Dear readers — this is one of the most important things I’ve ever published. With roots that date back to my 2006-2009 University of Illinois dissertation on depression treatment, I’ve been thinking about this question for two decades now.

I’m sharing below a new Antidepressant Side Effect Checklist that I’ve been working on based on the latest research for public educational purposes. Before introducing it, I need to say more about why this question matters so much.

There’s a lot to say before introducing an Antidepressant Side Effect Checklist, precisely because of how much depression and anxiety hurt. I’ll never forget a young woman in her 20s comparing her experience with depression to earlier, vicious child abuse. This is what she told me:

“I have had beatings to the point of unconsciousness — ripped, broken, arms taken out of the socket — and that compares nothing… doesn’t even begin to be the pain that became every day, just right here [pointing to chest] — this thing that wouldn’t go away — that made it hard to breathe… I would rather have hours and hours of people beating me than to have been where I was inside. It hurt that bad… there were times I thought it would kill me — all on its own.”

That’s how intense and overwhelming depression can become. And it’s why it makes sense that someone facing this would do anything they can to find relief, stability, and hope. Whatever path someone chooses in that effort deserves understanding and support. That includes deciding to take an antidepressant — for as long as it feels helpful or necessary.

The purpose of this inventory is simply to offer greater clarity about the range of possible side effects associated with antidepressant treatment, so that families and individuals — young and old — can participate more actively in decisions about their care.

For some, that may simply mean continuing treatment with more awareness. For others, it might raise questions worth exploring over time with a trusted professional. In some instances, that conversation may eventually lead to considering cautious, gradual changes — with appropriate support and at a measured, careful pace. For many, no changes may be needed; instead, this may simply put language to experiences or confirm that their current approach is working.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn has taught, until we can see clearly where we are, we don’t really know where to go next. In my experience, many people are unaware or confused about antidepressant side effects — with little understanding about whether a headache or brain fog or sexual problem could be associated with their treatment.

Even so, greater clarity about this all doesn’t force any particular decision — nor does it require urgency. Expanded awareness simply allows wiser, more grounded decisions, which may support deeper healing over time. Whatever adjustments are made can happen gradually, without pressure — especially avoiding sudden changes without guidance.

Hoping this checklist is helpful,

Yours, Jacob

What’s really coming from what?

Since publishing a recent cautionary story about inadvertent treatment effects, I’ve been thinking more about how difficult it can be to differentiate between symptoms arising from emotional struggles like depression and the effects of medications many people now take as a first-line treatment option.

That confusion can really make a difference. A friend told me recently about piercing headaches that wouldn’t go away — headaches that she hadn’t experienced until recent years. Even though this woman was educated and bright, she hadn’t seriously considered that the antidepressants she had started during this same period might be contributing to her migraines.

That specific side effect is listed on 5 out of 6 FDA prescribing guides of the most common antidepressants. But my friend likely never heard about that possibility from her physician — nor did she read about it on her own. If she had picked up the pamphlet inserted into the package, she would also have little way of knowing that the “official” list of side effects may not capture the full range of what can occur, especially over the long-term.

This is another reason for the confusion: so many of these side effects naturally change over time in ways that can be unpredictable. Amid this uncertainty, strong biases can exert themselves. Psychiatrist Peter Breggin cautioned for decades how easy it can be to assume something unpleasant is coming from an underlying emotional problem, while taking for granted that something positive or pleasant is connected to the medical treatment.

Despite this confusion, I believe there’s a strong way to ground ourselves in this discernment. It starts with getting clearer about the full scope of side effects associated with a particular treatment. From my own renewed curiosity, I decided to gather the side effects submitted in the FDA approval process for the 6 most common antidepressants in use: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil and Luvox. These are each part of a group of classic SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) — which were developed to inhibit serotonin from being reabsorbed in the brain, in an attempt to make more of that neurotransmitter available for someone struggling with depression.1

Supplementing with other data from post-marketing studies and consumer/patient forums, I’ve pulled the side effect themes together into a draft of a new checklist to assist those wanting to get a better sense of whether parts of their experience may be influenced by this particular class of medications.

That could be good news, by the way. If symptoms like headaches, dizziness, insomnia, or irritability are partly medication-related, they may be more modifiable than they seem.

In the wake of realizations like this, I’ve known many people who decided with their supervising doctor to make some gentle, thoughtful adjustments in how they respond to depression, and subsequently came to find a different kind of life experience (here’s one example).

A short-term symptoms focus

Virtually all of the mental health surveys I’ve ever seen are focused on symptoms of a particular emotional disorder — in this case, centered on the “depressed mood” or “loss of interest/pleasure” in life which are one of two conditions required for a clinical diagnosis of depression. In addition, at least three of the following need to be present: concerning shifts in weight/appetite, sleep, energy, cognitive ability, lack of movement, “feelings of worthlessness” and “recurrent thoughts of death.”

As the classic DSM depression profile, this constellation of symptoms must be present over a 2-week period and represent a “change from previous functioning.”

It’s here that our collective attention has been focused for nearly 3 decades: running through these criteria with a doctor, screening our young people, or taking a self-assessment ourselves. Often prompted by these kinds of assessments, an estimated 33–35 million Americans now take antidepressants annually (~13% of the adult population), along with roughly a million teenagers (~5% of the teenage total in the U.S.).

Given the vast scope of this public health intervention, it’s important to explore what happens next: understanding in greater detail the evolving range of effects people experience on the medications.

Yet after the investment in initial short-term studies designed for FDA approval, it’s striking how little sustained research has gone into careful evaluations of treatment experience over time, especially not in the long term. (I know, because over the years I’ve been collecting every long-term antidepressant study I can find).

For someone whose antidepressant isn’t going well over time, this can create some added confusion. That’s where one of my own dear family members was years ago. Medicated for depression, but feeling worse than ever.

After years of treatment, she was told that she was “treatment resistant.” Rather than looking more carefully at the treatment itself, she came away feeling that she was the problem — ‘guess I’m just even sicker than I thought?’

Another kind of symptom focus

We need to do better than that for the precious lives of so many amazing people facing emotional challenges. (In my experience it’s especially sensitive and deep souls who tend to hurt like this — Homer Simpson doesn’t get depressed).

For the many people — young and old — who yearn for a little more peace and happiness, I wonder: What could it mean if a little more attention went to appraising the full scope of antidepressant side effects potentially showing up in their experience?

For one, I believe we’d be closer to being able to see clearly what’s-coming-from-what in terms of our evolving emotional experience: Where is the pain coming from? And the sweetness too?

Just as that clarity could make a difference in important decisions about long-term trajectories of care, a lack of clarity on this question can surely complicate these same deliberations.

That’s my motivation in drafting this new “awareness tool” I’m laying the groundwork for introducing here. I hope this can be something to help suffering individuals or their loved ones if antidepressants have been a part of their recent life experience.

Illustrations generated with AI (ChatGPT), based on author direction

Some background

Twenty-five years ago during my doctoral program at the University of Illinois, I became fascinated with competing stories human beings tell about emotional pain — and the different ways they interpret and “narrate” depression, in particular. After interviewing people in Salt Lake City and Chicago for my dissertation on Prozac, I wrote 300 pages on the topic, including peer-reviewed articles on competing stories about the depressed brain, about whether recovery is possible and about what it means for medication to “work” for teens and children.

I later helped create two different online classes drawing on many of these same concepts and wrote a 2023 Deseret News article, “Is it me or my medication,” on this specific question I’m taking up today in more depth.

One of the biggest things I learned in all my research on the topic is how complicated this is all — not easy to tell what’s going on! Once someone is taking a daily medication that directly influences their emotion, a 3rd variable gets introduced that isn’t so easy to parse out. After all, whatever you’re experiencing inside is just what you are experiencing … how is someone supposed to tell whether it’s connected to medication or any of the hundreds of other (environmental, lifestyle, social, physical, spiritual) influences on their emotions?

It was the Boston College sociologist David Karp who first gave this question proper attention in his memoir of grappling with depression himself: “Is it me or my meds?”

My own study reinforced how challenging this question is for so many people. Yet outside of passing conversations, I’ve never had a chance to create anything specifically for people in the middle of this question.

What follows is shared as public scholarship to inform further conversations within families and the many helping support those facing these emotional challenges. It represents a synthesis of existing knowledge, and I welcome additional critique and feedback.

The development approach I took

Here’s how I created this antidepressant side effect checklist.

Understanding the basic scope of side effects

To understand the scope of side effects of any medication, a good place to start is the Full Prescribing Information (FPI) — an FDA-approved “package insert” for healthcare providers that compiles a drug’s safety profile based on data reported by the manufacturer.

After gathering both common and serious side effects in FPIs for the 6 most established SSRI antidepressants2 — Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil and Luvox — I identified 22 different side effects that showed up across all six medications, along with another 7 that showed up in at least 5 of the medications.

Here is the 6-out-of-6 list of potential side effects (with some medical jargon converted to plain terminology):

• Feeling like you might throw up

• Diarrhea or loose stool

• Difficulty having bowel movements

• Indigestion or upset stomach

• Dry mouth

• Trouble sleeping

• Feeling very sleepy or drowsy

• Low energy or unusual tiredness

• Dizziness or lightheadedness

• Shaking, usually in the hands

• Feeling anxious or worried

• Feeling nervous or jittery

• Excessive sweating

• Not feeling like eating

• Decreased sex drive

• Delayed or difficulty with ejaculation

• Thoughts about self-harm or suicide

• Feeling suddenly much worse emotionally or more depressed

• Feeling unusually energized, impulsive, or out of control

• Unusual bleeding or bruising

And here is the 5-out-of-6 side effect list, based on these same six FPI guides:

• Stomach pain

• Throwing up

• Feeling restless or unable to relax

• Difficulty getting or maintaining an erection

• Severe restlessness or inability to sit still

• Symptoms of too much serotonin (confusion, sweating, fast heartbeat, shaking)

• Eye pain or sudden vision changes

• Headache

• Difficulty reaching orgasm

• Skin rash

As you can see, many potential SSRI side effects are not unique to individual drugs — they are shared across this class of medications. These SSRI side effects that have been identified as potentially happening in all six medications include gastrointestinal distress, sleep and energy disruption, neurological symptoms like dizziness and tremor, heightened anxiety or restlessness, sexual dysfunction, and a smaller but important set of serious risks affecting mood, bleeding, and overall system regulation.

This constellation of experiences forms a natural anchor point for any antidepressant side effect inventory. In fact, approximately 85% of the items in two of the main antidepressant symptom inventories already in use today map onto this same basic list of symptoms above: The 32-question Toronto Side Effects Scale (TSES) from 2002 and the 21-question Antidepressant Side-Effect Checklist (ASEC) from 2009 both largely draw from the same clusters of symptoms highlighted in FDA prescribing documents.

This only becomes a limitation if additional categories of side effects are not considered. For instance, neither of these earlier side-effect surveys explore the possibility of an antidepressant worsening depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, inducing mania, or prompting symptoms of “serotonin syndrome” (signs of too much serotonin). And like the FPI prescribing brochures themselves, neither of these other surveys considers the possibility of a drug-induced increased sense of hopelessness, worthlessness or loss of meaning.

Balancing side-effects with positive effects

Of course, antidepressant treatment also frequently elicit positive effects. In line with research submitted to the FDA for antidepressant approval, many people describe a reduction in depression symptoms (and sometimes in anxiety symptoms) that makes any of these known side effects potentially worth tolerating in an overall cost-benefit ratio.

That means lower scores on depression scales like the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale, with some modest improvements in sleep, appetite and energy also seen over 4–8 weeks among roughly half of patients during early weeks on an antidepressant, and a “remission” observed among many of these symptoms in about a third of patients during this same initial period.

These patients describe things like:

• “Relief from the worst intensity” for a period of time and feeling less overwhelmed with the pain becoming more manageable (“taking the edge off”).

• A better ability to get out of bed, work and engage in daily tasks, as well as improved sleep for some.

• Less constant worry or panic, and feeling more settled or calm

• Fewer extreme highs/lows and more predictable mood

• Sometimes an increase in motivation and a return of interest in life events

I heard these same kinds of reports in my University of Illinois antidepressant study, especially during the initial period of treatment. For most people I’ve spoken with, unfortunately, these benefits do not endure in the same way over time — underscoring the importance of longer-term research.

These initial positive effects have received enormous attention over the years — publicized and promoted for nearly two decades. By comparison, details on side effects have received relatively sparse public attention.

All this explains why more discussion is needed and, in my view, something more than earlier side effect inventories, which largely follow company-reported lists of symptoms.

Two kinds of additional data

There are two kinds of additional information important to consider in understanding the range of side effects on any medication.

The value of independent research

When side-effect surveys rely primarily on company-generated data, an important set of additional possibilities will likely be missed. This is intuitive to anyone who has watched a drug commercial with lovely video images, accompanied by a rapid voiceover running through a list of side effects.

It turns out even the list of side effects companies insert via pamphlet into a medication box is curated in interesting ways. For example, sexual side effects such as reduced libido, delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or difficulty reaching orgasm, are compressed into a single, more generic label of “sexual problems” in the official medication guides for Celexa and Lexapro.

To capture the wider picture of side effects, these company reports need to be supplemented with “non-official” sources. In addition to independent outcome studies, there is value in studying consumer/patient forums without any connection to industry or professional associations.

The value of patient forums

Consumer/patient forums can be uniquely helpful in identifying what might be missing from official symptom lists. While official sources — company and independent — define what is identified in research, patient forums reveal what is experienced.

While clinical trials capture frequent, measurable, short-term effects and physiologically clear outcomes, patient forums also do a better job capturing subjective experience, cognitive and emotional changes, identity shifts, earlier onset symptoms, changes over time (including long-term effects and withdrawal effects), or changes that are rare or spread out over time, and thus harder to pinpoint.

During her time on faculty at Colorado State University, my colleague Shannon Hughes joined David Cohen in comparing antidepressant side-effect reports on industry-funded websites (like www.webmd.com), with independent patient forums (like www.askapatient.com), which they found “capture real-world variability missing from trials.”

By comparing Lexapro side effects presented on these two different kinds of websites, they found:

• Professionally-controlled websites were more likely to feature symptom improvement, while consumer-controlled sites tended to share more details about symptoms worsening.

• Consumer sites were also more likely to share side effects that were “disrupting daily routines” and which involved “richer descriptions of effects in context.”

These researchers concluded: “Professional medication descriptions offer the advantage of a concise yet comprehensive listing of drug effects, while consumer reviews offer greater context and situational examples of how effects may manifest in various combinations and to varying degrees.”

Additional themes documented

As you can see, if we want to better understand the emotional, cognitive, interpersonal, and sensory experiences that most people consider central, we need to step beyond official side-effect lists to explore the broader picture of lived experience on any given medication.

