Becoming the kind of person who doesn’t look at porn
Don’t just stop a behavior. Begin living a life so full of love, joy and meaning, that pornography (or any other compulsion) becomes an absolute nuisance.
“Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the work of a lifetime.” Pema Chödrön
There are desperate men and women everywhere, of all ages, who genuinely want something to stop in their lives. Alcohol. Drugs. Overeating. Overspending. And porn.
So, they understandably focus on it. And fight it. And try to control it….exasperated and sad when it keeps coming back – like a never-ending nightmare.
Primed for porn
As long as our gaze is fixed on the isolated problem – how to resist it, how to overcome it – don’t be surprised if that nightmare continues for another couple of months or years, even many years.
But what if our gaze expanded? For instance, let’s face it: If your life is driven by distraction, saturated by screens, self-absorbed in fantasy, organized around pleasure, running away from discomfort, spiritually unanchored, isolated, cynical, resentful, chaotic, exhausted, physically depleted, emotionally wounded, quietly sad, and lacking a noble purpose, why wouldn’t you be more prone to chase whatever stimulating escape you can find?
Of course, there are plenty of people who are lonely, depressed, exhausted, spiritually adrift, and never develop compulsive patterns. But generally speaking, a life like that sets people up to struggle.
‘This is about our whole self’: Reordered to something higher
The opposite is also true. Imagine a life oriented in the reverse direction of all of the above … what then?
A “free-hearted” person is not merely someone who says no to porn – but instead, someone whose whole life is being reordered toward something better and something higher.
Matt Dobschuetz’s book, “Porn Free: Becoming the Type of (Person) That Does Not Look at Porn,” prompts a fundamentally different, whole-life approach to healing from pornography struggles – or anything else compulsive for that matter.1
My friend, therapist Jill Manning knows the difference between deep recovery and more superficial, behaviorally-managed abstinence. What the latter person doesn’t understand, she told me in a recent interview, is that lasting healing ends up touching every part of life – how you think about relationships, time, love, the body and even spiritual matters.
“We’re not just stopping something or removing something,” she said. “We are replacing it with different relational behaviors, different patterns of lifestyle, different attitudes. This is about transformation and changing hearts — not just addressing an isolated piece.”
“This is about our whole self…..We’re not just here to renovate or fix up a part of you.”
If this has been a struggle for you, ask yourself: am I becoming the kind of person for whom porn makes increasing sense? Am I becoming the kind of person for whom porn becomes less and less congruent with who I am?
Searching your own heart
To help people answer this question for themselves, I’ve been working on a typology built around precursor patterns making it more (or less) likely for someone to use pornography – drawing on two different lines of evidence:
First, available risk and protective factor studies that reveal patterns of greater vulnerability (or protection) to compulsive pornography use, something Clay Olsen and I spent lots of time on when we were developing Fortify years ago.
Second, patterns across narratives from men and women who have actually found lasting freedom.
To be clear, this is not some kind of a “good person/bad person” contrast. It’s instead simply a discernment tool to help people gain insight on the many levels of lifestyle patterns and life experiences that lay the groundwork for either a continued compulsive struggle OR the incredible sweetness of lasting freedom.
Also, fair warning: If you struggle with something like this, part of you is going to hate and fight this. Why? Because it’s so much easier to think and believe and assume that recovery is all about finding the secret sauce or silver bullet answer to “get you to stop that one harmful behavior!”
Wouldn’t that be nice to just quietly stop the habit, and not have to look at anything else going on in your life?
Let’s dive in.
14 ways of being priming someone for the incredible joy of lasting freedom
1. A person who relishes connection with people
Have you ever met someone whose presence is tangible and sweet – and who you can feel in your bones relishes you? It’s wonderful to be around those people – but even more wonderful to become one yourself.
Imagine everyone you know feeling that same thing – “wow, I loved that time with that guy….I can’t wait till I get to talk with her again.” For that kind of person, the unique dreams and hopes of someone else are precious to them – as are the goodness and unique qualities already present in that same imperfect person.
How close are you to being this kind of a person already?
If you feel distant, what’s one step you could take to reach for – and “practice” – this way of being? Sometimes just making a little more time – not booking it so tight – can help your body ease up to be able to be more fully present with someone.
Pray for this gift – even with “all the energy of your heart” – to be able to share pure love, true love. Once you receive that heavenly capacity, everything else changes for the better.
2. A person who also treats energy, time and money as precious enough to use carefully
One of the biggest vulnerabilities we’ve found in studying both substance abuse and pornography addiction is how people use their time and money. But why would that matter? Maybe because wasting time – like wasting money – is indicative of something deeper going on.
