these men and women spoke of a need for ongoing, regular realignment with their higher commitments and aspirations to God. “Who I am right now in relation to who the Lord is,” Austin described it; “when I come into alignment with that, what keeps me fresh.” (36)

That includes basic practices like ongoing repentance – “continuously applying the principles of repentance which they outline and replac[ing] my selfish diseased attitudes and behaviors with love for myself, God and others.” (20)

A continued pursuit of God: 

• One man described the added peace and joy that came from “a daily exercise to put on the full armor of God and to fill my life with things that invite the Holy Ghost.” (40)

• One woman described working to “completely lay yourself down, and allow God in. Practically that could look like you seeking Him morning and night, reading your bible, singing to Him, loving on Him, and letting Him love all over you.” (38)

James emphasized the text from Psalm 62:8, “Trust in Him at all times” as reflecting his own life’s practice. This also involves a kind of deep resilience in seeking new insights, “I never gave up my search for answers.” (31) And a sustaining faith overall: 

• Seeing good things coming from the struggle – “Through my struggles, Heavenly Father was preparing me and my family to receive greater joy and healing.” (40)

• Seeing him always at work, Josh said, “he’s going to get me where he wants to get me. Hands of the potter are always on – always shaping, forming.” (37)

As mentioned above, faith and hope both play a role in keeping people moving forward – with one sometimes playing a role when the other feels weak: “For the upcoming months and weeks, I slowly started to lose hope but not faith as I trusted in the Lord.” (31)

There’s also a sustaining power to simple practices like daily gratitude – “Being thankful for the little things” Josh said. (37) And overall “spirit care/walking by the spirit.” As one woman put it, “Jesus cares about you being whole and healthy and if you want true freedom, you have to care for your spirit and soul first.” 

Taylor added, “I can talk to you all day long about the mental and emotional effects of pornography, or pray for your deliverance from the spirit of porn, but if you aren't walking by the spirit as it says in Galatians 6, you will only gratify the desires of your flesh.” (38)

Roger described the impact of practicing gratitude in strengthening his own recovery. (47)

Keenly interested on a daily basis. More than patience alone, consistency requires a firmness of resolve. As Vinny put it: 

Another sign of change is that you bring a sense of urgency to the process. If you find yourself being complacent and saying to yourself, “I'll get around to that tomorrow” or “yeah I know that's important, but not that important.” If you find yourself in this place, it simply means that you need to refocus, recommit and get back on the path persistently and consistently engaging in the “daily routines” and “daily self-cares” that bring about real change. (26)

When asked about his own experience healing – and helping many others heal – Vinny said “So many of you have already heard me repeat what I consider to be the leading indicator of those who will find lasting change: “Staying keenly interested, on a daily basis, in your recovery” – which he defines as “the aggressive pursuit of a great and happy life.” (26)

Roger, like many, came to see his recovery as a matter of life and death – both in securing his freedom and retaining it. 

“I know that if I do not want to destroy my body and die spiritually, I have to comply with my new life rules. (47)

Stephen likewise spoke of the need to have “a willing heart to live in recovery. This must be my true desire. I must choose to be fully committed to the work of recovery with a humble attitude.” (20)

Roger also spoke of internalizing a core lesson from Fortify Coach Vinny, “Recovery must be unconditional...there are no but-s” – which means avoiding language like, “I am willing to do this unless it requires to...” or “I am up to recovery but do not ask me to...” or “I am ready to do what it takes except.”

Like many Fortify users, Roger also speaks of his appreciation for Vinny’s wisdom in saying, “If we knew how wonderful recovery really was we would put [on] our track shoes and sprint to get there” – with true recovery appreciated as “the aggressive pursuit of a great and happy life.”

“Who would want to end this journey?” Roger asks – “I would not want to end it, never. This is a lifelong journey, and I am so happy to be in it with all those great people who fight the evil next to me.” (47)

Not giving up with a relapse. Another kind of patience is required when setbacks happen. “A lot of people will find themselves going back into the ditch,” one man said – before insisting, “That is not the end of the world.” 