Based on that broader analysis, here are some other potential antidepressant side effects that are commonly observed in patient forums and independent research:

• Emotional numbness or blunting

• Feeling less emotional range (less joy and less sadness)

• Feeling less awe, wonder, or being “moved” by meaningful experiences

• Reduced motivation or drive

• More apathy or less interest in things you usually care about

• Brain fog (feeling mentally dull or less sharp)

• Memory problems

• Reduced empathy or compassion for others

• Feeling more emotionally distant or disconnected from other people

• Less interested in being around others

• Inner restlessness or inability to sit still

• Extreme internal agitation and urge to move (“feel like I’m crawling out of my skin,” sometimes called akathisia)

• Internal vibrations or buzzing sensations

• Muscle twitching or jerking

• Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)

• Vivid dreams or nightmares

• Night sweats

• Temperature sensitivity (feeling unusually hot or cold)

• Jaw clenching or jaw tightness

These are all underrepresented in FDA “pamphlet inserts” or FPI “clinician guides.” I’ve included them in this new checklist below.

Two other areas of inquiry

In addition to this wider scope of side effects captured in patient forums and independent research, there are two other areas that make this checklist unique, summarized below.

1. Other kinds of non-SSRI antidepressants

After forming the original side effect list from the 6 most popular, SSRI antidepressants (Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil and Luvox), I realized this list of potential changes mapped fairly well onto what’s known about other antidepressants too, with a few exceptions.

In order to make this checklist more generalizable to Wellbutrin and some newer antidepressants like Trintellix, and SNRIs like Pristiq or Cymbalta, I’ve added several potential side effects often associated with these newer medications:

• Increased appetite

• Weight gain

• Feeling unusually sleepy, sedated, or hard to wake up

• Feeling unusually activated, stimulated, or “amped up”

• Heart racing, pounding, or palpitations

• Unusual increase in sexual thoughts, desire, or arousal

• Mood swings or feeling emotionally unstable

• Blurred vision or other visual changes

• Changes in urination (more frequent, difficult, or unusual)

2. Withdrawal-specific changes

While many of these side effects show up in the normal course of antidepressant treatment (e.g., weight gain, sexual dysfunction), a surprising number occur especially when making changes to the medication, whether that is starting, stopping, or adjusting dosage.

These dosage-change-specific experiences include some of the most common antidepressant side effects like headache, nausea, loss of appetite, agitation, difficulty concentrating, insomnia, fatigue and restlessness.

But there’s a third category of effects exclusive to withdrawal or discontinuation — and not typically showing up unless someone attempts to come off their medication (especially if they do so too quickly, and without tapering gradually enough).

Many of the antidepressant side effects that occur during initial treatment — especially in sleep, mood, energy, and anxiety — can also reappear during withdrawal, often with similar intensity. A core list of changes that are specific to withdrawal have been included in a separate section of the checklist:

• Brain zaps / electric shock sensations

• Internal buzzing or vibrating sensations

• Dizziness triggered by head or eye movement

• Feeling off-balance or like you’re walking on a boat

• Sensitivity to light, sound, or motion

• Sudden emotional surges or swings

• Feeling detached from yourself or surroundings (unreal or distant)

• Visual disturbances (e.g., trailing images or delayed visual tracking)

• Symptoms that come in sudden waves or bursts

• Symptoms that worsen quickly when a dose is missed and improve after taking it

This smaller list of potential withdrawal effects represents a broader group of possible effects, with 187 withdrawal-related symptoms that have been observed in people discontinuing psychiatric medication generally, as compiled here by former patients.

Read this first

Before going further, it’s worth pausing for a moment.

This checklist is not a diagnostic or treatment tool, and nothing here is intended as medical advice. That means this isn’t a clinical tool designed to diagnose, assess, or guide treatment decisions on its own. Rather, it is intended as an educational and reflective resource — to help people notice patterns and generate questions they may wish to explore with qualified professionals, similar to many other self-guided mental health checklists out there.

Most of what’s included here is already known in different places — clinical documents, studies, and patient reports — but rarely brought together in one accessible format. As a synthesis of publicly available sources, clinical documents, and patient-reported experience that is translated into a practical awareness tool, my aim is to make existing knowledge more visible and usable to the general public.

The final list is intentionally broad — gathering many possibilities. Yet most people will experience only a small fraction of these, and often temporarily. The goal here is not to alarm, but to give language to experiences that can otherwise feel confusing or isolating. If something stands out, it’s simply an invitation to notice — not to act quickly or make changes on your own.

People’s experiences with medication vary widely, and no single pattern applies to everyone. For many people, two things can be true at once: a medication may provide meaningful relief while also introducing side effects that are easy to miss. This complexity is part of what makes clear awareness so challenging.

The complete checklist

You can access here the full 90-question Antidepressant Side Effect Checklist, along with a reflection section with some questions as you consider the results.

Antidepressant Side Effect Checklist

192KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

I’ve worked hard to use language and categories that are accessible and reflective of how individuals actually experience these side effects — minimizing medical jargon.

While other nuanced questions could be asked about each item, including whether a particular symptom was “Mild,” “Moderate” or “Severe” (or not present at all), I’ve made each question simply a “yes” or “no” to reduce the cognitive load and make the checklist more doable. (I’d welcome feedback on the checklist and how I can make it better: jzhess@gmail.com).

None of this, of course, substitutes for professional medical advice. If anything in this list raises concern, the next step is not to make any changes on your own, but to begin new conversations with people you trust, including qualified professionals. Rapid changes — especially stopping suddenly — can make symptoms significantly worse.

That’s why it’s strongly advisable to work with a trusted medical professional in supervising decisions related to medication. And virtually always (unless you’ve only been taking a medication for a few months) — even if your doctor is recommending that you “cut the dose in half” — a decrease in medication often discussed in terms of gradual, stepwise reductions (for example, small percentage decreases over time)3

This checklist expands the scope of antidepressant effects worth considering, compared with both standard side-effect lists in the FDA Medication guides/FPI documents and earlier inventories that are more narrowly focused. For instance, in addition to other inventories reviewed earlier, American psychiatrist John Rush and colleagues developed the Patient Rated Inventory of Side Effects (PRISE) in the early 2000s as part of the STAR*D research project. What started off as only 8 questions is now a 32-question survey — but is not publicly available, to my knowledge.

Many of these inventories are either two decades old or simply too limited in the scope of side effects they take up. Other tools like the UKU Side Effect Rating Scale were developed by Scandinavian researchers to be more comprehensive across all psychiatric side effects. But again, this was created in 1987 and is now almost as old as I am!4

Two follow-up questions

There’s a lot to consider here. Let’s walk through two other questions some people will have.

1. Okay, but how frequent are any of these side effects?

To see a checklist of all potential side effects in one place can feel overwhelming. And it’s important to address a significant misconception about the true frequency of any given effect.

Please remember, especially, that this checklist aggregates possible symptoms that can emerge (or not emerge) from antidepressant treatment. And when a side effect does emerge, it may often only emerge for a short time.

Other side effects, of course, can be for a longer duration too.

This is important to keep front of mind so this antidepressant side effect checklist is seen for what it is (“these might show up”) — and not over-interpreted as something it’s not (“this is what someone is going to experience on SSRI antidepressants”).

It’s well-known, of course, that side effects vary in frequency. What’s been less appreciated is how different estimates of these frequencies also vary considerably. For example, rates reported in clinical trials — often based on short durations and spontaneous reporting (“if you notice something happening, let the researcher know, okay?”) — tend to be lower, while studies using structured assessments or longer-term follow-up tend to find higher prevalence for various side effects.

For example, estimates of sexual dysfunction accompanying antidepressants range from 2-8% in company trial data, while more systematic research finds rates as high as 70%. Although that gap is especially dramatic, the difference between reported side effects observed in clinical trials and rates reported in real-world experience is consistently significant, as illustrated by this table below (ordered from smallest to largest difference):

As you can see, while some side effects — like tremors, nausea5, yawning and appetite changes — show somewhat similar rates across clinical trials and real-world reports, others differ substantially.6

2. Does this apply to teens?

A majority of these side effects in the checklist can occur in both adults and teens, who experience most of the same medication-related effects as older adults. That includes the core symptoms most commonly experienced: GI issues (nausea, appetite), sleep changes, fatigue, anxiety / agitation, and neurologic symptoms (tremor, restlessness).

Sexual side effects can also occur in teens, even those who are not sexually active. Some effects — especially restlessness, emotional changes, or disturbing thoughts — may be more noticeable and especially important to monitor in younger individuals. Teens also experience higher sensitivity to activation — meaning, they are more likely to experience agitation, restlessness, feeling “sped up” and behaviorally disinhibited.

This might explain why a risk of suicidal thoughts and emotional volatility is also higher for teens taking antidepressants (hence, the black box warning). This is especially true during initial treatment or when dosage is changed.

This may also explain why emotional and identity effects may be stronger for teens — e.g., feeling “not like myself,” emotional blunting and social/relational changes.

Two areas not included in the checklist

This tool does not attempt to be all things for all people, with two areas I’ve held off in including for now.

1. Pregnancy-specific changes.

There are several pregnancy-related adverse changes that can happen in expectant mothers taking antidepressants, as documented by independent studies and patient/consumer websites. Those include increased risk of postpartum bleeding, preterm birth (delivery before 37 weeks), miscarriage (also called “spontaneous abortion” in some studies), lower birth weight, and temporary newborn symptoms (irritability, jitteriness, feeding/sleep issues, mild respiratory distress).

Heart defects can also unfortunately occur, especially with Paxil in the first trimester, which resulted in a $1 billion settlement in 2010 that GlaxoSmithKline paid involving hundreds of affected families.

I’ve chosen not to include those in this checklist, because of its current length and because they would not apply to most people taking the survey. Here are the ten questions that could be added for the subset of women for whom they would apply:

Pregnancy-related changes

If you were pregnant while taking an antidepressant, or shortly after, did you notice any of the following? Note: these experiences can have many causes, including underlying health conditions or pregnancy-related factors.

1. Heavier than expected bleeding during or after delivery (postpartum bleeding) ☐ Yes ☐ No

2. Delivery earlier than expected (before 37 weeks) ☐ Yes ☐ No

3. Lower birth weight than expected ☐ Yes ☐ No

4. Pregnancy loss (miscarriage) ☐ Yes ☐ No

5. Newborn irritability, jitteriness, or unusual fussiness ☐ Yes ☐ No

6. Low blood sugar, low body temperature, or poor muscle tone in the newborn period ☐ Yes ☐ No

7. Feeding difficulties in the newborn period ☐ Yes ☐ No

8. Sleep difficulties or unusual sleep patterns in the newborn ☐ Yes ☐ No

9. Breathing difficulties or need for extra monitoring after birth ☐ Yes ☐ No

10. A diagnosed heart condition in the baby (especially if exposure occurred early in pregnancy) ☐ Yes ☐ No

2. Long-term changes

The majority of items represented in the checklist reflect the evidence arising from short-term research upon which FDA review is based. Drawing on the longer-term antidepressant outcome research available, another section could be added that addresses other changes over time in how people’s mood, recovery, and treatment experience evolve across years.

I’ve opted to not include these questions in the checklist as well, since there is relatively little known about the full extent of how treatment and biological effects evolve over time. But based on what we do know from available research, these questions below represent an accurate glimpse, generally speaking, of the longer-term trajectory of symptom and side effect evolution many people experience over time.

Long-term changes

Some people also notice longer-term changes in how their mood, recovery, and emotional experience evolve over time. Once again, these patterns may also be influenced by many other circumstances across a life trajectory.

1. Depressive episodes becoming more frequent or returning more quickly than before ☐ Yes ☐ No

2. Depressive periods lasting longer than in the past or feeling less able to return to your previous level of well-being after an episode ☐ Yes ☐ No

3. A more persistent, harder-to-change low mood (including between episodes) ☐ Yes ☐ No

4. Feeling more sensitive to stress or more easily triggered into low mood than before ☐ Yes ☐ No

5. Emotional range becoming more limited over time (even if initially helpful) ☐ Yes ☐ No

6. Feeling stuck at a partial level of improvement or that your emotional baseline has shifted in a way that feels harder to change ☐ Yes ☐ No

7. Feeling like your mood or functioning increasingly depends on continuing the medication ☐ Yes ☐ No

8. Medication becoming less effective over time (e.g., needing higher doses or initial benefits like relief, motivation, or emotional lift fading) ☐ Yes ☐ No

Still not so easy to tell!

With any serious exploration of antidepressant side effects, humility is called for — for many reasons. First of all, the effect of any particular medication is expected to change over time, especially with dosage adjustments.

Second, our emotions can be naturally influenced from many different sources. And it’s naturally easy, when reading a list like this, to see oneself in many items. But that doesn’t mean all the changes apply or are medication-related.

Depression itself, as highlighted above, can also generate many difficult emotional effects. This creates a three-way ambiguity, with a given symptom potentially arising from the condition, the treatment, or the process of coming off the treatment.

Bottom line: even when an association exists, it’s difficult to say for sure what arises from what.

Obviously, correlation is not causation. Yet that doesn’t dismiss the value of correlations, which can teach us a lot — as long as we approach them in the right light.

Similar to the FIBSER (Frequency, Intensity, Burden of Side Effects Rating), we might also ask: how confident should any of us feel about whether a particular change is connected to antidepressant treatment, compared with something else?

One of the clearest ways to tell whether a medication has been contributing to any of these side effects is to make an adjustment (with appropriate supervision), and then observe whether the specific side effect changes — asking specifically:

• Does the effect get worse after a dosage increase?

• Does it improve after a dosage decrease or tapering?

These are challenging questions. So, let’s be humble. But we should also be serious. If a medication were making life harder, would we recognize it?

Above all, remember that awareness doesn’t require urgency. It simply opens the door to more informed and thoughtful decisions — made at the right pace, with the right support.

Notes:

Illustration by our wonderful neighbor, Jerika Anderson

I’m sympathetic to those who hear talk of eternity or resurrection or atonement … and start to feel like they’re dealing with abstractions — something far removed from the daily realities of life.

I used to feel more that way too, until the agony of life finally found me — the despair, the darkness and especially the death.

All of a sudden, life after death became as concrete as the little girl I was no longer holding in my arms. And resurrection, rather than centering mostly around ancient, miraculous stories, also became about dreamed-of future days with our Emma — pushing her on the swings one day, right next to her sister Olivia.

Both healthy, happy, seeing, laughing and free of pain and seizures (a future where wrongs are made right, and as Joseph Smith told a grieving mother in 1854: “You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit” — with other mothers who had lost children likewise reporting “he told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers.”)

This means a lot to us, because unless we’re given an unforgettable miracle, our daughter Olivia is not expected to live long. But our hope isn’t resting in any particular outcome — just as it isn’t dependent on brighter days we believe are coming in the future.

Christmas Day, 2025

A future to smile about

Don’t get me wrong: that future really does mean so much to us. It’s something we glimpse in the sweet moments that come and go in our own home (“Heaven is Christmas that doesn’t end”).

As a boy, I remember getting choked up watching that scene from “Field of Dreams” when Ray met his father as a young man. Now, though, it’s what happens next that I love even more.

When grown-up Ray asks his young-again-dad in “perfect form” (like all our loved ones will one day be): “Is there a heaven?”

“Oh yeah — it’s the place dreams come true.”

And then they throw a baseball together. When I see my brother Sam again — at that incredible family party of all parties — I’m totally planning to ask him to shoot some hoops with my boys.

