'Don't treat girls like a piece of meat'

This lesson my Dad taught my brothers and sisters early on made a huge difference for me. I hope it does the same for my own boys and their friends.

This last Sunday, I had one last chance to teach the young men at church one more thing before many of them moved onto a new group in January. With help from my good neighbor, Jason Summers, I lay a big frozen steak on the table - prompting the boys to share all the things they’d like to do to it - “roast it for hours, season it, eat it….”

Then, I passed around some beef jerky, asking what they thought of this piece of meat they were handling and consuming as we spoke. “Tasty”…”oily”….”delicious.”

“Not that you’ve shared what you think about this piece of meat,” I said, “now tell me your thoughts about this.”

After posting those pictures on the chalkboard, I added these:

“My message to you today,” I shared, “is that these young women are not a piece of meat. And my testimony is that you will be happier in your life if you learn how to treat them like daughters of God - with infinite worth and divine potential.”

Where are boys today going to learn this?

This isn’t so intuitive in America today, to say the least. Even when I grew up, I may not have arrived at this conclusion myself, except for a father who taught us this same lesson at family home evening one night, telling my sisters “you’re not a piece of meat!” I’ll also never forget how he knelt with me at the grocery store aisle one day, pointing to sultry magazine covers and saying “even I have to turn away from those, Jacob.”

I taught the boys this Sunday about “bouncing the eyes” and disciplining themselves (as a “disciple”) to search for what they specifically need, instead of surfing on social media or Youtube. Yet if there isn’t a deeper motivation, none of these techniques will matter all that much. And for me a younger man, that came from hearing the truth about life and relationships from my own parents, leaders and as taught by living prophets.

This talk from Gordon Hinckley had a special impact on me - “Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry” - and I shared the first part of the talk with our boys on Sunday:

Infinite worth

The idea that there is any sort of standard to live up to, outside of “follow whatever feels right,” is increasingly unusual in America today. But President Hinckley left no doubt in my young mind what was right: “The girl you marry can expect you to come to the marriage altar absolutely clean. She can expect you to be a young man of virtue in thought and word and deed. I plead with you boys tonight to keep yourselves free from the stains of the world.”

He went on to warn about how we speak about women and what we take into our minds. We also spoke as a quorum about international surveys showing a large majority of women see themselves as ugly, and how often young women are seeing imagery and messages on social media foisting an impossible comparison on them.

“You guys can make a difference,” I said - “make sure that every young woman you interact with knows that she matters - and that you recognize her true (infinite) worth!”

I shared the story of a girl bullied at our school growing up - and encouraged them to watch out for those who may be seriously questioning their value and life.

“We know that the culminating act of all Creation was the creation of woman!” taught Russell M. Nelson, in 1987 - with President Hinckley likewise sharing in 2004, “Eve became God’s final creation, the grand summation of all the marvelous work that had gone before.”

We read those together, but didn’t have time for this good one: “Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth,” Gordon B. Hinckley also taught. “God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters. He has given us a great and compelling trust. May we be faithful to that trust.”

The beauty of innocent romance

The last thing I want is for these young men, and my own boys, to get fearful about these kinds of questions. “This part of life is so exciting and wonderful - it can be one of the sweetest parts of your life,” I told them. “The adversary knows this, and wants to mess that up for you.”

I showed them this:

“Having the capacity to recognize the truth worth of girls around you is more special than you realize,” I told them. But as I’ve witnessed in the many we try to help dealing with pornography, it can be taken away. “Imagine I locked you in this room and we tried an experiment, I asked - “showing you virtual reality images of the most attractive faces (always airbrushed) anywhere in the world. Then you left this room and went out to interact with real-life girls. What would happen? “

“I’ll tell you what would happen - you can easily come to a point that real-life human beings aren’t attractive to you anymore. You see, attraction can change - narrowing or expanding - depending on what you take into your mind and heart regularly.”

We’ve all seen how easy it is for otherwise beautiful relationships to get hijacked by impossible expectations or ugly resentments. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to preserve the sweet innocence of romance these boys and girls will be experiencing in the years ahead?

These wonderful young men are doing their best to figure this all out. One of the boys spoke about seeing images at the mall that were difficult to get out of his head. Another described uncomfortable stuff coming up while he played video games or during commercials of a football game. If I had time, I would have shown him this video from our Mindweather course, that lays out how to mindfully work through uncomfortable thoughts:

Whole souled beauty

Speaking of his elderly wife, President Hinckley once shared: "I look upon my dear wife, soon to be 92 years of age. I sat at dinner across the table from [her] the other evening. It was fifty-five years ago that we were married...The wondrous aura of young womanhood was upon her. She was beautiful, and I was bewitched." He continued:

Now, for more than half a century, we have walked together through much of storm as well as sunshine. Today neither of us stands as tall as we once did. Her hair is white; her frame is stooped. As I looked at her across the table, I noted her face and hands. Once [her hands] were so beautiful, the flesh firm and clear. Now [they are] wrinkled and a little bony and not very strong. But are they less beautiful than before? No, in fact, they are more so. Those wrinkles have a beauty of their own, and inherent in their very presence is something that speaks reassuringly of strength and integrity and a love that runs more deeply and quietly than ever before.

“That’s true love, guys,” I told them. “And you can learn to have the same in your life!”

“Yes, this isn’t easy to figure out,” I told the boys. “But you can do it!”

‘Pretty,’ not ‘hot’?

I closed with a story from my wife, Monique, who heard of a young man calling a girl “hot” awhile back, and told me how that hurt her feelings. “She’s so much more than that - and ‘hot’ is only focused on the physical and sexual.”

“Let’s use a word different than one you’d use to describe a car, guys. Let’s bring back ‘pretty’ and ‘beautiful.’”

“If you ever struggle with any of this, today can be a new moment. The sacrament can provide a brand new day when you prepare for it through sincere repentance. And each moment can be fresh because of Jesus. That’s the best part of the ‘good news’ of the gospel for me - tomorrow doesn’t have to be the same as today!”