“I still slipped. I still fell. But I’d learned that it was a journey and not a light switch,” Tony added. (42) The up and down nature of the recovery made Alex “realize this is going to be hard and maybe really slow” (but still possible, with nearly 4 years free of porn now) (10)

And with a healthy response, more learning could come – with Stephen saying that in his experience, the big mistake was falling back and not being willing to talk about it. (20) And Tony said, “a fall does not negate all of the progress that went before it.” (42)

On a deeper level, Chris described the impact of feeling loved throughout some of these difficulties:

It's really remarkable to me that I felt God's love through this entire journey….I knew he wasn't pleased with some of my behaviors, but I never questioned his love for me….that love has always been felt. It's, you know, “get back up, you can do this.” And I hope everyone who struggles with some form of addiction gets that feeling….to pull ourselves back up when we fall. And the truth is we will fall. We all do. But he's there lovingly, lifting us up and helping us. Back on that path to grab hold and to go a few more steps forward. (21)

Reflecting on his own struggle over and over and over and over again, Chris referred to the Book of Mormon scripture that suggests as many times as people sought repentance they were forgiven. “There's no quarter. There's no well, sorry you reach your quota, your limit is up.” He concluded: 

My hope is, is that people come to understand that it isn't hopeless, and the people can get to that place where it's now in the rearview mirror and the prayer is, you know, that you take it one day at a time, as we say in recovery, you know, I take it. Give me another 24. (21)

Staying with it. Soon after his marriage, Mark also decided to become a “daily communicant” following his marriage (partaking of the Catholic sacrament daily). 

“I cannot count the number of hours I prayed before the Blessed Sacrament for freedom from this sin. I begged God to grant me the strength to pursue and obtain the virtue of chastity” (he now has 7 years of freedom). (30)

Along the way, Mark described different spiritual experiences he had feeling the Lord’s love – which helped move him towards freedom. Twice he said: 

• “I wish I could tell you that this is all it took for the scales to fall from my eyes” Mark said after a special spiritual experience. 

• “I wish I could tell you that I walked out” of the confessional that day, Mark said, “and never looked back.” But, as is the case with many of us, we don’t always learn the lesson the first time we hear it.” He continued, “It wasn’t long before I forgot how offensive my behaviors were to God, and I fell back into my old ways.”

Others shared similar language in their stories, including Jessica here:

• “I would love to be able to say that the change was instant, but it wasn’t. I would love to be able to say that the next morning I woke up and had no recollection of the previous four years of addiction. I can’t. The next morning, I still had the same flesh I had the day before. My body still craved that high. I had been in it so long that I felt sometimes I ran on autopilot. My mind would say, ‘I’m not going to do that today,’ but my feet would walk into the computer room and I would fall again.”

• “I would love to tell you that I prayed with my accountability partners and that was it, but that was not the case – with months to come of still grappling with “lust” and “the underlying issues of low self-esteem, mistrust, and a twisted view of sex.” (48)

The length of the recovery process, although arduous, appeared to teach people profound lessons about the nature of God. Instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed by how long his recovery took, Mark expressed gratitude: “As I reflect back on those days, I am reminded of how gentle and patient God is with each one of his children” and choosing to “reveal only what we can handle at the time.” (30)

#12. Getting outside of yourself through service.

One man reflected upon Bill W, Alcoholics Anonymous founder, who knew that he could not stay sober if he wasn't “working with other alcoholics.” He added, “I have felt that in my own life, I will not be sober if I wasn't committed to working with other people because that work with other people gives me strength, gives me hope….I need that strength.” 

As the step goes, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. We tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives.”

Living for others. The most profound revelation Nick had was seeing more clearly the “depth of my addiction to self and to feeling good. I realized my whole life was centered around making myself look and feel good.”

“I had developed an addiction to porn, yes; but this came long after other unholy obsessions,” Nick said – including putting his “wants and needs above those of everyone else” in his world. This man continued, “Our journey toward freedom must become “one of serving and loving others” – wherein we “remove ourselves from the center.” 

Compared with “little boys” who “do what feels good, want it right now, and make life all about them,” Nick continued, “grown men” have “learned to wait, do what is right” and “care about other[s].” (29) 

Mark recounted how his “vocation as a husband and father” was one of the “means” by which he was “able to stay pure” in thought, word, and action. As a father of four children, he described needing “all the graces he could receive” to be the “Christ-like example” he was “called to be for my four pure gifts from God.” (30)

“You will never experience ultimate and lasting freedom until this journey ceases to be about you and becomes all about others around you” Nick said. “You are being set free in order to serve others,” he continued. Compared to children where the world “revolves around” them – maturity, he suggests, is an “ongoing process of discovering that life is about others.”