A willingness to lay aside important, meaningful matters, for whatever passing distraction or pleasure catches our fancy. “I want to do that! I want to have that! Now!” Can you see how that’s the same kind of ‘spirit’ driving any addictive-compulsive pattern?
Interestingly enough, then, even if you are still struggling with bigger issues, beginning to approach time and money not with scarcity, but with a grateful attentiveness, can “prime” you for a life of freedom.
Do you set a schedule and try to keep it? If not, what kind of calendaring system could help you get started this week?
Do you know how much money is coming in – and where it’s going? Rather than feeling like you have to figure out every dollar and penny, try just calculating two things: total funds coming in each month + total fixed payments that must be made monthly. The difference between those two will be a perfect place to start being more attentive.
3. A person who allows their life to be ordered and who values steadiness and consistency
Closely related to seeing money and time as precious resources is a larger sense of order in how we live overall. In the absence of that order, we eat whatever we want, spend whatever we want, and do whatever we want. By contrast, an ordered life is oriented around larger questions: What should I be doing? Who do I have obligations to support? What does God want for me – even right now?
Compare that with a life of following whatever we want whenever we feel like it…. And if we don’t? Oh well. Can you see how much that sets us up for more serious compulsive patterns?
How “chaotic” does your life feel – meaning, pushed and pulled here and there? Imagine how it would feel to have this start to change.
How much do any of these words feel like they describe your life today: steadfast, diligent, grit, resilience, persistence? What would it take to become more of that kind of person?
How much do you scaffold your daily life around custom-designed structure and boundaries?
4. A person willing to practice disciplining appetites, impulses, urges and cravings
Notice the language: “willing to practice disciplining” – which is very different than “disciplined!!” As we’ve been discussing already, impulses come to all of us to eat and drink whatever feels good, to watch or look up anything that feels interesting, to sleep as long as we’d like, to say whatever we want. In some of our worst moments, we immediately follow strong, passing thoughts and feelings – blurting out whatever comes to mind, clicking on any video that looks interesting, checking our phones all the time, and eating whatever we darn well please.
Quite apart from pornography specifically, this way of living exercises and primes all the same dopamine-spiking brain pathways that sexual compulsivity will be glad to dominate. But what would happen if we “practice discipline” in other areas of our lives – not just in time and money management, but also in family communication, in our diet and physical activity and yes, also in how many times we check our phones, check the news, or “take a break” to surf YouTube or social media?
This kind of life is about orienting yourself to something higher than immediate feelings and becoming a person with a deeper center – or a higher focal point. But the fact is, for some people – and let’s be honest, for many of us, at some point in our lives – there is nothing higher or deeper than the immediate pleasure they might feel.
Do you have something higher than your own pleasure and deeper than your own impulses around which you can orient your life?
When you think about learning to resist impulses and appetites, does that feel freeing to you – or oppressive?
What other appetites generally speaking, would you say drive parts of your life and days? Does food, drink or other substances preoccupy your mind and heart – what else?
5. A person not afraid of reality, including when it’s really hard
Reality is not always so easy for many of us – especially when life circumstances seem really hard. So it can take some courage to just stay with what is real – especially when surrounded by so many opportunities to jump ship and chase an escape.
It doesn’t even take hard things in our life to be intrigued by the allure of endless chances to chase distractions, pleasures, entertainment. Pain adds afterburners to that temptation. It takes tremendous courage to just stay and be present – and not run away – when things are really hard.
Pema Chödrön, author of “The Places That Scare You,” points out how rare it is to be encouraged to “move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear….the advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away.”
It takes a kind of courage to do otherwise, and to stand in your life. Although it can take some practice, people find a new kind of delight when reality has become more interesting than fantasy. You really can find out for yourself the joy that comes when real-life presence is more satisfying than stimulation and more beautiful than counterfeit comfort. When that happens, pornography gradually loses its power because reality has become enough.
When you look at your life as a whole, how often are you running away from what you feel inside? Answer honestly – all of our hearts need that kind of honesty.
How often do you quit to do something more enjoyable when you feel overwhelmed by a task?
What would it take for you to discover that pain doesn’t have to be an emergency, loneliness and boredom don’t have to be pushed away, and discomfort can actually be a teacher? When you learn this, urges become information rather than commands. Your freedom begins the moment suffering no longer dictates the next choice.
6. A person continuing to learn and grow in lots of different ways
Once you’ve graduated high school or college, the joke goes, there’s no need to read any more books. It’s not really a joke though – some people really do conclude “I’m good – just the way I am….why waste time trying to learn something more, or develop a new skill?”