No matter what hard things hit our family and our country in the days ahead, this bright future is a big part of why I’m hopeful, peaceful and happy. The “best really is yet to be!”

The source of my smile

But that future is not the only reason I feel hope. Because, once again, my faith rests on something more than an outcome — whether that’s how Olivia is doing now or in some glorious future.

My hope rests on the being of a person who rose from the grave a few years shy of 2,000 years ago — Someone I have felt personally thousands of times in my life: through staggering peace. Sweet joy. And incredible love… the kind that cannot be explained away as somehow coming from my own head and heart.

“If Christ had not come into the world … there could have been no redemption,” Abinadi taught in ancient America. “And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or (had) broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection” (here, he cites the prophet Hosea who lived 500 years earlier).

But then this man in chains before a wicked king shared what’s on my heart this morning too: “But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.”

“He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.”

This echoes what Christ said about himself when he came into the world — reassuring Martha as she grieved her brother’s death: “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.”

“Believest thou this?” Jesus then asks.

I do! Some wonderful people in my life don’t. But I do.

That’s where my hope is anchored. That’s why I relish the beautiful song that goes, “He lives to silence all my fears, He lives to wipe away my tears, He lives to calm my troubled heart…”

And till the day I die, I’ll also sing, “I believe in Christ; he stands supreme! From him I’ll gain my fondest dream; And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: ‘Ye shall obtain.’ I believe in Christ; so come what may, With him I’ll stand in that great day.”

No song better captures my excitement about that future day of resurrection than “I Will Rise,” by Evangelical artist Chris Tomlin (notice the swelling chorus of angels near the end, joining the celebration).

One day, those unforgettable reunions will happen — finally together at Christmas and every other day.

For now, Emma gets to celebrate Easter with Sam and Mary, Mom and all my cherished grandparents. I’m certain they are not far — not at all (“Angels all around us”).

We’ve felt the sweet spirit of Emma very close lately, as Olivia continues to face so much.

But that’s the thing: we’re fine. We’re good. We have a peace that goes beyond anything that makes sense.

And you can have that too. Dismiss the loud and angry voices, and those dripping with grievance or total cynicism. And listen to the quieter, sweeter, truer voice(s) — especially that “still voice of perfect mildness” that will tell you what’s really true and good and beautiful.

Don’t trust anyone else to tell you the truth about reality!

That way, you’ll be able to smile, no matter what. And when things get uglier and sadder in America (or your own life and home), you can close your eyes and remember what’s coming.

It’s going to be good — so good. And we don’t have to wait till that future comes to relish it! As the angel told King Benjamin, if we receive the message prophets have shared from the beginning, and continue to today, we can “rejoice with exceedingly great joy, even as though (Christ) had already come among them.”

As we remember all our loved ones who have gone before us, we can say like Juba says in Gladiator about his friend Maximus: “I will see you again…but not yet!”

What you’re about to read represents a single story, and should not be read as constituting medical advice. Everyone is different, and it’s always best to follow your own deepest sense and intuition, in counsel with family and professionals you trust.

My friend Jake began his Latter-day Saint mission five months after COVID lockdowns were implemented. While sharing the gospel is soul-stretching in the best of circumstances, pandemic restrictions added unique emotional strain: no approaching anyone in public, 15 minute restrictions on in-person interactions, and many hours of daily online interaction.

What made this more emotionally “grueling,” Jake told me, was an early companion who was abrasive and unkind — and who ignored important rules, which put this new missionary in uncomfortable situations.

This is precisely where it may have been helpful to reach out to other mission leaders, who I hope would have been eager to support. Yet Jake didn’t feel comfortable doing so. “For the first time in my life, my mental health began to crater,” he said.

After a great new companion offered him a “breath of fresh air,” Jake was then paired with someone else who “thrived on conflict” — generating “constant tension” that sent him over the edge physically, prompting significant weight loss and stress-induced vomiting.

The continued stress left his nervous system on “high alert,” Jake recalled. Mission numbers weren’t measuring up, and he described working with his companion to be creative in using their time well every day.

Jake remembers feeling “constantly exhausted from it all” — especially by “so much stress.”

When medical tests showed nothing physically wrong, he took a mental health evaluation that highlighted “anxious tendencies.”

Jake tried various things to help “calm his nerves” throughout his mission — from weighted blankets to cold showers — which “helped a little.”

Yet over the coming months, these emotional struggles worsened due to continued isolation and interpersonal conflict, combined with a sincere desire to “do the right thing” as a committed missionary, while being unsure whether or not he was.

Little things began to set him on edge — at one point, he remembers crying almost every day. Even with significant efforts to get feeling better, Jake felt discouraged to still be really struggling — thinking, “I’ve done everything and nothing is working!”

A new solution?

“Tell me a little bit about yourself — tell me why we’re meeting here today,” the new mission therapist shared with him on a Zoom call.

After Jake explained for a few minutes what he was struggling with, the therapist shared how she had read over his surveys and files and had spoken with the mission president as well: “It definitely sounds like you have depression and anxiety.”

Jake was told they had decided it would be best if he went on medication — a step she said they had prayed about and all felt good about. Additionally, they were recommending that he meet weekly with this therapist.

After being “desperate to feel any better,” Jake remembers feeling hopeful that medication may be able to “fix” the problem. Yet when he called his parents regarding the plan, they tried to pump the brakes a little: “Gosh, this seems so quick, Jake. Maybe we should think about this more and look at all our options?”

When his mom and dad said, “This is only one answer. Have we not looked into anything else?” Jake remembers responding: “They told me that they prayed about it and they told me that this is the right answer.”

The confidence these leaders had in sharing these recommendations mattered to him— all of them feeling assured this treatment would make a meaningful difference. Jake decided his parents simply didn’t really understand “what’s going on” with mental health problems generally.

Jake was quick to add that his parents remained an incredible support to him throughout his mission — describing how their constant communication offered a “solid foundation” for the ups and downs of his whole experience.

‘This will fix it’

Jake had seen medication make a difference for some other people — and for the first time, he felt like this was a “real answer.”

“I just remember being so desperate to not be stressed and sad anymore,” Jake recalled, thinking at the time: “This is the only way to fix this. There are no other options lying down in front of me.”

Jake has no memory of the treatment risks ever being explained to him. “I was not really told any of the risks … I was just told this is what will fix it.”

“Once I finally got some sliver of hope, I just ran with it,” Jake said, reiterating: “This is what everyone keeps telling me is the right way to go about this.”

Other sisters in the office were especially kind to him during this time, he said, helping him “feel the love of Christ.” Together, they even decorated a pillbox to make the experience feel “fun.”

‘I don’t feel good’

As Jake started the medication, however, he didn’t feel so great. Fatigue had been part of his experience before — with stress building up until it felt like he had “shut down” for a period.

Eventually, he would feel enough energy to pick himself back up again. But when he started taking the medication, Jake said he “lost all energy” and was in a state that felt consistently “zero energy,” with less breaks or bouncing back: “I would wake up tired, I would go throughout the day tired, and I would go to bed tired.”

“I couldn’t wake up before 9:00 a.m.,” Jake recalled. He kept meeting with the therapist — telling her: “hey, I don’t feel good. I don’t have any energy. I still feel awful.”

Although Jake wasn’t feeling the same sadness and stress after starting the medication, he described earlier discomfort morphing into something else: “I was so numb: no emotion or feeling, just kind of blank.”

“I would feel these things, but they wouldn’t stick. I wouldn’t care — but I would still care at the same time. I was just there — but still in it. Things felt gross,” he said.

Feeling worse, taking more

When his mental health support team found out he was feeling worse, Jake said they recommended that he increase the dosage.

The original plan had been to slowly increase the dosage over a period of months, but given how poorly he was feeling, they ended up raising the level to the full prescribed dosage over 3 weeks.

Pretty soon, Jake recalled having “zero energy — I couldn’t get out of bed.”

That’s when he started to notice several other uncharacteristic side effects. Jake started noticing gaps in his memory — where his companion would remind him of a visit or conversation he had no recollection of.

Jake also described more unusual emotional numbness, feeling generally “out of it.” He said, “I literally had zero emotion,” he said. “I felt absolutely nothing.”

“I kept telling the therapist, ‘I don’t think that this is working,’” he recollected. “And she would tell me to keep upping it.” Once he reached the maximum dosage allowed, the medical team turned to some recommended vitamins, such as B12.

“It got to the point where I had like this pill case with my meds and about six or seven other supplements that I was taking that she had recommended to me.”

“And I kept, just, not feeling good,” he said.

‘Feeling like a ghost’

After Jake returned home, he stayed on the antidepressant (Prozac). He assumed the medication was important to continue for his basic emotional well-being.

But he continued to feel poorly. His “zero energy” fatigue continued — struggling to get out of bed. At the family business where he worked, Jake was supposed to be there by 10 a.m., but he would miss shifts sleeping in until 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

Relationships were affected too, he said, as family members got more confused and concerned — asking: “what is wrong? What are we going to do?”

“I was not feeling great, I was constantly sick and tired,” he remembers — recalling a different doctor appointment each week, which included treatments to try to get his energy back through additional medication.

This made it “really hard to sleep and calm my brain down,” he recalls. “Like my brain wouldn’t stop” — which seemed to contribute to an increasingly “constant state of anxiousness.”

This prompted additional medications to “try to help put me to sleep.”

When Jake struggled to wake up, they tried to find another medication to help him “wake up.”

Eventually, his doctor said he had a “problem with turning his brain off” — and suggested that he consider an antipsychotic to help, in small amounts.

“It will kind of be like your brain is turned off,” his doctor cautioned.

“I remember I would cut my pill — a little baby pill — and I would cut it into fourths, and I would ingest that piece and I would lay in bed and it was like someone had switched off consciousness. It was one of the craziest feelings.”

“I remember staring into space, my mind completely blank, feeling like a ghost.”

‘I didn’t used to be this way’

Jake found himself getting angry at everything that had happened to him — especially when he compared it to back when he had felt better. “I’d never been like this in my life,” he remembers thinking.

“How did I get here? When did this start?”

Although he had struggled with stress and anxiety on his mission, Jake realized the feelings of hopelessness and heaviness had emerged later.

“I was like, ‘where did this start?’ … it was once I started all of these medications.”

‘I’m done’

At a doctor’s appointment, Jake recalls struggling to remember when to take each pill. “All the stuff had been bubbling and bubbling, and things were getting worse and worse, and worse,” he said, to where he finally reached a “breaking point.”

That’s when he remembered looking at his family doctor — this trusted support who had filled out his papers to help him get into the mission field — and telling him: “I’m done — I can’t keep doing this.”

“I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired,” Jake remembers saying. ”I cannot keep doing this because it’s obviously not working.”

Jake had only been on the medications for six months, so he and the doctor felt it was safe enough to stop the medication without tapering [note: going slow is almost always the best way].

His doctor responded, “yeah, maybe we just kind of stop. We’ve tried all these different things — nothing seems to be working. Everything just kind of seems to be making things worse.”

“Why don’t we just kind of stop for a while and see how your body reacts,” this physician said.

‘Slowly the fog lifted’

Jake still struggled with energy for the first couple of weeks — and said it took about a month and a half to “get myself out of it.”

In our interview, he twice said that the best way to describe this experience afterward was like an “unthawing” or “de-thawing,” where “I slowly remember gaining consciousness.”

“Slowly, the fog lifted,” he said.

“I had been in such a deep hole with just everything,” Jake said, emphasizing how low his mood had been. And after stopping the medications, he described how he stopped getting into that darker place.

It wasn’t easy, and there were stressful times when he’d “kind of nosedive,” Jake noted. But overall, “I was slowly waking up and gaining my energy back.”

Finally, it got to a point where one day, Jake remembers saying: “oh my gosh, I feel normal again. Like, I don’t feel exhausted 24/7 and I am starting to feel these emotions again.”

His mood, he said, “just like crazy improved — like I wasn’t as sad anymore.”

Jake is quick to acknowledge the benefits he’s seen others receive from medication. But for him, he said that going off the medication was “one of the best decisions I’ve made.”

Looking back, Jake also learned some other things: “Maybe this isn’t the chronic condition I was told it was,” he remembers thinking. “Maybe it was more situational.”

“I’m learning now that I wasn’t crazy, and that there are many paths to healing.”

Today, Jake still feels some frustration about what happened — both towards his unhealthy companionships in the mission field and how quickly he was encouraged to start medication.

In retrospect, he feels like there was too much hurry to try and fix the problem quickly. But now, Jake is looking forward to what the future holds. He’s training to be a counselor himself — and he is grateful for the growth and lessons he’s gained through these experiences.

Two notes:

• This story cannot be syndicated or excerpted without written permission. I felt a trust by Jake to be able to publish his experience — and want to make sure it’s shared in a way that invites more awareness and thoughtful conversation about mental health and faith — ensuring that the story is not used in any other way.

• If you decide it’s right to begin tapering off any medication, that should ideally be done with the supervision of a medical professional — and very gradually and carefully (at 10% decrements, according to best practice). If you’re on multiple medications, the tapering usually needs to be one medication at a time — never all at once and certainly not “cold turkey,” which can be dangerous. Too often, even professionals believe a psychiatric medication can be discontinued quickly (“let’s cut the dose in half”), which can inadvertently lead to withdrawal effects significant enough to convince someone that getting of the medication is impossible.

I love Superman — though not as much as my good neighbor Dennis, with Superman painted on the hood of his awesome car. Ever since I first saw a caped Christopher Reeve saving the boy who was falling into Niagara Falls, this secular Savior-like figure has fascinated me.

In last year’s block-buster Superman movie, the centerpiece of the movie’s tension wasn’t the Kryptonite that almost finished the hero off. It wasn’t the Ultraman or gigantic kaiju monster he had to fight. And it wasn’t even the squirrel or dog the Man of Steel saved from certain squashedness.

Instead, it was the brilliant PR campaign Lex Luthor instigated to take pieces of uncomfortable truth about Superman’s life and use them to paint a darkly distorted picture of America’s hero of heroes as someone who was (if you really understand the truth about him) actually morally suspect, power-hungry and a legitimate threat to the American public, despite all his apparent niceness and goodness.

This isn’t simply a movie plot, however. It’s happening in real life, all around us … to many genuinely good causes, organizations and people.

‘Scary Superman’

On the face of it, it’s pretty obvious Superman is always good. Just look at everyone he saves!

But alas, a new historical tidbit has emerged in the 2025 James Gunn production, hinting at a sordid sexual scandal. Lex Luthor pounces, leveraging that information with the PR genius of a blood-thirsty corporation when a leak of its competitor reveals something unflattering.

The Metropolis media are all too ready to go along with Luthor’s hijinks. “Can’t say I’m surprised, Cleavis,” says a lower-level, wannabe superhero on a news program. “It’s guys like this, they always got a whole bunch of dark, ugly secrets.”

Like a bull led by the nose, thought leaders follow the polished Lex Luthor wherever he wants to take them.

Hating Superman

Along with all the lofty language about higher causes, viewers witness the deeper motivations behind Luthor’s deceptive, mean-spirited portrayal of Superman —especially the moment he declares his spite for a being he calls “it.”