“This is rebirth,” Nick said – “a new heaven, a new earth, and a new us!” (29)

Reaching for others seeking freedom. Chris recalls feeling urged, “tell your story” – and how it led to so many others reaching out: “And I get many, many calls from men who are apologetic. I'm so sorry to take your time. So, listen, don't apologize. For me, this is step 12. If I help you, then I'm helped, and so you just allowed me to do recovery today. So, thank you for calling.” He added, “Every Friday morning tomorrow morning, I'll be on a Zoom addiction recovery meeting and I've been able to now assist other men [as] sponsors to multiple men helping them in their recovery.” (21)

Many describe meaningful involvement in helping share and support others in recovery:

• “Eventually I began to make progress as I began to focus on others,” Jackson said. “I made many friends who I became a sort of councilor and confidant too.  I found in my heart a special place for those less fortunate than myself.  As I helped them with their struggles, I found the power to face mine.” (24)

• “I now run Conquer Series groups for men throughout our church, and we are constantly challenging men about their own purity.” (25)

• “In sharing what we know we become more invested in our own recovery,” Phil said, describing how he had mentored other groups, and belonged to two 12- step program groups through Sexaholics Anonymous (SAA). (46)

• “Service to others has made a big difference as well,” Roger said. “I help people. I am an accountability partner for [a] few who struggle with unwanted porn behavior” – while also describing an attempt to “join a greater cause as helping prostituted people to leave the industry.” (47)

“Once those chains are broken, you want to help everyone else find it” Eric said. (34)

Others reflect on pouring themselves into others in more general ways – including “becoming more involved at my church” (44) and helping family: “Continue walking in light with my wife – to serve her, love her and bathe her in scripture so God gets the glory and she feels his love through me.” (5)

One religious leader who had made significant progress finding freedom from sin tells the story: 

Almost a year after we had begun our own journey, I stood up to preach on yet another Sunday morning. At the tail end of a sermon on Romans 7, I confessed my struggle with pornography to the church. I asked their forgiveness for failing them as a leader. But more important[ly], I asked for their help in starting a ministry for men and women who struggled in a similar way. We saw a ministry launch for men and women who wanted to discover true sexual integrity and freedom. Some friends had warned me that people would leave when I went to this level of honesty with my church. My experience was the exact opposite. When the pastor was able to stand up in a redemptive way and say, “I have sinned, but God has brought truth, transformation and freedom,” the revelation gave people in the congregation permission to face their own struggles. Rather than allowing sexually compulsive behavior to stay hidden as the great taboo of the church, we brought it to the surface and began to deal honestly with its effect on people’s lives and marriages. Michelle and I had the great joy of watching our church community transform over the next five years. Couples who had been struggling in silent pain were able to find grace and hope through safe groups. Men who had been sidelined by their fear of exposure or shame were stepping into roles of significant leadership. Women who felt as if they were in bondage because of a husband’s issues found their voice and grew in emotional maturity. Our church came alive like never before.

This same man wrote a book to share his story – Setting Us Free – and accepted a new position to lead a Pure Desire ministry. “Promoting recovery from sexual brokenness is now my life calling and passion. “I’ve seen God lead many people caught in pornography’s trap through a healing journey that involves honesty, community and the hard work of addressing wounds, growing new relational skills and renewing the mind.” (29)

Closing Reflections

It’s been common in this project to pause in awe at what we’re seeing—the beauty and marvel of it all.  These stories of people who have found lasting healing and freedom are not fairy tales, however. And it’s important to appreciate the realities of what this looks like. 