That kind of arrogance blinds us to so many lessons that could enrich our lives with a little more humility and curiosity. People who find lasting freedom never stop learning and growing, especially when they’re struggling – but also afterwards. “How long can rolling waters remain impure?” Joseph Smith once said. In fact, they don’t…not for long. Because flushing our mind and heart with new truth and beauty and growth and goodness, has a way of dislodging even the most stubborn residue and old clutter.
Do you enjoy learning new things? If so, how often does that happen? If you’re not interested and open and curious about learning new things, why do you think that is?
Are you growing in different dimensions of your life, apart from whatever appears to be directly related to compulsivity? If not, why do you think you’re resisting growth?
Laying aside, again, anything explicitly tied to sexuality, what areas of growth and learning does your heart feel drawn towards – or your mind curious about?
What steps could you take to bring to pass more learning and growth in your life – classes, books, mentors, practices that could help awaken new progress in your heart and mind overall?
7. A person who keeps turning away from wrong and being accountable about actions
Closely related to daily learning and growth is the ancient practice of turning back towards goodness and God, when our hearts have drifted somewhere else.
Rather than just feeling bad, I like to think of repentance as a kind of mindfulness practice. Just like the mind wanders – and we can bring it back, over and over again. So also, can our heart wander … over and over.
Bring it back. Gently and firmly. Over and over again. To a place and Person that can actually nourish that heart – and bring it to its highest happiness.
Can you still tell inside when you’ve made a choice that is wrong? If that’s hard to answer, why do you think that sense has been dulled – and what can you do to begin to rehabilitate it?
Are you tempted to simply say, “Oh, this is just going to be my life?” or “this is just who I am?” Resist that! And don’t give up hope for lasting healing and change.
How focused are you on your own heart and need to change – versus fixating on what others need to adjust to make your life more comfortable and blaming them for what you are feeling?
When was the last time you felt the burden of sin lifted off of your shoulders – and replaced with sweetness and peace?
Do you see a trajectory of genuine progress in your repentance – OR are you settling into a pattern of going right back to the compulsion, soon after you’ve made sincere commitments? Realize there’s something called false repentance – and it’s worth taking seriously
Do you see any signs in your life of false repentance – what Charles Sturgeon warned as “a repentance that needs to be repented of”?
8. A person willing to share heart and challenges with trusted individuals
It’s possible to be connected with people, even many people and “close friends” – without ever really going there in sharing what’s really going on in our lives. Do you know what that’s like?
The opposite is not becoming an open book for everyone – or pouring out all the difficulties of your life on social media. The true opposite is having a few trusted friends whom you do more than simply trust in theory. You show that trust by letting them know what’s really in your heart – confiding in them any challenges you’re really facing.
The fact is that most free-hearted people have not found purity alone. They have cultivated relationships where truth can be spoken, burdens can be shared, and repentance can be supported. They understand that secrecy is where bondage grows, and honesty is where freedom begins.
And that’s why they do not normalize hiddenness or double lives. They are willing to be known in the places where healing is most needed.
How often do you keep secrets from people you love?
Do you sometimes use lies to protect yourself – and try to protect others too?
What would it feel like to no longer live hidden – where someone knows your real story.
What would this kind of sharing and transparency look like in your own network of friends? Who would that include – and how would it work?
9. A person who prioritizes the needs and suffering of others in how they orient their lives
Most people who have been teenagers know what it’s like to orient most every minute of each day around our own needs and desires. But then we’re supposed to grow up, right?
Only many don’t – with an increasing number of adults willingly and proudly adopting what used to be reserved for “narcissists” – “I need to be more focused on my happiness – and what’s going to be best for me!
The opposite of this is living a life of meaning, purpose and service – getting outside of ourselves in some of the many ways there are to lift people around us.
How much of a sense of meaning and purpose do you currently have in your life?
What could it mean – and what would it take – to have a life organized not around a particular impulse, but instead around creating, building, serving, loving and giving? Can you feel the energy even a sentence about that life gives off? In a life like this, porn gradually becomes irrelevant because life has become too meaningful to leave.
10. A person who possesses their soul in patience and kindness
Anger is fuel on the fire of addiction – and something that compulsive patterns likewise fuel. This is something people struggling with alcohol have taught in the AA Big Book for many years:
“Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease...We found that it is fatal … If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.”
But when we get in a dark place, anger becomes almost second nature – lashing out at anyone or anything that we don’t like or who makes us feel uncomfortable. A life of that kind of “aversion” is a life of suffering, period.
The opposite is a life infused by gratitude, patience and long-suffering – where we are “not easily provoked” like Paul taught the people of Corinth.
Do you struggle to get along with others – and find people wanting to get away from you?
How often do you inadvertently come across as aggressive to others or controlling?
Do you often feel irritated by others and get annoyed by small things?