“A thing with a cocky grin and a stupid outfit — that’s somehow become the focal point of the entire world’s conversation,” he says, continuing to describe Superman. “Nothing’s felt right since he showed up.”

My boys groan when I try applying movies to real life. But if you’ll indulge me, I couldn’t stop thinking about other examples of people doing great work, but getting smeared-and-spun into something unrecognizably awful.

Do you see that happening anywhere around you right now?

Those ‘scary’ people of faith

I sure do. It’s just so easy to do: taking pieces of uncomfortable truth to fashion an unflattering and deceptive picture of something deeply, ultimately, fundamentally good.

That’s not just a Rita Skeeter-Harry Potter thing. In fact, almost everything I consider truly beautiful and deeply good in the world, has been portrayed — in one way or another — as dangerous, reckless and something to be kept at arm’s length.

That includes dialogue, mindfulness and complementary/alternative approaches to healing — all of which have been framed in darkly suspicious tones. And then, of course, there’s my faith.

This movie came to mind when spotting yet another media spectacle criticizing the Church of Jesus Christ — this time, a Bravo series led by a former Latter-day Saint who had previously starred in “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” Heather Gay.

Given all the petty drama and childish feuds that make a show like “Real Housewives” famous, one would think that Gay might show a little public contrition —especially for the way she speaks so spitefully about her former family of faith.

But instead, this woman has doubled down — going all-in in denigrating her former faith with a calumnious assemblage of different people grinding an axe against my faith — all of which is presented as definitive evidence of how appalling the church is, so much so that it’s something to be “survived.”

If a Bravo hit-piece is your barometer of truth, that probably settles it.

‘By their fruits’

But maybe you’re someone who wants something more before reaching a conclusion about truth. Maybe you’re not satisfied that reality TV stars really offer you the best glimpses of the full truth.

That would be a good call. It’s smart to be careful who we trust to tell the truth about reality.

In the end, I believe the truth of everything comes out — including for Superman.

At the close of the movie, a news broadcaster proclaims: “We all owe Superman an enormous apology. He is, of course, the hero we always thought he was.”1

But in that earlier darker moment, when he’d been smeared before the whole world, Clark Kent got some great advice from his simple, loving father.

“I’ll tell you something, son...Your choices, Clark. Your actions ... that’s what makes you who you are.”

That’s true for all good things.

• It’s not what the loudest voices say about you online.

• It’s not what overall public opinion says about you either.

• It’s about how you live, what you say, and the good you bring into the world —aka, “your fruits.”

“Ye shall know them by their fruits,” Jesus famously said. “Every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.”

Watch the fruits. And the whole picture.

Along with people who are trustworthy in their interpretations of reality.

That way, you’ll see light and goodness for what it is — and be able to dismiss those trying to persuade you otherwise.

April, 2025 cover of Rolling Stone 

Benson Boone is a “big deal” by at least two important metrics. First, this Grammy-nominated musician had the most-streamed song in the world in 2024, with 2 billion total streams by early 2025.

Second, every girl in my wife’s church group knows his music. What these 8-10-year-old girls may not know is Benson used to identify as Latter-day Saint, just like they do.

But something made him step away … or rather, a perceived lack of something. In a March 2025 interview, Benson Boone told Brian Hiatt with Rolling Stone, “Growing up, a lot of people at church would talk about these experiences that they’ve had and these personal revelations and feelings.”

But he then explained that, as a young teenager, he hadn’t had spiritual experiences like the ones others described - at least none he recognized: “I never felt it as physically present as they did, and so I was always confused and frustrated,” he said.

Then, Boone added: “I was always scared to bring that up to people because I just didn’t want to accept that, like, I wasn’t feeling what everyone else was feeling.”

Not ‘feeling what everyone else was feeling…’

I asked my boys the other day at dinner, “what would happen if you were praying and reading your scriptures regularly, but started thinking ‘hey, I’m not feeling a whole lot?’ What would you do next?”

It’s probably pretty typical for people to take a moment like this as some definitive indicator of reality - maybe a natural way anyone responds to a particular emotional state:

• “I’m feeling horribly sad … that means my life and the world are just so dreary.”

• “I’m so scared inside … so obviously my life and the world are intolerably fearful.”

• “I’m feeling drawn to that person or experience or substance … so therefore my happiness depends on getting it.”

• “I’m not feeling the attraction in this relationship … so I think maybe we’re just not good for each other?”

In every case, of course, we could respond differently - seeing each state as something we are experiencing - and not as a definitive representation of “who we are” or our reality as a whole.

From that stance, we could then work with our unsatisfying or uncomfortable experiences in creative and patient ways: watching, waiting and nourishing a new kind of experience to emerge.

In simpler terms, this is what came out of our conversation as a family:

“I’d keep praying,” one of my sons said, in response to my question about hypothetically facing the same experience as Benson.

A cloud of witnesses

My son’s simple faith represents well the wisdom of Christian believers across ages. For instance, a beloved Spanish priest from the 16th century, Ignatius of Loyola taught, “Seek God in dryness. Faithfulness in prayer when you feel nothing is more pleasing to God than prayer in consolation.”

And St. John of the Cross wrote, “In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God.”

More recently, Catholic contemplative Thomas Merton writes, “the soul that is faithful to God will go on believing even when God seems absent.”

And in our tradition, former President Russell M. Nelson of the Church of Jesus Christ encouraged us to “exercise faith and trust in the Lord even when heaven seems silent.”

“If you are doing your best and still feel nothing, do not be discouraged,” likewise taught Elder Neal A. Maxwell. “God honors faith that persists in the absence of immediate evidence.”

“Even when God seems distant,” said Elder David A. Bednar more recently, “He is closer than we think.”

And one of my favorites comes from President Jeffrey R. Holland: “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Feelings, and words, and experiences

It’s true that Latter-day Saints relish the sweetness of spiritual communion, especially the “fruits” Paul taught the Galatians help us identify God’s presence: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

In one of my favorite Book of Mormon passages, a people in a state of great fear hear the voice of God: “And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.”

But our basis for God’s reality certainly go beyond feelings. “Feelings come and go,” Martin Luther famously said, before encouraging attention to the actual text of scripture: “My warrant is the Word of God.”

Words and feelings eventually translate into actual experiences that we can identify as further evidence - including, yes, experiences saturated with unexpected emotion. For instance, a peace that goes beyond our normal understanding - or a joy that takes our breath away - these have been signs of higher realities in my life.

Yet rather than trying to “figure it out” or forcing an experience through extreme religiosity, this is also about patience, gentleness and space. “The quieter you become, the more you can hear,” taught spiritual teacher Ram Dass.

Staying and seeking

In practice, this might simply mean sticking with it - and not just running off when you’re not “feeling what you’re supposed to” in a marriage, or a friendship - or a faith. “Sometimes the most powerful prayer is simply staying,” says American author Anne Lamott.

All this is what I hope for my boys. That they will keep digging deeper when their well of faith seems dry. Rather than an experience Christians have, I would say this kind of faith test is fairly universal across anyone seeking to follow Christ. (I can’t help but think my friends of other faiths would say something similar).

For us, the end result of all this is captured beautifully in a divine message given to Jeremiah: “Ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”

Seeking. Staying. Quieting. Studying. Persisting. Hoping. Trusting. Seeking. Believing.

All this is a wise and wonderful way to respond to a “lack of feeling” - whether in a family or a faith.

But it’s not what Benson did.

Instead, according to the Rolling Stone interview, he eventually shared his disappointment in not feeling more spiritually with a friend, who replied, “Thank goodness. I feel the same way.”

And just like that, further opportunities to go deeper can get short-circuited - e.g., “well, this isn’t working for me. I’m done.”

But that’s not how it has to go. In a moment, you can be digging deeper spiritually again - and reaching higher.

As Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz both say in a movie I’ve never seen: “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”

That’s true for my boys - and for world-famous musicians.

Keep listening, Benson Boone.

Do you have an early memory of young, sweet attraction that was reciprocated? Many do, although not everyone. If you do, you know the exhilaration and purity of that moment.

In a secularizing, sexualizing society where romance is increasingly equated with physical hunger and bodily lust, this—I think—is so important to remember: Romance in its simplest and truest form is pure and sweet….the kind that captures minds and hearts in middle/high school—illustrated by the lovely story of Drake and Ann Maye’s sweet romance that I wrote about for Deseret News this week.

Then there’s the 80-something couple sitting on the back row at Church that can’t stop talking about how much they love each other. We’ve all seen these cute couples as well—at every age of life.

Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash (the photographer’s parents, taken Christmas 2017)

In between those sweet moments—somewhere along the line—beautiful romance can be undermined, subverted, gutted and killed. But, how?

That’s the question I’ve been pondering for twenty years now, ever since interviewing people for my first book in 2013, “Once upon a time, he wasn’t feeling it anymore.” I heard stories over and over about rapidly evaporating sweetness:

• “Initially, I felt a crush and attracted … but there would come a point where I just felt nothing anymore; I just had no affection for the person. They were just like anyone else.”

• “After two to three months, my heart would start to dry up toward that person. I would let her down as gently as I could.”

• “My affection would die over time after the initial excitement of dating someone wore off. I have suddenly changed a number of times.”

• “I broke up with a wonderful girl three times because the bubbling feeling had faded.”

• “We date, things are great, we’re happy, good to go—then it just drops off.”

• “It was always super exciting and butterflies and fireworks—and always around six months, he would lose interest. And I would get clingy and try to convince him to stay.”

Notice that none of these are a long-term process. Each happens with stunning rapidity—so much so, the couple also seems disoriented and surprised.

No wonder so many people are turned off from dating, with only 30% of young people expressing interest, according to research we reported this week at Deseret News.

A similar confusion happens to married couples who knelt across the altar from each other, genuinely excited and drawn to each other …. only to feel deeply estranged within a matter of years or even months.

But, once again, why?

An impossible story of romance

In my book, I proposed that many young (and old) people were embracing a story about romance that was effectively killing the very love they cared so much about…by overloading the relationship with inhuman, otherworldly expectations and demands.

As philosopher Simon May at King’s College in London puts it: “We expect love to be a ... journey for the soul, a final source of meaning and freedom ... a key to the problem of identity, a solace in the face of rootlessness ... a redemption from suffering, and a promise of eternity. Or all of these at once. In short: love is being overloaded.”

By requiring love to reflect “superhuman qualities,” May continues, we force relationships to “labor under intolerable expectations,” ultimately “demanding from the loved one far more than they can possibly be.”

By the way, although it’s a bit dated, you’re welcome to download a copy of this book’s PDF for free here:

Once Upon A Time, He Wasn't Feeling It Anymore

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(A condensed version of the book’s themes is also available here: ​”What’s Hijacking So Many Beautiful Relationships?”)

Once again, it’s not just dating relationships that are getting overloaded. Historian Stephanie Coontz likewise describes “unprecedented goals for marriage”—saying, “Never before in history had societies thought that such a set of high expectations about marriage was either realistic or desirable.”

In addition to expecting otherworldly emotion, many couples sincerely believe this feeling should always be there. As one writer says, that “if human love ever wanes, then it wasn’t love in the first place.” In one study of romantic beliefs, 65% of people reported believing that “the intense passion of the first stages, if it is real, will last, or it should last, forever.”

A more honest and healthy story of romance

The truth, as emphasized by renowned author M. Scott Peck, is that “No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.”

Listen to that carefully: “Always passes.” That’s true for Brad and Angelina. And for you, too. There are many influences on ebbing romantic feelings, ranging from stress and trauma, to medications and health conditions.

The real question is what you’re going to do next. For starters, don’t panic. A moment of feeling less romantic excitement can be uniquely challenging—even terrifying—for both dating and married couples today.

So, if that happens for you, and you’re “not feeling it anymore,” hold on.

The good news is you don’t have to approach evolutions in romantic attachment as a crisis or tragedy. Instead, try approaching a softening of feelings as another opportunity to show love. That’s exactly what Dr. Scott Peck suggests: “It is when a couple falls out of love [that] they may begin to really love. ... True love happens after the love starts to fade.”

Inspired by Jay Leno

Jay Leno’s the kind of guy that has the money and status to do whatever he wants. But when his wife of 45 years got dementia, he said, “I like taking care of her. I enjoy her company, and we have a good time... That’s really what love is. That’s what you do,”

“When you get married, you sort of take a vow: ‘Will I live up to this?” he said in an interview.

I’m inspired by Leno—just as I was watching my father and grandfather take care of their sweethearts amidst cancer and strokes, with even more tenderness. We need these examples of true love, as my friend Alan Hawkins reminded people in his lovely article, “Let your marital light shine: A call to cute old married couples everywhere”

Lovely image by my colleague Michelle Budge at Deseret News

Needing something more?

Although we all need good examples and better narratives, I’m persuaded we all need something more. That alone won’t be enough to lift people out of deep woundedness and heartache.

There’s something deeper needed, as reflected in this lovely Casting Crowns video:

Many couples have found, as reflected in the group Recovery Couples Anonymous, that without a higher power interceding in their relationship, they can’t be delivered from the bondage they are experiencing together.

Terry Warner’s clear and effective description of “collusion” between couples, and guidance on how to shift out of resentment and a “heart at war” towards a “heart at peace” is also incredibly helpful, outlined in “Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationship, Coming to Ourselves”:

Ten questions to honestly ask yourself

The sad reality is that many beautiful couples with enormous possibilities for future happiness are being sideswiped—overwhelmed by the belief (and demand) that they’re supposed to feel more right now. If that describes you, it’s crucial to ask yourself some questions:

1. Have you ever felt your own marriage or dating relationships weighed down by these kinds of heavy expectations?

2. Where did you learn what romance is supposed to feel like?

3. Do you believe that if passion fades, something must be wrong?

4. Have you ever expected one person to meet needs that used to be met by community, faith, or family?

5. What story of romance are you living inside? And is that story helping your love grow — or hollowing it out?

6. How do you think that relationships could be different if those expectations and demands were lifted?

7. Have you ever—now or in the past—experienced a shift in your own feelings of attraction or romantic excitement toward someone you love? If so, were you able to approach that with wisdom and patience—or were you tempted to do something more drastic and dire?

8. Are you prepared for the fact that even the best love stories will include seasons of quiet?

9. What if real romance isn’t found in constant intensity, but in chosen devotion? When the fireworks fade, will you run—or will you build?

10. What if the sweetness of early romance isn’t meant to be sustained at the same pitch—but deepened into something quieter, steadier, and more resilient?

Above all, stay hopeful in the possibility of sweet love returning powerfully

Each Valentine’s Day, we have a tradition of showing our boys a movie that captures beautiful and healthy romance (prompted by those years when they were “disgusted by girls!”)

This year, we read the scriptural description of “true love” or charity that “suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”

Then, we showed them this older movie with Katherine Heigl, “Love Comes Softly,” (available for free below), still one of the most beautiful depictions of true love that grows over time:

I’d also recommend, “The Painted Veil” as an illustration of a marriage healing from a wound of deep betrayal (be ready for a brief scene at the beginning that’s illustrating the false excitement of the wife’s early betrayal). Such a beautiful movie!