The nature of true freedom. It’s not always what people think it is. After all, true freedom and healing doesn’t mean you are no longer tempted. Knowing that helps people prepare to continue to navigate challenges that arise:

• “I still find myself tempted and it is definitely a day-by-day task,” Timothy said. “Even more recently I have been trying to make it so that I do not even think pornographically.” (44)

• “I can’t say that it’s been an easy road,” Tony said. “It’s not even always easy now but there are more days that are easy than difficult. I’m not foolish enough to think I’m ever completely safe, yet I finally have hope that I can stay out of the mire in which I previously stayed.” (42)

• “Ever since” finding more significant freedom, James said “you know what? There are landmines all around me and every step counts. I make a wrong step, and you know, just like David, when he made a wrong step and fell into adultery and fell into murder. Christians do fall, we’re not perfect. But I tell you, I am not what I used to be. I am a slave of Christ. It’s my greatest joy to serve Him. He’s my Master. I can’t believe it!… that for 21 years my master was the computer. That’s just stupid. It’s incredible. Yet God had mercy on me.” (15)

• “There are mornings I wake up and my body wants to relive its glory days,” Jessica said. “I spend those moments basking in my Savior. In the grace that covers me. In the truth that sets me free. And there, as my desires find their fulfillment in Christ, I find that there is no greater love.” She added, “I wish I could tell you that it doesn’t bother me anymore,” Jessica said. But she had “come to realize” over the years that on some level, she will always have to endure this vulnerability and weakness. “This side of glory there will never be a time when my body completely forgets the thrills it once knew, but that thrill is overpowered by the joy that comes from simply loving God.” (48)

A few other closing meta observations are worth making:

1. Whole life recovery. Compared to his early recovery when he saw himself as having a “problem” with pornography – but with the rest of his life being “essentially pretty good,” Nick came to realize “at every single turn” that “pornography was the symptom of much deeper struggles in my heart.” 

As this man addressed this weakness with pornography, he recounted how God had “graciously taken him” into a “new place in all these other areas as well.” (29)

2. Multifaceted healing support. “Transformation requires the retraining of our brain, the consistent interaction with other truth-speakers, and a whole lot of God’s empowering grace,” Nick suggests. (29)

Where consistent themes exist in the analysis above, they almost always look differently in personal application. This includes multifaceted ways people connect, learn and foster healing. 

3. Not all parts are always required. However important one element of recovery may be for some, it’s not always the case for others. For instance, even while some swear by accountability as indispensable, Aaron described a powerful spiritual experience where the “addiction just stopped in its tracks” – without accountability partners and strategies. (3)

4. Caution as seeing any one part as “all you need.” Several people cautioned against seeing any one element of recovery as sole salvation. For instance, some came to realize that another person (their spouse) or another big event (getting married) would not be their sole solution. Others spoke of coming to see accountability more realistically: “I used to think that if I just got enough courage to tell someone about my addiction to pornography, then they could help keep me accountable, and this struggle I have would all disappear.” This man continued, “Well one day, I found enough strength in The Lord to tell someone, and did it change things? Yes. Did it make it all go away? No.”

Like many other stories where someone sought accountability, or downloaded a screen monitoring system on their devices, these individuals still languished and wondered if lasting freedom would ever be possible. Taylor suggested that it was “important for women and men to know that no [educational] course or accountability has the power [on its own] to set you free.” (38) 

Looking across themes, you get a sense of a broader pattern:

• Education is critical – but knowledge alone won’t change you. 

• Confession is a powerful blessing, but isn’t all that is needed. Nick describes two seemingly contradictory ideas: “we must confess in order to bring freedom, and confession will never be enough by itself to establish us in that freedom.” (29)

• Accountability is helpful, but can’t alone free you.  

• Intimate connection in marriage is also a blessing, but won’t take this away. 

This encourages appreciation for the appropriate role of different parts in the whole. As you can see, it’s helpful overall neither to overstate or understate the value of different aspects of recovery. For instance, accountability helps – but it’s not the sole solution; close relationships help, but neither are they the final solution. 

All this naturally begs the question, is there anything that is the “ultimate” solution? 

