'I could choose to believe God really was there. Or I could choose to believe he wasn’t'

In my darkest moment, I was surprised to feel strongly: "You need to make some changes." What happened next surprised me even more.

This guest post is excerpted from a talk Monique gave on Easter Sunday this year to our local congregation in Paradise. I’m grateful to her for her allowing me to publish her beautiful thoughts this morning.

I think there comes a time in almost everyone’s lives when no matter how wonderful their family, friends and community are, they just can’t know or understand what you are going through.

Times when all we can do is sing along with that old African spiritual: “nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows but Jesus.”

Nobody but Jesus.

‘No idea what we were going to do’

On Easter Sunday last year, we welcomed our beautiful little Olivia to our family in the very last moments of the day. After so much heartache in suffering with and then losing our precious Emma 6 months earlier, we were so excited for this new soul to bring happiness and light back to our family.

Less than three days later, however, she began to show signs of the same seizure disorder Emma had faced. Having just been through this and realizing what we would be dealing with again overwhelmed me to the point that I didn’t feel like I could go on.

My husband aptly described it as crossing the finish line of a marathon only to find you are at the beginning of another one. You don't even get to sit down.

I’ve needed my Savior many times in my life for many reasons, but I had never felt such a need as I did at this time. The weight of this challenge felt like it was literally crushing me. I had no idea what I was going to do.

I prayed over and over the same thing Alma prayed - “O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me.”

On some level, I knew God wasn't just going to take this one away, I was going to have to learn how to do this. Yet, I have felt many times this year that He’s the one that would teach me since He does know how to do this - and that He knows because He has experienced it.

So often we want the miracles that take our problems and pain away and those do happen when it is the right time. But sometimes we overlook the daily miracle we have available to us - that the God of the entire Universe is ready and qualified (through His own experience) to help us right now! He is here to help us go through the experiences we need, but are unable to do on our own.

The challenges of this year have been even more difficult than I could have anticipated. But the blessings have more than compensated.

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‘You want me to repent?’

In one of our lowest moments with Olivia, I was pleading with God to intervene. I got a clear answer that if I wanted more of His help, I would need to make some changes and repent.

This was a big surprise. I wasn't sure how my changing was going to help my daughter but I was definitely willing to do whatever was asked.

Truth be told, the things I felt like I needed to repent of, I hadn't even realized to that point I could repent of. They were struggles I wasn't realizing I could even change.

But the Lord has led me along and I've been changing and it has been wonderful. I think often of Christ's invitation to repent and be healed. My willingness to repent has brought about much needed healing and closeness to Christ and it has been one of my greatest blessings.

The other unexpected blessing of this year has been an increase of faith.

‘I wasn’t sure I wanted to trust God anymore’

When our daughter passed away, things got hard and I wasn't sure I wanted to trust God anymore. I was confused about what I'd always believed and I really struggled to get myself back on solid ground. I was asking a lot of questions with no answers and it was a pretty dark time.

When Olivia was born, my faith was still not in a good place. To start another marathon while my foundation was still so shaky felt like a hurdle I just couldn't get over.

I knew I had to make a choice.

• I could choose to believe that God was the all knowing, all loving, all powerful and all personal God that would never do anything to hurt us and only acts out of perfect love in each of our lives - or I could choose to believe that He wasn't.

• I could choose to believe that He knew exactly what had happened in my life and in my daughter's life and allowed it because it was best in His eternal and perfectly loving view - or I could choose to believe that He didn't.

• I could choose to believe that He hears every prayer we pray and answers them perfectly in the way that is best for us now and forever - or I could choose to believe that He doesn't.

• I could choose to believe He could make everything right and fix all our hurts and dry all our tears and heal our souls - or I could choose to believe that He couldn't.

I made the choice at that time to believe - to believe that He knew me, loved me and had the power to help me in Christ’s love, His power and His promises. And I have consciously made that choice every day and moment since.

Our Savior tells us to “Look unto Him in every thought-doubt not, fear not.”

Because I have chosen to keep doing this, my faith has grown strong. I trust Him like I never have before and my family has experienced many blessings, including direct answers to many prayers.

I have felt more peace than I have ever before in my life. The anxiety that used to paralyze me has been lifted in a miraculous way.

I have also felt more gratitude and even JOY than I have in any other year of my life. I have experienced our prophet’s promise that “Joy has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

I trust Him more than I ever have before. I know Him better than I ever have before. I love Him more than I ever have before.

‘Rejoicing with a loud voice’

In the Book of Revelation, John captures the moment when we all anticipated the chance to come here to earth. There, he sees an angel proclaiming with a loud voice, “Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?” (Without going into much detail, all of the seals symbolize a kind of threshold that unleashes God’s plain concerning the earth - the Redeeming of mankind.)

John says “no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.” He then admits that he “wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.”

But then….John heard: “Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.”

And they sung a new song, saying, “Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation.”

And then tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands of angels shouted and rejoiced with a loud voice.

I love imagining this scene: all of us realizing we couldn’t do it ourselves and searching for one who could help us. Then watching as Jesus told us He was going to help us so that we could do it.

I am sure many of us were among those shouting and rejoicing with a loud voice.

Imagine, brothers and sisters, if we could still today shout and sing praises in a loud voice to the Lamb who was worthy to open all possibilities for us so that we may overcome through His blood, His suffering and His perfect and wonderful love.

So many people I know are going through something hard - really hard in most cases. I used to feel so sad for everyone and wonder why things in life were so difficult-including for myself. I still feel sad sometimes, because it’s just part of the experience, but I don’t feel pity for myself or my daughter. Our circumstances are not tragic. These moments are our opportunities … even our blessings.

I am a witness that the willingness and capacity of our Savior to help us overcome is real - and that He’s never very far away when we are needing and wanting His help.

Although this is probably hard to understand from the outside, when you experience God teaching you, strengthening you, sometimes even carrying you, it doesn’t matter what’s happening in your life at the time, you can still feel grateful. I hope all of us can see and believe in and feel this kind of help in our lives, because it’s what he wants for all of us.