Bottom line: Don’t let prevailing, popular, seductive narratives of love and romance set the terms for your relationship. Unless there is genuine abuse taking place, don’t allow them to push you around and bully you into giving up.

Stay hopeful for miracles that can still happen, and reach for people who can help you find that, including the Living God who’s surely rooting for you too more than anyone else.

This commentary was published in Deseret News and Yahoo News on Friday night, Feb. 6, “The Super Bowl is a thrilling spectacle. Here’s why I skip it.” I wanted to share it here, along with several bolded additions and some photos that I didn’t share in the original version.

In the 2015 movie “Concussion,” the character Dr. Cyril Wecht says, “The NFL owns a day of the week. The same day the church used to own. Now it’s theirs.”

Only it’s not that way for everyone. Utah grandfather Ted Barley recalled watching the first Super Bowl in 1967. As a teenage boy watching with his father, he cheered Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers, led by Bart Starr, to victory over the Kansas City Chiefs.

Barley has enjoyed the big game many times since, “especially for the commercials,” he admits. But something shifted for him more recently.

“A few years ago, I just decided this wasn’t the best use of the Sabbath,” Barley told me — concluding that football wouldn’t be a part of his Sundays anymore as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I’ll never forget where I was as a teenager when the Denver Broncos played the San Francisco 49ers in the 1990 Super Bowl. Living in the NFL desert of Utah, sheer geographic proximity forced us to pick between John Elway’s squad and the mighty Joe Montana and Jerry Rice.

But our family would not be tuning in. Mom had made other plans, arranging a Sunday night visit to a nursing home. As we walked down those hallways with uncomfortable smells, my brother and I craned our necks to catch a glimpse of the score as it played loudly for residents.

A scene like this might be a great opening for the latest tell-all memoir of a sadly deprived childhood within a home of high religious expectations. But that’s not my argument at all.

It’s precisely the chance to hold to a boundary like this, on a day “unlike all other” days, that I’ve found to be so good for my soul. So much so that I’m making my best pitch today for why you might consider opting out of this weekend’s garish cultural extravaganza entirely.

The Super Bowl cultural conversation

Most prominent arguments for skipping the Super Bowl, of course, cite any of the various sociopolitical complaints sparking calls for boycott in our hyperpolarized times. Those center especially on the political shtick of certain halftime performers.

Other conservative family groups have taken issue with perceived dark, occult and sexually explicit symbolism around certain halftime performances — ranging from 2020 graphic pole dancing by Shakira and Jennifer Lopez to Bruno Mars singing “your sex takes me to paradise” in 2014 or Katy Perry twerking with Lenny Kravitz in 2015. Then there are all those GoDaddy, Carl’s Jr. and Victoria’s Secret ads.

“More than any other event on the planet,” writes Matthew S. Vos, a professor of sociology at Covenant College, the Super Bowl “draws together consumerism, eroticism, entertainment, gambling, violence ... celebrity, and heady nationalism into a liturgical expression that has captured our hearts and minds like no other.”

Believers “promote it as a public good worthy of a perennial spot on the church calendar. Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, and Super Bowl Sunday,” the Christian scholar continues.

“When we momentarily turn away from an eroticized half-time performance, mute a commercial that ventures a bit too far into the profane, or gloss over (other details) that stand at odds with our faith and theologies,” Vos suggests “we sanitize the event just enough to make it palatable.”

Diverse families of faith

While all these are worthy conversations to have, my argument is far simpler. Although I enjoy a good football game like the next American, in 48 years of life, I’ve never watched the Super Bowl — or any Sunday football, mostly because that’s not what this day is for, according to many Christian traditions.

That’s what my father taught me, at least, from watching him never turn on Sunday football in all the years of my childhood (after enjoying plenty of great Saturday BYU football games). But on Sunday, Dad and Mom kept turning our attention somewhere else as a family.

When some of my friends regaled us with exciting stories about the big game the next day at school, I did sometimes feel left out. But I also sensed they might be left out of something I got to be a part of.

Sundays in the Hess home growing up

And what was that? A family practice that put something and someone else above the astronomical popularity of the game — symbolized by a line we refused to cross as a family.

I’ll pause here to say that I know plenty of God-fearing friends who draw different lines for their families — and I respect that. I have so many friends who see this as a wonderful chance to gather their families.

Also, some of those commercials are brilliant and often inspiring, like the “He Gets Us” series debuting in 2022 and featured again this year in their Super Bowl spot “More.”

So, this isn’t about getting judgy. If anything, the cultural judgment comes down harder on families who opt out of the guac and chip festivities.

Sabbath as retreat

Later in my life, I had to choose for myself what to do outside of my parents’ gaze. During college, I didn’t like Sunday being just another study day, and enjoyed the emotional break of preserving the day as something special, even if I had to stay up late Saturday and get up early Monday morning. I did so well academically that I ended up becoming a college valedictorian and getting admitted to my dream graduate program at the University of Illinois.

Sunday became an emotional refuge for me — a time I was allowed to mentally lay everything else aside, so I could make space for what felt most important. For me, at least, if I don’t have space enough for real stillness and quiet, my connection to God gets flat and I start to feel so distant.

As a young father, exhausted with young children, my wife and I found ways to make the Sabbath more of a mini-retreat for our little family — something Carrie Skarda and I ended up writing about in our books about mindfulness for Latter-day Saints.

This “delightful” Sabbath goes well beyond ‘whatever sounds like fun’ — that is, “not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words” (Isaiah 58:13 ASV).

For those who “stop doing and saying whatever you please on this special day,” Isaiah makes clear that something truly profound can begin to shift inside: “You will truly enjoy knowing the LORD” (CEV). In other words:

• “Then the LORD will be your delight.” (NLT)

• “Then you will find your joy in the LORD” (NIV)

That doesn’t mean worshipping all day, but it does mean we keep exploring ways to design the day to reach for something higher. That often includes one-on-one time with our boys to check in, and together as a couple.

But my favorite activity is being able to stop and hold my daughter while we’re just together as a family…in so many variations: sometimes talking and reading, sometimes reminiscing or planning, sometimes playing a game or eating, sometimes praying and singing, and sometimes watching something uplifting.

Boys and boundaries

Now I have teenage boys of my own who eat, drink and sleep basketball. When we’re not looking, their favorite evening diversion is to check ESPN for the latest score updates.

Playing and watching sports together has been an incredible blessing as a family. Yet during the NBA playoffs, I extended the same challenge my father gave me — “let’s make this a day unlike any other day — where we show God what’s most important.”

They still had a choice. But I’ll never forget watching my teenage son going to bed Sunday night with no idea whether his beloved Golden State Warriors had won the decisive game.

That waited till Monday morning — a small thing, maybe. But not on the scale of his heart.

I marveled at this young boy’s willingness to voluntarily put something higher than his beloved Steph Curry.

At least for a day.

A day unlike all days

I know some may still see this as prudishly absurd, perhaps even wondering if we’re harming our boys with “high demand” standards that seem so old-fashioned. I wish these cynics could see and feel what they’re missing.

An entire day to place the Living God first in our lives — with nothing else allowed to intrude. I’ve found that experience profoundly changes the complexion of our family and the week ahead, like leaven in the loaf.

This used to be more intuitive to Americans. For much of our nation’s history, stores were closed on Sunday across the nation, something that only began changing significantly in the 1960s-1970s.

In 1917, police arrested managers of the New York Giants and Cincinnati Reds for trying to arrange a Sunday baseball game (New York legalized Sunday baseball two years later — with Pennsylvania the last state to legalize it in 1933).

No one wants to return to criminalizing behavior on Sunday. But in a world where so few boundaries seem to exist anymore — and those that do are constantly crossable and negotiable — I believe that teaching my boys this lesson matters enormously.

Simply put, I want my sons to be able to see and feel everyone doing something else — even things wildly popular — and have the inner ability to choose differently.

Of course, there are many ways to teach children this: Will you drink that substance when everyone else is? Watch that video when it looks so exciting? Say that word when you get frustrated?

You’ll make a good choice on the right red lines for your family. I will admit, it can still be hard to resist the cultural pull as a family when everyone else seems to be doing it.

Don’t feel bad for us. I’m grateful this isn’t what the weekend is for us. Sunday is, by far, the happiest, sweetest day of my week I look forward to more than any other. I just don’t think I’d feel that way if it was yet another day full of the same kinds of distractions as other days.

Hey, we still find ways to enjoy football. For me, ten minutes of highlights Monday morning is good enough, while my friend Ted Barley watched the last Super Bowl early Monday morning with his daughter Debi — pinky-swearing with each other to not check the score.

There’s something relieving and comforting for me to know there’s a day “unlike all others” in our home — a day where football and politics, Mr. Beast and Mr. Trump, are all refused entry.

As we watch people fighting for their freedom in Venezuela, Iran and Ukraine, the voices of American isolationists are loud in our ears: “Stay out of other countries’ business”…”we’ve got enough problems on our own soil”….“We cannot be the world’s policeman.”….”we’ll just make it worse — we can’t really do any good anyway!”…”why would you trust American intervention anyway?”

There are good reasons that my fellow Americans arrive at these positions. Our history cautions against foolish and reckless steps overseas — especially when they undermine a country’s democratic choices, because the U.S. leaders didn’t like that decision (Guatemala in 1954 or Chile in 1970-73).

In fact, it was also in Iran in 1953 that the U.S. CIA instigated a coup against popular, democratically-elected Prime Minister of Iran Mohammad Mosaddegh. People have reasons to be wary of U.S. intervention in other countries’ affairs.

But they’re wrong to be so categorically cynical and militant about military support for other countries — especially when that is in line with the desperate yearning of freedom-seeking people.

In Venezuela and Iran, like Ukraine, it’s a situation where these people deeply want exactly what we have: liberty.

To insist, even in these cases, that the morally righteous thing is to stay away — or get as little involved as possible (surely never directly) - is to miss out on what that precious liberty could mean for these people, and to consider it might well be worth that sacrifice.

It’s especially galling to hear some of these isolationists wrap their arguments in “peace” claims — describing their refusal to interfere in “pacifist” terms, without acknowledging what our own inaction and isolation could mean for people living through horror and an entire absence of any peace (for instance, the tens of thousands of detained protesters in Iran).

The parable of the unaccountable bully

Once upon a time, a vulnerable boy got targeted by a much bigger goon on the playground. Everyone knew it wasn’t a fair fight. They knew the little tyke was going to get pounded without some assistance.

But … out of fear to trigger a broader fight with this same bully, the other kids on the playground backed off. They refused to get involved — at least not directly.

Sure, many of them would still pull the victim aside when they could — telling him how brave he was and offering fighting tips or creative techniques to get the upper hand. Some would slip him some extra snacks now and then to cheer him up a bit.

But nothing more. At a safe distance, they watched day by day, week by week, as the enormous bully brought his rage down upon this most unfortunate, vulnerable boy.

Even as the consequences compounded, the wounds, the blood, the agony — the children on the playground hewed to their principles with decisiveness. They were confident in having taken the middle school’s “moral high ground,” and they were going to stick with that.

After all, how reckless would it be to risk a wider escalation of the conflict?

Ukraine needs something more

I am 100% sure, as a wanna-be historian, that one day in the future, our children and grandchildren will look back with horror on why humanity didn’t do anything more directly to help Ukraine in its unfair fight against Russia.

“Why did you just watch Russia do that to the Ukrainians?”

“Hold on, now, we gave them all sorts of money and weapons!” — which of course, we have done and need to keep doing, at a minimum. I’m sure the Ukrainian people have also appreciated the heartwarming “visits” and “messages of solidarity.”

But let’s not pretend that this country hasn’t desperately needed way more than that from the Western powers — from the very beginning.

This is something the country deserved to expect from us as well. When Ukraine willingly gave up their nuclear weapons in 1994, they were assured in a joint multi-nation memo that other nations would not use military force against the territorial integrity or political independence of Ukraine — and that if they did the United States and other nations would “seek immediate Security Council action to provide assistance.”

That assistance has come, all from a safe distance, while we watch the smaller nation daily get assaulted, attacked, besieged…over and over, with an estimated 46,000 to 140,000 Ukrainian soldiers killed, along with at least 15,000 citizens. As many as 20,000 to 35,000 children have also been forcibly moved to Russia and as many as 8,000 Ukrainian soldiers are in brutal captivity).

All this we watch, day by day — when not tuning in to our favorite sports championship, concert or hit movie. And we pat ourselves on the back, of course, for the moral wisdom of avoiding a wider conflict.

Iran needs more help too

Now the brave people of Iran are getting massacred — especially those daring to ask for more freedom. While 6,159 deaths is cited as a baseline, no one really believes it’s that low, with other estimates of as many as 30,000 people killed (and another 49,000 detained, which many see as a fate even worse than death).

These are fellow children of God equally precious in His eyes. Yet even in the face of such brutality against brothers and sisters, armchair commentators sit back and scold anyone who dares to hope that the U.S. would actually do anything to step in.

But, of course, it’s President Donald Trump himself who assured the Iranian protesters that he would step in if they were harmed, as I wrote about for Deseret News earlier this month. First here:

Then here:

NBC News likewise reported yesterday that “Through carnage of the government crackdown, Iranian protesters looked to Trump.”

At least some people really come into the streets “based on those statements,” as one relative of an arrested protester told CNN. For instance, the family of Siavash Shirzad attempted to dissuade him from joining the protest. According to Karim Sadjadpour in the Atlantic, this 38-year old responded, “Trump said he supports us. I’m going.”

He was among those killed.

Yet the high-minded isolationist lectures continue: “Diplomacy is the only way”... “de-escalate and bring these countries to the negotiating table” they opine, never realizing that there can be no negotiation with a government slaughtering its people, any more than you’d strike a deal with a murderer.

This reality seized me by the throat weeks ago as I was researching “Iran’s 250-year fight for freedom” for the Deseret News — a pursuit that’s been achingly, heartbreakingly rewarded with little more than blood and terror, over and over.

As New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof said as Iran’s protest was flaring up, “I have covered these kinds of uprisings in other countries around the world, one of the things I’ve learned is that the slogan that ‘the people united will never be defeated,’ it’s not true.”

Citing China’s Tiananmen in 1989 and the Arab Spring starting in 2010-2011, this brilliant commentator warned, “there are very courageous democratic movements that simply can be crushed with machine guns.”

That’s exactly what happened in Iran, with the resulting horror buried in mass graves throughout the country, with surviving family warned not to ask any further questions.

An appeal from U.S. history

Some would be outraged by the insinuation Americans should do more for either people. But are we not our brothers’ and sisters’ keeper?

This is not about simply pouring more money into any of these countries — or throwing more weapons at them — although both will continue to be critical at times. (Ukrainian weapon shortfalls are leading to tragedies).

When I try to get in the mind and heart of those insisting on American isolation, I hear something at work inside them like this: “avoiding war is of such utmost importance, that this principle exceeds all else in importance.”

On that basis, of course, many people advocated strongly against the U.S. getting involved in World War II, despite the horrors perpetrated against the Jews we were hearing about. Those isolationist appeals that were persuasive to our leaders, until we got hit at Pearl Harbor.

