“I want to beat this, so why do I keep doing it?” When Porn Comes Knocking

Published in a simplified version at Fight the New Drug. Photo credit: Nazrin Babashova

Imagine getting a knock on the door. When you open it, a beautiful stranger stands there - with an offer to remove their clothes right in front of you. 

“What are you talking about?! I’m sorry….no thanks. I’m in a relationship – and that’s not something I feel right about. Please leave.”  

The door closes, and you take a deep breath. An hour passes, and another stranger – different, but equally beautiful – makes the same knock, and the same offer…this time, inviting you to witness them making love with someone else.    

Over and over, day after day…the knocks continue – no matter your protestations. The invitations to witnessing a de-robing, a love-making…an endless “sea of sex” right before you.   All access. Anytime.  

Would that be difficult to face? You bet it is. Just ask anyone living in the world today – because this is a lot like what they are facing. This thought experiment also invites more empathy for what we’re asking men and women – young and old – to turn away from right now. 

And yes, turning towards something better. But should we really be confused why people struggle?  

“Why do I keep going back, when I know better?”  

Dr. Mark Chamberlain has arguably worked with more people grappling with serious pornography addiction than virtually anyone alive. In a recent interview, Mark helped explain why people keep getting dragged back into it, despite their better inclinations - centered in this powerful message pornography sends our bodies – quite independent of whatever we believe in our heads. 

Even when we know all sorts of reasons we’d like to stay away, pornography registers a potent and visceral message at the level of our brain and body…namely this:  “I see you…I want you…you’re lovable – in fact, I trust you so much I’ll be naked with you.” 

All these messages, he explains, are potent physiologically – “to have another human being love us, want us, trust us, approve of us, just be delighted in us, that’s wired into our systems to help us connect with other human beings.” 

So even if we know these messages are phony and counterfeit on a real level, “our brain doesn’t know it” he emphasized, and “the juices in our body don't know it.” That’s why the constant invitation of pornography can feel like a legitimate lift, distraction and relief from the pressures around us.  

So what does this all mean? 

There are emotional reasons people keep going back to porn - reasons that are not crazy, not evil, and not deranged.  

We all need connection.  We all need to belong and feel loved. And your body-and-brain has been tricked into believing porn is going to give you all that.  

When it doesn’t.  Not at all.  

In fact, the more we answer that knock - and welcome porn into our home - the less connection and love we end up feeling (even when others are trying to find it!) 

That’s one big explanation for the significant mental health and psychological costs of pornography.  In fact, as documented on Gary Wilson’s Your Brain on Pornography, over 85 studies link porn use to poorer mental-emotional health & poorer cognitive outcomes - with another 80 studies linking porn use to less sexual and relationship satisfaction. 

Don’t believe me!  Just check out the studies (or your own life).  

The good news, though, is that the influence runs both ways. If porn, in fact, corrodes our mental health and relationship quality - growing freedom from pornography corresponds with boosts to all the above.  

That’s why it feels so good to get some distance from this stuff!  

Instead of just fighting off the bad stuff, do whatever you can to fill your mind, heart and life with all the good stuff.  Pretty soon, porn will become like that ex-lover - a nuisance you have to stay away from…for your own mental health! And because life without porn is just so much better.  

Then, when the knock comes at the door - you’ll know what to say!