5. One exception to the “nothing is salvation” rule? Many people described learning for themselves about the sufficiency of God: 

• “He is the only one” with the power to do this, Taylor said. (38) 

• “Ultimately” Ken repeatedly insisted “only God can set you free.” (35)

For Christians, their faith centers on Jesus Christ: “I learned that the Savior alone is the source of strength and refuge that will provide healing and recovery. It was only when I turned to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ with full purpose of heart that I was strengthened to overcome my addiction.” (40)

It’s worth pointing out again Vinny’s observation that a “spiritual walk” is “accessible to every man and woman, regardless of their particular religious faith” – with “just having ‘faith and hope and belief in a power greater than one’s self,’” something that “can make a vital difference in their journey to freedom.” (26)

6. Even then, believers shouldn’t expect God to magically make this go away. Just as anything can be distorted in addiction, even the proper role of a higher power can become so – with some describing the temptation of simply asking God for the problem to go away immediately and instantly. 

Nick described being surprised that his prayer for deliverance wasn’t answered by God coming “in a moment and erasing my desires, setting me free.” Instead, he was ushered into a plan of growth, learning and grace-filled change. (26) 

“There is hope. You can find lasting freedom,” another man asserted. But in his experience, he cautioned, “you won’t find it alone, with just you and Jesus.” He went on to encourage steps like “breaking isolation and learning to ask for help” as places where trust and freedom can likewise grow.

7. People end up prioritizing things differently. As you can see above, some parts of recovery end up being more important than others – “Listen,” Thomas said, “I also have good people around me who help keep me in healthy patterns….But none of that would have mattered without the very center of the equation changing.” (9)

As another example, even though deep sorrow or anxiety is well-accepted as a contributing factor to compulsive-addictive patterns, James pushed back on the idea one man shared with him “I think my real problem is depression, and I use pornography to self-comfort….but I am stuck.” 

“I’ll tell you, that’s true!” James said. “You get depressed and you feel lonely; you fall into self-pity; you run to pornography. So, you’re right – the root issue here is not pornography. But the root issue here also is not depression.” He elaborated: 

“The root issue here is not being satisfied in Christ. Because by not being satisfied in the Lord and dwelling in the house of the Lord and beholding the beauty of the Lord, you get depressed. You lose that perfect peace that Isaiah 26:3 talks about, and therefore you get lonely. And when you get lonely you feel a void inside, and you think, “Well, I need to fill that void.” And instead of repenting and taking the way of escape that 1 Corinthians 10:13 talks about, you then run to pornography, you run to an idol. And you raise that up, and it doesn’t satisfy. (15)

Parting encouragement. Even with these qualifiers, the joy and peace of healing and freedom is worth it. And throughout people’s stories, there are many touching words of direct encouragement to those reading. I close with a few: 

• One man who had been walking in freedom for three and half years, said “my marriage and relationship with God has never been better. I’m experiencing truly what God intended for marriage to feel like.” Then he added, “If you are currently struggling in this area, this can be your story.”

• Even with all the difficulties faced, Dave shared that from his experience one day you will likely see the good has come from the experience of overcoming the struggle: “God is shaping you – and the beautiful thing about it…that thing that you suffered through all these years, that will be your testimony.” (2)

• “I know that this journey towards freedom isn’t easy,” Taylor shared by way of encouragement, before adding, “but I truly believe that freedom is possible for every single one of you! Don’t give up on yourself, keep fighting, and rest in the knowledge that Jesus loves you and cares more about your freedom than you do.” (38)

• John, who found lasting healing after an internal change of his heart, encouraged: 

If you’ve been trying to get free for a while and feel like you’ve been spinning your wheels, I’d encourage you to really examine your motivation. Start praying differently. Begin crying out to know God intimately. Ask Him for a deep sorrow over things that grieve His heart. Make it about genuine love for God and others rather than fear of personal loss. When you do, you’ll find the power to walk out what you couldn’t walk out before. Remember, love never fails. (1)

• “If you decide to, you can beat this addiction and have the happiness you desire. Get help. Use the programs available to you.  Reach out to leaders, family and friends. Most of all, reach out to God and don’t give up. The fight will never be over, but you will be able to master yourself and put the addiction away. It took me over a decade, don’t be upset if it takes time. You, like me can become Fortified and resist this new drug.  I promise.” (24) 

• Joshua encourages people to “never surrender” in this pursuit for freedom. (18)

Well, that’s a wrap. If you’ve made it so far, you get a gold star. May 2024 be The Year You Found Freedom.

Remember, this isn't who you are. And it's not how your life has to be.

Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep connecting. And keep getting up.

You’ll get there! I’ll be rooting for you.