Did Marquis de Lafayette feel or experience similar moral resistance at first, after considering coming to the aid of the nascent 13 colonies picking a seemingly hopeless fight against that era’s bully, Great Britain?

You bet he did. He faced resistance at nearly every turn. The French crown forbade officers from supporting the American rebellion — while Lafayette’s family warned he was risking his life for a romantic cause with little chance of success. But his decision, at age nineteen, to sail in secret on a ship he himself purchased to support the American cause paved the way for a formal French alliance in 1780 that added 5,500 troops to the American cause.

Around the turn of the twentieth century, Henry A. Ogden painted this scene of George Washington reviewing French troops at the Philipsburg encampment, the first time the allies shared a camp during the Yorktown campaign.

That help made a huge difference to U.S. independence. While the colonies might still have prevailed without the French support, some believe the rebellion could have collapsed from exhaustion or turned into a negotiated settlement short of full independence.

Reservations were eventually overcome, and history changed completely. We owe our freedom as Americans, in part, to the French. Are we willing to extend our support to other countries seeking their freedom too?

I hope and pray so. Please add your prayers this weekend too, as President Trump considers action.

There are 90 million Iranians yearning for their freedom, 29 million Venezuelans, and, of course, 36 million Ukrainians (along with 5 million Iranians, 7 million Ukrainians and 8 million Venezuelans living as refugees outside their preferred homelands). If the United States under President Donald Trump can do something that makes a difference for them securing that, history may ultimately smile favorably on the 45th and 47th U.S. President.

And I will too!

The first two images were created with the help of ChatGPT AI

Sometimes the weather is sunny. Sometimes it’s stormy. And sometimes a tornado hits.

That’s kind of how our mind and heart are too. Depending on the day, and even the moment, different thoughts and feelings come and go like weather patterns in the sky. At certain points, the mind and heart can be pushed so far that extreme mental and emotional states arise. What to do then?

“I was so devoid of hope—so devoid of hope—and felt so alone . . . my world had become so small that I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel,” a woman told us about her experience with emotional struggles.

“When you’re actually in these negative storms that can last months and even years,” said University of Miami cognitive neuroscientist Amishi Jha in an interview, “it’s very hard to think that it’s possible to step outside of it. It is your world.”

In this class, we use the word “mindweather” to capture the wide spectrum of mental and emotional experiences we experience as human beings.

Do mental or emotional problems have to feel this hopeless—in a way that they dominate and control our lives?

“My life really had shrunken to the point where I just saw myself as mostly this mentally ill person who would be dependent on psychiatrists and therapists to get through life,” another woman said. “I was told by one professional, ‘Maybe one day you’ll get your life together enough that someone will marry you. . . . Maybe you’ll have a job one day.’”

This class was designed to speak to that woman or man, and to the many people who love this individual desperately. Along with this other preview of the class, we created this trailer on “learned hopelessness.”

The last 30 years have seen literally tens of thousands of research studies emerge on the roots of this pain—and ways people might find their way to deeper, more sustainable healing. That’s what you’re going to hear about in this class - something Clay Olsen and I elaborate in our new book coming out this year too.

The insights and patterns we review are broadly applicable across a wide range of conditions, from depression and anxiety, to ADHD, eating disorders and even delusion/schizophrenia.

Introspective, not prescriptive

Our aim is certainly not telling you what to do or making specific recommendations about your situation necessarily. Those are questions only you can settle for sure, with your loved ones and any professionals you trust along the way.

Instead, our aim in this class is simply to help you think more carefully about some of the core questions and issues at the heart of mental and emotional disorder.

Outline

As detailed in an introduction video (that you can probably skip because you’re reading this), the class exploration will center around two key questions currently being asked by millions facing these problems: First, where are these problems coming from?

Secondly: How can we best respond to, and attempt to work with these kinds of mental and emotional problems? What kind of help can I offer my friend, family member—or myself—to really start feeling better: and not just for a good week or two. The rest of the course covers this ground.

Be patient, go gradual + maybe, don’t skip?

Some of this material will stretch you. And that’s why we don’t rush through it - giving it time to really allow you to absorb it. This means it’ll take a little more patience…especially when that voice says “I want to do this at double speed!”

You may wonder about trying to get through the whole class in one day. We don’t recommend that. You may also be tempted to skip ahead. Since the later lessons build on earlier ones, we recommend you take the class sessions in order.

A team of teachers

Alongside Thomas McConkie and Vicki Overfelt, two remarkable mindfulness teachers, I will be one of your guides for the class. We’ll also be hearing from nearly thirty-five other researchers and professionals we hand picked, as well as individuals who have found deeper emotional healing.

Special thanks to Utah Youth Village who provided support to make it possible to complete these interviews. Patrick David Jennings did incredible work on the editing of these classes, with huge gratitude to him and his father, David. Also, I so appreciate the late Kevin Reem, a wonderful man who worked at Disney and loved his daughter who struggled emotionally, who organized the professional film shoots at several different locations. My brother Daniel Hess also provided wonderful footage from a conference in Syracuse, New York.

Accessible for anyone

Along the way, we do our best to avoid unnecessary jargon or scientific language and give it to you straight, with a short glossary of more complicated terms referenced here:

Mindweather 101 Glossary

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Thank you for joining us. What you’re about to see is the product of thousands of hours of effort, across hundreds of hours of interviews, and based on the hard work of twenty volunteers—including Yvonne Jacobs, whose hand transcription for the entire course is available below:

Mindweather 101 full transcript

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MAKING SENSE OF THE PROBLEM

In the first couple of lessons, we’ll start exploring some discoveries about the brain— breakthroughs that, surprisingly, very few people still seem to know about.

Lesson 1. The brain’s role in mental distress: One view

For much of the last century, mental and emotional distress has been understood through the lens of a fixed, unchanging adult brain—one that is permanently wired and prone to lifelong malfunction. While this view has helped validate suffering as “real,” it has also quietly shaped how people see themselves and their future.

Review:

1. The brain plays an important role in mental and emotional distress.

2. Historically, there have been very different ways of thinking about that role.

3. One of them is that the adult brain is largely fixed and unchanging over time.

Reflection + Discussion:

• What have you been told about the role of the body or brain in your own condition, or that of your loved one?

• Were you ever told by friends, family or professional help, that your brain or body was permanently disordered in some way?

• Why do you think the “fixed brain” model became so dominant in modern culture?

Lesson 2. What we believe about the brain matters: Believing your brain is broken makes a difference.

Believing the brain is permanently broken or deficient can deeply shape how people see themselves, often reinforcing hopelessness and a narrowed sense of what life can become. These beliefs don’t just describe suffering—they actively influence motivation, identity, and the possibility of recovery.

Review:

1. The brain matters.

2. What we believe about the brain matters too.

3. Believing the brain is permanently deficient can make some people feel even more hopeless.

Reflection + Discussion:

• How have ideas about a “broken” or “defective” brain affected your own feelings of hope in the future? How might those stories affect someone already feeling vulnerable or discouraged?

• In what ways might this message help people (reducing blame)—and in what ways might it unintentionally harm? Why might messages meant to be “realistic” sometimes feel crushing?

• What responsibility do helpers have in how they talk about the struggle and the future prognosis? Where do you see the line between validating suffering and unintentionally limiting someone’s future?

There is a growing scientific literature that explores the power of belief and expectation in the progression of healing and recovery—including something called the “placebo effect.” Essentially, what we’ve just reviewed above is a kind of reverse placebo effect.

Lesson 3. The brain’s role in mental distress: Another view

Modern neuroscience has revealed that the adult brain is not fixed, but continuously changing in response to experience—a capacity known as “neuroplasticity.” This discovery reframes mental distress not as permanent damage, but as patterns that can evolve, adapt, and reorganize over time.

Review:

1. The brain is super-important.

2. Scientists used to believe it was permanent when we became adults.

3. Now they don’t.

Reflection + Discussion:

• When was the first time you heard about neuroplasticity?

• Why do you think it’s taken so long for the public awareness to grow about this hopeful discovery?

• In what ways could this view influence how society responds to mental health challenges? How might this understanding shift mental health policy or treatment priorities?

Lesson 4. What we believe about the brain matters: Believing your brain is changeable-healable makes a difference.

Understanding the brain as changeable can restore hope, soften identity labels, and expand how we explain mental and emotional suffering. This shift opens the door to seeing distress not only as an internal flaw, but as something shaped by experience, environment, and meaning.

Lesson 4, Part 1

Lesson 4, Part 2

Review:

1. What we believe about the brain matters.

2. This belief can make a difference for how we see ourselves.

3. And it can even determine whether recovery seems possible at all.

Reflection + Discussion:

• What does this other understanding of the brain mean for individuals and families facing serious mental and emotional problems? What feelings arise for you personally when you hear that the brain can change over time?

• How does seeing the brain as changeable alter the way you view yourself—or someone you love?

• How does this perspective change the way you think about long-term possibilities? What possibilities feel newly open—or still hard to believe?

In these first four lessons on the brain, we’ve tried to lay out a simple, clear exploration of competing brain narratives, and what they might mean for people’s actual experience of mental illness and recovery.

As you can see, the way we talk about the brain can have vivid, real-life consequences for actual lives—including how and whether people feel hope for a future that looks better—really better—than today.

Obviously many questions remain. For example, what exactly does recovery look like? (soon) And, how can friends and family best support someone facing emotional burdens?

Lesson 5. Just being there: Insights for family and friends.

Healing does not belong exclusively to professionals—authentic presence, listening, and human connection of any kind can be profoundly therapeutic. Often, what helps most is not fixing or solving, but staying close without an agenda and allowing someone to feel less alone.

Lesson 5, Part 1

Lesson 5, Part 2

Review:

1. Professionals can be very helpful.

2. So can family and friends...but that can be easy to forget.

3. In either case, there is surprising power in dropping the agenda and fully being with someone.

Reflection + Discussion:

• When someone you love is hurting, do you feel pressure to fix—or permission to simply be with them?

• What forms of presence have helped you most during your own emotional struggles?

• How can ordinary acts of connection quietly support recovery?

In the next class discussion, we’ll take another look at recovery itself—exploring competing views of what exactly that means.

Lesson 6. Different ways of thinking about recovery

While recovery is often defined narrowly as lifelong symptom management, research and lived experience show that deeper, more meaningful recovery is possible—even after severe distress. Rather than a straight line, recovery tends to unfold slowly, unevenly, and through renewed connection, purpose, and hope.

Lesson 6, Part 1

Lesson 6, Part 2

Watch for this quote! “You have a well part in you . . . and it’s a beautiful part. Never forget that.”

Review:

1. There are very different ways of thinking about recovery.

2. Many believe full recovery is not possible—seeing long-term symptom management as their best hope.

3. Others believe full recovery is indeed possible...because they have lived it.

Reflection + Discussion:

• How have you personally or in your family defined recovery from mental or emotional challenges? Do you believe recovery should be seen as coping, functioning, or something deeper?

• How does the idea of recovery as a gradual, non-linear process land with you?

• What would “a life of meaning and belonging” look like beyond symptom reduction?

RESPONDING TO THE PROBLEM

Lesson 7. One way of responding to mental distress

One common way people respond to emotional pain is by distracting, avoiding, or numbing it—through sleep, substances, busyness, screens, or other forms of escape. While these strategies may offer short-term relief, over time they fail to address the roots of distress, while quietly creating new problems of their own.

Lesson 7, Part 1

Lesson 7, Part 2

Review:

1. One way to respond to emotional pain is to distract, avoid and numb out.

2. This is something we all do sometimes.

3. While it might provide some relief in the moment, over the long-term this approach may not get to the bottom of our problems.

Reflection + Discussion:

• What are some common ways people—individually or culturally—try to make emotional pain go away quickly?

• Why do avoidance strategies make so much sense in the moment, even when they don’t work long-term? In what ways might our culture reinforce the belief that pain should disappear immediately?

• How can avoidance unintentionally turn into a habit or pattern over time?

• If it’s true that avoidance doesn’t actually get to the bottom of our problems and may sometimes complicate things, why do we keep going back to ways to avoid or distract from our pain?

Before moving on, here’s a short video summarizing this lesson’s key point, in case you find it helpful or would like to share with someone:

Lesson 8. Can trying to ‘make it go away’ make it worse?

Efforts to force painful thoughts or emotions to disappear can sometimes backfire, intensifying distress rather than relieving it. When people fight their inner experience too aggressively, they may unknowingly strengthen the very patterns they are trying to escape.

Lesson 8, Part 1

Lesson 8, Part 2

Review:

1. Trying to make pain go away immediately may have some effects in the short-term.

2. Over the long-term, however, two problems often arise:

• Deeper problems are not fully resolved.

• Problems can get worse, as the consequences of short-term efforts pile up.

Reflection + Discussion:

• Have you noticed situations where trying harder to feel better actually made things worse? More specifically, have you ever noticed things getting worse after some kind of attempt to make pain or distress go away?

• Why might the mind react negatively to pressure—even pressure meant to help?

• As we learn to stop resisting so much, we may find ourselves having much more energy to meet the challenges of life more effectively. If you listen deeply in this moment, can you detect anything in your life that you might have been resisting?

We’ve highlighted in this discussion some of the consequences of trying to fight against what’s happening in our heads. For one, this probably won’t make the problem go away. What’s worse, fighting our thoughts or feelings can also give problems more power and potentially make the situation worse (here’s two quick summaries of the main point of this lesson if it’s helpful, or you’d like to share them with others).

In the end, the need to avoid pain can become a festering problem in itself. In the next lesson, we’ll begin to explore another approach.

Lesson 9. Another way of responding to mental distress

Instead of fighting or fleeing painful experience, another approach involves stopping, paying attention, and meeting distress with gentle awareness. By staying present with what is—without judgment or force—people often discover new flexibility, choice, and unexpected paths toward healing.

Lesson 9, Part 1

Lesson 9, Part 2

Lesson 9, Part 3

Review:

1. It’s possible to approach emotional pain in a more gentle way.

2. As we fight less against our pain, we notice that we suffer less.

3. By making room for whatever is coming up in our lives, a new sense of possibility and freedom can arise.

Here’s a short video summarizing the key point, in case you find it helpful or would like to share with someone:

Reflection + Discussion:

• What reactions come up when you hear about this idea of “staying with” emotional pain rather than only avoiding it? Why might stopping and observing feel counterintuitive—or even frightening—at first?

• How is acknowledging pain different from giving up or resigning yourself to it?

• What does it mean to relate to thoughts and feelings as experiences, rather than as commands?

• What do you notice when you stop and observe what is going on inside? How might awareness create space for choice, even when circumstances don’t change?

• What feels hardest about simply allowing discomfort to be present, even briefly? Where in everyday life might small moments of presence be possible?

Mindfulness supplement to Lesson 9

So what is this mindfulness stuff anyway? Can someone give me a definition? This supplemental video dives in more directly into what exactly mindfulness is.