Are you tired of a life driven by so much anger? How much are you willing to yield to receive something better?
11. A person not scared of silence and stillness – and who begins to appreciate them
It’s become increasingly common to have people who can’t be alone with their own thoughts – who have to “have some noise on” around them. Our fast-paced society trains our brains in this direction, one short-form video at a time.
Are you still able – and willing – to read a book? If not, when did you lose that capacity – and what are you willing to do to gain it back?
How often do you “practice” being still? Are you willing to start – if you knew, really knew, you could regain this capacity?
When you’re around other people, how present are you able to be with them?
12. A person who taps into the love, peace, joy and power of God
That boring question “are you religious?” misses out an even more important question: In all your experiences pursuing faith or spirituality, how often did you tap into a deeper love, joy or peace?
If not, can you blame people for stepping away from faith? And for those who experience this otherworldly peace, joy and love – wild horses couldn’t drag them away from that faith.
If you haven’t felt this kind of transcendent peace and joy from your connection with God – or love too – why do you think that is? Do you tend to feel deeply in other parts of life, or do you tend to not feel as much?
If this isn’t something you experience with God, where do you tend to feel most in your life? For many people, this can be about discovering a new source of comfort, love and connection – as well as confidence and power.
13. A person who delights in truth and goodness overall
When Jesus spoke to Nicodemus, he said, “And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light…”
The seeds of people’s stuckness were embedded in their own heart. They wanted the darkness – and “loved it” – seemingly more than anything else God could offer them.
That’s a little frightening, but a clear reality for many people today. But it doesn’t have to be. Even if your heart longs after some of that darkness, you too can become someone different: a person who loves light and goodness.
Searching your own heart, how much of your own desires are tied up in goodness and light – compared with darker passions?
If there was a way to fall in love with light and goodness more, would you want it?
How would your life change if the deepest desires of your heart could also change? By the way, if you’re worried about the impossibility of “forcing yourself to feel” a certain way – stop worrying. This is work God can do in you. And as John taught, even “If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts.”
14. A person who sees divinity in themselves and others
When you look inside, do you see something divine – and infinitely precious? How about when you look at others around you?
As long as women are seen as a “piece of meat” – and largely worth how they look, don’t be surprised if you relate to the many people around you out of that core instinct.
It’s possible to come to see and feel otherwise. But not by analyzing. This is another gift you need to receive.
When was the last time you remember looking at someone and being struck by the beauty of their heart and spirit?
When it comes to attraction, do you know how to pursue a “whole-souled attraction” towards someone else?
A whole-life approach to recovery
This isn't just about porn.
This is about the kind of human being you're becoming.
When you look at all the questions above, notice that we’re not asking about pornography anymore. We’re asking about all of your life.
That’s huge, especially because pornography almost disappears from center stage – just like it needs to in your own life.
Instead of “How do I stop looking at porn?” this is about “What kind of life am I quietly becoming and cultivating?”
Instead of fixating on what is wrong, this is about getting more curious and focused on: what is growing?
Instead of asking, “How much are you struggling with pornography?” this is about exploring “What kind of person are your daily patterns quietly training you to become?” – pouring attention into how the deepest relationships in your life are being formed? (with everything else – including pornography – becoming one downstream expression of that larger developmental story).
This shifts the focus from eliminating a symptom to cultivating a life. Instead of regarding pornography as the primary issue, this treats pornography as one visible indicator of a much deeper developmental trajectory – one reflected in formative dynamics operating beneath the surface of your life that you may not have noticed before – at least not in their relationship with compulsivity.
Maybe that’s the greatest shift of all. Recovery isn’t finally about becoming someone who no longer looks at pornography. It’s about becoming someone who has discovered a richer way to live. Someone whose loves have been reordered. Someone who is increasingly captivated by what is real, beautiful, true, and good.
Pornography (like alcohol, drugs and many other fixations) may once have seemed irresistible – but over time it simply becomes out of place in a life that is filling with something better.
It’s about becoming the kind of person whose heart is steadily being reclaimed by truth, love, beauty, service, courage, and God. As those deeper loves grow stronger, pornography doesn’t simply become forbidden – it becomes increasingly foreign.
That may be the most exciting thing about lasting recovery: not merely the absence of compulsion, but the presence of a new heart.
Other related work:
The kind of person porn trains us to become
We usually talk about pornography in terms of right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, addictive or not addictive. Those are all important questions. But there is another question that I believe matters even more: What kind of person does pornography train us to become?
Consider: “Becoming the Type of Person That Doesn’t Get Drunk….That Doesn’t Get High….That Doesn’t Eat Till They Are Sick…or Spend and Gamble Till They’re Out of Money…or Waste Hours a Day on Video Games”