Lesson 10. Surrounded with gentle acceptance: More for family and friends

Family and friends often respond to a loved one’s suffering with urgency, fear, or a need to fix—yet these reactions can unintentionally increase pressure and distress. A more healing stance involves patience, acceptance, and presence, allowing the person who is suffering to heal in their own way and at their own pace.

Lesson 10, Part 1

Lesson 10, Part 2

Review:

1. With good intentions, sometimes we try to do something to make the pain of our loved ones go away.

2. This can sometimes make things worse for our friends or family.

3. By being gentle and accepting with someone—no matter where they are—we invite them to be gentle with themselves.

Reflection + Discussion:

• Why is it so hard to sit with someone else’s pain without trying to fix it? How might good intentions sometimes create additional pressure for someone who is struggling?

• What does “being present” actually look like in your own relationships? How can acceptance coexist with hope for change?

• In what ways might gentleness restore dignity and motivation more effectively than control?

• How could slowing down change the emotional climate in families or communities under stress?

Lesson 11. Can a gentle approach make a difference for mental and emotional pain?

Approaching emotional pain with gentleness, awareness, and compassion—rather than resistance or control—can fundamentally change how that pain unfolds. Research and lived experience suggest that when emotions are allowed to arise and pass naturally, suffering often decreases, while the brain is allowed space to gradually reshape itself in healthier ways.

Lesson 11, Part 1

These ideas can be fresh and exciting for some—and a bit unsettling and confusing for others. Take whatever time you need with them. There is no rush!

Lesson 11, Part 2

Review:

1. A more gentle and accepting approach to our emotional pain can have some surprising results.

2. For instance, we can begin to notice pain passing and changing on its own.

3. As we practice being more gentle, we get better and better at working with whatever comes up in our lives—no matter what it is.

4. Over time, this approach helps the brain change in positive directions.

Reflection + Discussion:

• What do you usually try to do when emotional pain shows up—fight it, fix it, escape it, or something else?

• Why might gentleness feel counterintuitive—or even risky—when emotions are intense?

• Have you ever noticed a difficult emotion soften or pass on its own when you stopped struggling with it?

• How does the idea that emotions are temporary “events” rather than permanent truths change how you relate to them?

• What feels hopeful—or challenging—about the idea that the brain can change through how we pay attention?

• What might it look like to meet your own pain (or someone else’s) with a little more patience and compassion this week?

Before moving on, here’s two short videos summarizing the key points: “Making Room for What Hurts” and “Witnessing the Storm.”

From individual experience to the brain itself, the consequences of learning this other approach to painful emotions and thoughts are real. This is no snake oil. We’re talking about something with hard data and good evidence showing it works.

In the next lessons, we’ll consider what this approach means for something like thinking itself.

WORKING WITH DIFFICULT THOUGHTS

Lesson 12. One way of thinking about thinking

Many people relate to their thoughts as if they are facts or direct reflections of reality, which can make distressing thinking feel overwhelming and inescapable. When thoughts are taken literally and examined endlessly, they often lead to rumination—intensifying anxiety, depression, and emotional suffering rather than resolving it.

Lesson 12, Part 1

Lesson 12, Part 2

Review:

1. When we get caught up in our thoughts, life becomes distorted.

2. This can cause a lot of suffering.

3. We can learn to relax, step back from thinking, and start to feel more content.

Reflection + Discussion:

• In what ways do people tend to assume their thoughts are true, and a reflection of reality or “who they are”?

• Why might trying to “think your way out” of emotional pain sometimes make things worse?

• What costs—emotionally or physically—come with staying stuck in your head?

Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to step away from that cycle, and even find some peace? The message of this lesson is that analyzing and over-analyzing may not be the best strategy to get there.

The message of the next lesson is, simply put: there’s another way.

Lesson 13. Re-thinking thinking

A different relationship to thoughts becomes possible when we learn to observe them as passing mental events, rather than facts we must believe or act on. By stepping back and watching thoughts come and go, we gain space, choice, and freedom—often reducing distress and opening the door to more lasting change.

Lesson 13, Part 1

Lesson 13, Part 2

Lesson 13, Part 3

Review:

1. The mind offers up thoughts for us to consider.

2. We can practice choosing which thoughts we want to “grow” and attend to.

3. As we get better at this, we feel happier and freer.

Reflection + Discussion:

• Have you ever noticed a thought lose its power once you simply observed it?

• What kinds of thoughts tend to pull you in most strongly?

• What changes for you when you consider thoughts as experiences, not simply as truths?

• Why might focusing on the body or breath help loosen the grip of thinking?

• How does it feel to imagine having a choice about which thoughts you engage with?

In summary, we’re not doomed to our dark, negative and destructive thoughts. There is life beyond. Although it can be challenging to apply and practice, the benefits for learning this skill are well worth it. As you explore this for yourself, be patient with yourself, have some fun, and good luck!!

BROADENING THE CONVERSATION

We started the course exploring how to make sense of mental and emotional distress—exploring two ways of understanding the brain’s role. For those people who see the brain as permanently deficient, there will naturally be limits to what they come to hope for in terms of recovery. (After all, even if there are other things that can be done to support recovery, the fact remains: the brain still has a permanent deficiency).

But what happens when that’s not a fact anymore? As people become aware of brain changeability, we’ve noticed at least two things start to change: First, all of a sudden, new hope begins to emerge for deep and lasting recovery from mental disorder as a possibility for literally anyone—not just those who don’t have it very bad. And secondly, the wide range of contributors to mental disorder become more relevant—inviting us to look more deeply at all of life—the social, relational, cultural, and environmental conditions that can either intensify distress or support healing.

Lesson 14. Exploring the full range of contributors to mental/emotional distress

To understand mental and emotional distress, to really get at the roots of these kinds of challenges, we need to look beyond the biology and chemistry of individuals alone and start looking at the full range of life: All of life. That means surveying the variety of factors that can contribute to or subtract from our mental health. The environment we live in is an important place to start.

Lesson 14, Part 1

Lesson 14, Part 2

Review:

1. There is likely no single and solitary “cause” of mental/emotional distress.

2. Current research, instead, confirms lots of diverse contributors.

3. That’s actually pretty good news!

Reflection + Discussion:

• Why do you think we’re drawn to single-cause explanations for complex struggles like depression, anxiety, or ADHD?

• What are a few “hidden contributors” people often overlook (sleep, pace of life, isolation, screen exposure, food, stress load, etc.)?

• How does it change things to hear, “Your feelings may be an understandable reaction to an abnormal situation”?

Depression + ADHD risk factor questionnaires

The majority of mental health questionnaires focus on symptoms—the observable, behavioral manifestations of how someone is currently feeling. While this is an important aspect of any experience to consider, we typically end up paying far less attention to the root risk factors of what is going on.

As part of our educational efforts, we decided to create several questionnaires looking at the variety of root contributors to mental and emotional distress. That involved going to PubMed and searching for “depression and risk factor,” “ADHD and risk factor” and so on.

We were honestly surprised to find thousands and tens of thousands of studies—leading us to distill down and summarize what we learned in these surveys. Feel free to share them with anyone who might be benefitted!

Depression Inventory (clean - non-referenced)

201KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Depression Inventory (referenced)

580KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Depression Inventory (child/adolescent - referenced)

471KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

ADHD Inventory (referenced)

1.04MB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

So there you have it: the world around us seems to be playing a role in what we’re feeling and thinking. Not too surprising, right? By paying attention to all these contributors to mental and emotional distress, who knows? Maybe that will even change how we respond to them.

On to the final lesson!

Lesson 15. Considering the full range of options

If there’s a wide range of factors contributing to mental and emotional distress, that means there is a wide range of ways to support recovery too! Rather than relying on one solution alone, people who find deeper healing often explore a broader menu of supports (relational, behavioral, environmental, spiritual and sometimes medical)—moving forward step by step over time.

Lesson 15, Part 1

Lesson 15, Part 2

Lesson 15, Part 3

Review:

1. If lots of things contribute to mental/emotional distress, then maybe there are also lots of things to do about it!

2. Whatever the problem, then, there are likely a range of ways to respond.

3. Small changes can turn out to be BIG!

Reflection + Discussion:

• Why can appreciating the reality of multiple risk factors feel strangely hopeful instead of discouraging?

• What happens to people’s sense of agency when they realize there are many possible supports—not just medication or therapy alone?

• What kind of life adjustments have you found help lift your own mood? (sleep, movement, food adjustments, sunlight, connection, quiet, reading, prayer)?

• How would it feel to start to get more curious about these lifestyle areas (for instance, how much do you ‘get out’ into the natural world? How much movement do you get in an average day?)

• How do you balance urgency for relief now with patience for real, lasting change?

• Where do you see resistance to change show up most—fear, overwhelm, habit, convenience, identity, or something else?

• If you were building a realistic “All of Life” wellness plan, what 2–3 areas would you start with first—and why?

And there you have it, All of Life! You made it to the end. Now all you have left is your own life ahead of you....Oh yes, and there’s some concluding words from us.

A few tips on developing your ‘Wellness Recovery Action Plan’

If it’s true that many things contribute to mental and emotional distress, then the good news is there’s lots of things we can start to look at adjusting that might make a difference. In the previous Lesson 14, we referred you to several vulnerability questionnaires we’ve developed for depression and ADHD that help someone explore the particular risk factors in their situation. We’ve done some work on other inventories for Postpartum Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia.

Once we pay attention to the variety of contributors to mental and emotional distress, we can begin to create our own personalized plan—a unique and comprehensive plan specific to our personal or family (or child’s) situation that includes any adjustment that feels important for us to consider. If you’re interested in doing that, here are some basic steps to consider:

(1) Review and inventory anything that might be contributing to you or your child’s current mental or emotional state. This can include hunches you’ve had, as well as issues that other professionals or family members may have brought up. If you’re facing depression or ADHD, one of our vulnerability inventories mentioned in the last lesson may be helpful.

(2) Once you have a list of all the potential contributors in your situation, it’s time to lay out a plan. Take out two pieces of paper, labeling one “Short-term plan” and the other “Long-term plan.” For your short-term plan, sketch out anything that feels important to do in the next three months. Just like you would do if you had the flu, your short-term plan should include any special self-care that needs to happen immediately. If not chicken noodle soup and lots of rest, what is the equivalent for mental and emotional distress? Is there anything you or your loved one needs NOW that could really help decrease the stress of this experience and begin to stimulate healing?

Trust your gut on these plans. Write items that come to you, and put them in the place that feels right (short or long-term). Keep these papers close to you in case other ideas come to you, or if others you trust have good suggestions. In these suggestions, we thank Mary Ellen Copeland for her pioneering work in developing what she calls “Wellness Recovery Action Plans.”

For the long-term plan, list actions that feel important to put into place later on, but not necessarily over the next couple of months. This longer-term plan is about achieving a sustainable and stable wellness over time.

(3) As you begin to put your plans into place, be willing to improve and upgrade them over time—even as you “stick with” what feels important to practice and change. Get others you love and trust involved, including family members, and professionals who are supporting you.

Let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear about your experience.

AI image created by Google Gemini (pretty amazing - you should try it)

I ran across a social media post this week from a friend from years ago. At the time we knew her, this woman got frustrated with her faith community and began posting sweeping, fierce accusations against the motives and character of the entire institution.

Eight years later, my heart sank to see her still doing the same thing. I wonder, does the anger ever get old? Does she ever feel wearied of a life full of so much condemnation of others she’s never met?

In many popular ideologies today—the kind that dominate podcasts and social media, especially TikTok—they always sound very smart and enlightened. But dig a little deeper and you’ll often find unvarnished resentment at the core: an enmity that sets people against each other fundamentally.

The most common form of condemnation, of course, is individually directed: the kind we see showing up in so many families (“That spouse of mine is the reason I’m unhappy … that child of mine … that parent of mine … that sibling … that neighbor … that roommate … that coworker.”)

No book I’ve read better gets at the heart of this kind of personal resentment and how to be free of it than Bonds that Make Us Free (see this talk by the author).

But individual-level condemnation is tame compared with the more sweeping, broad-based variety taking hold of so many American hearts and minds.

Group-based condemnations

When was the last time you saw or heard:

• Conservatives condemning “hypocritical, dangerous” liberals—and liberals dishing out the same to their country’s benighted conservatives.*

• Women condemning men generally, and many men now doing the same to women as a whole.

• White folks casting minorities or immigrants as threats, contrasted with Black Lives Matter-styled cynical narratives about pervasive “white privilege” everywhere you look.

• Sexual and gender minorities also tend to condemn anyone not “allied” with popular ways of approaching LGBT issues. And increasingly, a subset of that latter group more vocally and forcefully condemns sexual minorities too (especially those identifying as “trans.”)

• Then, there are non-religious folks condemning believers, and believers often painting atheists and agnostics with malevolent-toned broad-brush strokes.

• And, of course, the poor are prone (even without Marx in their ear) to condemn those with wealth or “elite status” as inherently selfish and corrupt, while the wealthy have plenty to say about lazy commoners.

There are official labels for all of this, from hyper-partisanship and Marxism (or “cultural Marxism”) to toxic feminism and toxic masculinity. There’s also anti-religious bigotry and anti-atheism (atheistophobia), along with garden-variety bigotry, and queer liberation ideologies or “pride culture.”

Whatever other virtues and enlightened sentiments these ideologies might share, in practice, every one of them effectively turns entire groups against each other: men against women, rich against poor, white against black, Reds vs. Blues, secular vs. religious, etc.

Institution-wide condemnation

Another form of condemnation brands entire institutions as wholly corrupt and unworthy of respect and trust. That includes wholesale condemnations of:

• The university system in America as largely corrupting and radicalizing in its impact.

• Newspapers and media outlets as entirely agenda-driven, and impossible to trust—along with every politician.

• The modern healthcare system as “wholly corrupt” and “really wanting to keep us all sick!”

• Any and all government as useless at best, and destructive and oppressive at worst.

• Organized religion as “really only about power, and money and control.”

• Any organization financially prospering—whether businesses or churches—as corrupt and self-serving.

My friend Ben Pacini wrote in Deseret News recently about “Super Distrusters” who are defined as people with “no faith” in at least three of five core institutions of society.

Notice how all these flavors of condemnation, importantly, are packaged in ways that make them appear virtuous. (And in fairness, there are virtues that can show up in many of these appeals for change. By inviting some scrutiny here, I’m not seeking to raise my own condemnation-of-condemners. As Peter says of Jesus, “when he was reviled, (He) reviled not again.”).

Cloaked in nobility

When was the last time you saw someone say anything fully condemning, prefaced by something like: “now, what I’m about to say (about that individual or group or institution) is going to sound very sweeping; that’s because I have so much resentment that the only thing I can see about this is purely negative.”

No way. Not going to happen. That would be a little embarrassing for anyone to admit. Far better to wrap all that harshness in a prettier package—with some kind of sophisticated, moralistic language to back it up.

And, in fact, virtually every one of these sweeping condemnations referenced above are, indeed, typically wrapped in language that sounds incredibly noble and lofty:

• Condemnations of our political opposite are cast as “fighting for democracy” or “standing up against tyranny” or “loving the country.”

• Liberal condemnations against anyone hesitant to embrace pride culture is cast as “standing up against hate” or “fighting bigotry,” while blanket condemnations of the gay community are cast as “standing up for morality” or “defending the family.”

• Condemnations of men as a whole are positioned as brave attempts to “confront sexism” or “dismantle patriarchy,” with condemnations of advocates for greater female empowerment are rationalized as standing up to “toxic feminism” with “anti-male bias.”

• Condemnations of a particular faith are positioned as “brave truth-telling” with a kind of martyr’s “integrity,” some of whom also position themselves as ceaseless victims of past religious dogma.

What’s important here is how sophisticated-sounding and morally superior these explanations sound. Rather than admit to being consumed by resentment and grievance, the condemner positions himself or herself most often as a courageous truth-teller, who is simultaneously publicizing a brave exposé, and standing up to the (despicable) system.

Any subsequent push-back or resistance is further cast as persecution or expected consequences for the courage to raise their voices for truth, justice, etc.

But isn’t condemnation sometimes deserved?

In fairness, some people and practices certainly do deserve condemnation. Evil is real. And when it shows up, we should say something and do something about it.

Yet it was Jesus Christ himself—one with more authority than most to actually confront evil—who famously told Nicodemus that God didn’t send Him into the world “to condemn the world,” but instead, to save it!

If that was Christ’s focus, wouldn’t it be strange of our personal focus became condemnation more than salvation?

Yes, that ultimate salvation will one day include a “day of vengeance,” something that the prophet Isaiah repeatedly warned about. That event will, I believe, center on bringing horrifying evil to justice (such as abuse and other violence): all that is most worthy of condemnation.

Perhaps some institutions, groups and individuals merit the same kind of vociferous condemnation. But how can we be sure? And who gets to decide?

Compared with objective evil, so many of the examples referenced above are debatable, with competing arguments and theoretical frameworks at odds. For instance, various group-level transgressions by “men” or “feminists” or “white people” require a great deal of theoretical, structural explanation and words that end in “-ism” to make any sense of the concerns.

That might mean more discussion is needed, rather than just more resentment.

The alternative to condemnation

The alternative to condemnation, by the way, is not resignation or pretending everything is all okay (with our family members, our faith, our government, our world, or different groups in the world).

Rather, it’s keeping the sincere concerns we have more specific, focused and bounded, in a way that doesn’t color our view of anything and everything related to that institution, group or individual: “Hey, the fact that conservative scholars struggle to get hired in higher education is a real concern, along with fears so many students have to share what they really think.”

In practice, this means still believing in the redemptive potential of a university, and so much else. Isn’t this, again, the heart of what Christ taught and offered the world? For instance:

• Sure, there are serious issues with American universities. But have you ever experienced the beauty of students or scholars grappling with conflicting ideas in pursuit of truth?

• Likewise, we all know the American medical system has some major issues. But have you ever experienced loving attention from a (mainstream) nurse or doctor doing everything they can to alleviate your pain?

• Absolutely, various religious communities grapple with their own failings, weaknesses and sin. But have you not also witnessed equal measures of their grace, compassion and virtue?

I personally love how basic Christian teaching levels the playing field: “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Translation: We all struggle. We all fall short. We all need grace (that includes all individuals, all groups, and all institutions).

The alternative to condemnation, therefore, isn’t to close our eyes and pretend “all is well.” Rather, while keeping our eyes wide open, this means prioritizing the redemptive love of the Living God who shows all of us—starting with our own heartaches—how Heaven can “make all things new.”

Feeling that grace for ourselves then allows us to say, “yes, the world is a mess—most of us are too. But there’s incredible potential in all of this (including you) that I can see. And I want to be a builder that works to help everything and everyone around me find more of that.”

Sweetness chased away

Why does any of this matter?

First of all, because there’s a painful drag that constant anger and resentment brings into life. When that burden becomes so omnipresent, however, I think many people stop realizing they’re carrying an extra load.

But it’s more than that. There’s also a joy that comes from being able to extend grace to others in their weakness. And being able to see truth showing up in many different places, and appreciate the beauty and goodness in people of many backgrounds.

In my experience, there’s also a tangible relief in being able to grant that most people are well-intentioned. They really are “doing the best they can” (including those engaged in problematic practices or holding views of how the world should operate that we find wrong, and even repulsive).

This is what people miss when their hearts and mind are dominated by some form of condemnation. But I believe the consequences go far beyond short-term well-being.

Progress stopped

The word “condemnation” is most often used in a Christian context to refer to an unhappy state in relation to God where one is “damned” (something our faith community defines as being “stopped in one’s progress”).

Doesn’t this definition line up with the psychology of condemnation? People in a state fixated on the mistakes of others struggle to grow themselves. They learn a lot less!

For me, this reveals another way to understand that word “condemnation.” When you find yourself in a “state of condemnation” towards another individual, group or institution, it becomes very difficult to hear God’s voice and grow as the person you need to be.

A cloud hangs over you. And it’s harder to see so much of the light God infuses into the world and people all around you.

As Jesus told Nicodemus, “And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light.”

In that constricted place, something about the flaws, the mistakes, the failings, and the wrong has captured our attention more than the virtues, the triumphs, the graces, the nobility of what’s going on around us.

In that place, it’s pretty darn hard to look around and see anything good or beautiful anymore—let alone become better ourselves.

Maybe Jesus was on to something in pleading with us to “judge not.” And maybe Paul really had good reason to plead for us to “think no evil.”

If nothing else, our hearts need the permission to turn away from the real evil that is at work around us. And focus our minds on something far better.

Thank Heavens for that.

*Note: One day I’m convinced we will look back on political hatred with shame, like we now do with racial hatred.

The purpose of the game, developed with our boys, is to help children learn how to relate to the full spectrum of emotions – good, bad and ugly – with the same patience and affection they would show a rambunctious puppy.

Even most adults don’t know how to relate with gentleness to especially hard feelings inside. But it’s something we can all learn! The game provides an opportunity for families to start new conversations, and introduce language and metaphors to their home – offering the same for teachers and therapists supporting their students and clients (see here for more details about the game).

Here’s a PDF of the Parent and Teacher Guide, “Training the Puppy Trainers” that comes with the game, so you can look through it to see what it’s like:

Training the Puppy Trainers: A Guide for Parents and Others Supporting Children

8.24MB ∙ PDF file

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The response was wonderful last holiday season. Without any chance for marketing during the year, we’re hoping to reach more families this holiday season. Are you looking for a unique gift for family with younger children, or grandparents and teachers providing crucial support?

If so, consider submitting an order (here). Our family packs the envelopes in the evening and my boys will help me make sure it gets sent out as soon as we can.

I sincerely hope this will make a difference for you or your loved ones. Your support is appreciated!

For years now, I’ve heard stories of people grappling with acute anxiety or heavy depression being told by someone, “this is something you’ll probably face the rest of your life.”

That professional or friend or family member surely didn’t realize how much hope they’re removing from that heavy-laden person or how at odds with scientific reality their grim prognosis is.

Let me say this very clearly: If the best science confirmed that depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, bipolar, etc., were usually life-long, chronic conditions, then we should be telling people that.

But it doesn’t! It really doesn’t.

Don’t believe me, though. You can find out for yourself by reading this book, which will be formally published next year - and which I want to gift you today as a reader and supporter of Publish Peace. You can download it here:

Restoring Hope

1.12MB ∙ PDF file

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If you or someone you love is grappling with depression, anxiety or another mental health or behavioral problem, including addiction of some kind, Clay and I hope this will boost your spirits. It’s honestly been a joy for us to learn too!

In addition to reviewing the most hopeful, latest science on mental health recovery, we share preliminary results of our own analysis of success stories - people who got better from serious depression and pornography addiction and stayed better. What did they do? What patterns show up in studying their stories?

The early chapters make the case for why we believe a “paradigm shift” is needed in mental health. What would that look like, and what could it mean for you or someone you love?

Beyond the supportive research, you’ll hear many stories of people who have found that healing themselves. Then, the final chapters will give you concrete, practical suggestions to encourage anyone hoping to deepen their own healing.

The most thrilling truth is this: Tomorrow doesn’t have to be the same as today.

Don’t let anyone predict your recovery. Leave it open. Miracles are possible - including for you.

In 2009, I joined Carrie Skarda, Kyle Anderson and Ty Mansfield in publishing “The Power of Stillness: Mindful Living for Latter-day Saints” with Deseret Book and our wonderful editor Celia Barnes. The text turned out to be surprisingly popular, and we recorded an audio version on Audible as well.

The core message of the book was that in a busy, digitally-saturated world, it was deceptively easy to inadvertently turn discipleship in the gospel of Jesus Christ into yet-another list of things to get done as well - an approach that prioritized efficiency and often led people to shallow experiences spiritually.

Prompted by Jesus’ own example of 9 times in the New Testament when he stepped away from the busyness to spend time alone with Abba, we asked: what would it be like to approach the many aspects of the restored gospel (prayers, scripture, temple, Sabbath) not as merely more reasons to feel busy, but rather, as good-excuses and sacred opportunities to stop and be still - so we could have our own sweet experiences ‘spending time alone with God’?

Back when we published the original Power of Stillness, we had explored the possibility of an accompanying journal that would break down simple adjustments and practices that could help people apply what we were sharing in that book. A year ago, last November, Carrie and I published that follow-up text, “The Practice of Stillness: Mindful Living for Latter-day Saints” again with the wonderful editing support of the Deseret Book team, especially Kristen Evans and Alison Palmer.

With the help of Stephanie Bryson, Portfolio & Content Manager at Deseret Book Company, we worked hard on a series of videos that introduces many of the themes of this more hands-on text, which were published earlier this year.

I share the whole video series below, touching on what it might look like to approach prayer, scriptures, temple and Sabbath as rich opportunities to be alone with Abba ourselves. What could more stillness also mean for parenting, repentance, peacemaking and moments when we feel overwhelmed emotionally?

As you’ll see starting with this trailer, Carrie and I are definitely not social media influencers or polished actors, but we do love the gospel of Jesus Christ, and enjoy sharing ways that mindfulness has helped us tap into the power of His abundant life of redemption even more.

Hoping you’ll enjoy!

#1 - When prayer feels flat

#2 - When you haven’t read your scriptures for awhile

#3 - When church is hard

#4 - Deepening our experience in the temple

#5 - Mindfully reframing repentance (as joyful, daily growth and ongoing fresh starts)

#6 - Being with children mindfully

#7 - Designing a restful, rejuvenating Sabbath

#8 - Being the peacemaker you want to be

#9 - Facing hard questions

#10 - When emotion rushes in

President Russell M. Nelson, the 17th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, sits with his counselors, President Dallin H. Oaks, first counselor, left, and President Henry B. Eyring, second counselor, right, at a press conference in Salt Lake City on Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2018. | Scott G Winterton, Deseret News

This week, as we laid to rest President Russell M. Nelson as a faith, I’ve been feeling so grateful I lived in a time where I felt his influence.

One of the richest parts of my life has been knowing so many wonderful people who see the world differently than I do. For so many of these friends, I want to help people who know me understand why I’ve appreciated this individual—and what kind of an impact he’s had on my life.

Like millions of other Latter-day Saints throughout the world, I believe in living prophets and apostles—called by God in our day to help expand our understanding in a world full of constraining, distracting, and even enslaving influences.

I know from experience that this isn’t always so easy for other people to understand. I remember being surprised in graduate school at my classmates’ reactions when I shared something about prophets with them. With seemingly little to compare from their own life experiences, it’s like they couldn’t help but see my faith as somehow analogous to creepy cults looking to “Dear Leader” with dangerous devotion.

Well, see for yourself these teachings and what you think of their impact. I’ve been gathering some of his words that had the most influence on my life, motivated to show others how and why they expanded my mind and heart so much.

Simply put, in a world full of mounting anger, despair and anxiety—this wonderful man consistently filled me with peace, joy, and growing kindness.

Even more than what he said, I was so often moved at how he spoke and the feeling it conveyed. Many times I felt God speaking to me directly through his words. Many other times, I simply thought, “Wow, it’s possible for a human being to feel this right now with everything else going on around us!”

I’ve been so lifted by this humble man that I’ve been grieving somewhat at friends and family that never had a chance to experience him—or turned away before they really could.

You can’t know what you don’t know. But the good news is that you can still be influenced by him. As President Nelson’s funeral services approached their conclusion, President Dallin H. Oaks remarked that “his writings and his influence and his example live on.”

Rather than just share this conviction abstractly, I wanted to illustrate how and why I think all this matters. And there’s no better tribute I can give than summarizing this humble disciple’s words and teachings that keep lifting and changing me today. Although the examples below represent only a small fraction of what this man has taught over a lifetime of ministry, it’s my best attempt to ‘map out’ the themes that have touched me and resounded in my heart.

To my friends of other faiths who also love Jesus Christ, I hope you’ll see more evidence below that our faith in the Savior is genuine and overlapping with your own. And to my friends who see Christ more like Santa Claus, I hope you’ll see below how different they really are.

Throughout, I provide links to the video where you can opt to watch the whole message. I hope you might feel comforted and uplifted by these same messages. If you’d like to access this as a PDF download, here it is:

Twelve ways Russell M. Nelson made me a better father, husband and Christian

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Of course, I will always relish friends even if they see the world completely different than I do. But if you have sincere questions and want to talk about any of this, I’d love to. Just send me a note in the comments or send me an email here: jzhess@gmail.com. There’s absolutely nothing more important to me than this.

1. God really does want my heart

In 2020, President Nelson taught that “one of the Hebraic meanings of the word Israel is ‘let God prevail.’ Thus the very name of Israel refers to a person who is willing to let God prevail in his or her life”—adding, “That concept stirs my soul!”

“The question for each of us … is the same,” he continued:“Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life? Will you allow His words, His commandments, and His covenants to influence what you do each day? Will you allow His voice to take priority over any other? Are you willing to let whatever He needs you to do take precedence over every other ambition? Are you willing to have your will swallowed up in His?”

Offered during the global pandemic, this 2020 talk “Let God Prevail” is one of my favorites:

President Nelson would continue to touch on this theme in later talks; for instance, he taught in 2022 that “Overcoming the world means growing to love God and His Beloved Son more than you love anyone or anything else.”

“Loving God more than anyone or anything else is the condition that brings true peace, comfort, confidence, and joy,” President Nelson also wrote in 2022.

During a 2024 talk, he likewise called on us “to make our discipleship our highest priority,” adding, “I have learned that the most crucial question we each must answer is this: To whom or to what will I give my life?”

2. God really does want us to learn to be loving and kind

In 2021, months before Russia attacked Ukraine, President Nelson stated: “There has never been a time in the history of the world when knowledge of our Savior is more personally vital and relevant to every human soul. Imagine how quickly the devastating conflicts throughout the world—and those in our individual lives—would be resolved if we all chose to follow Jesus Christ and heed His teachings.”

In 2022, President Nelson referred to the ongoing Russia-Ukraine conflict, along with the general atmosphere of hostility in the U.S., declaring that “the gospel of Jesus Christ has never been needed more than it is today. Contention violates everything the Savior stood for and taught. I love the Lord Jesus Christ and testify that His gospel is the only enduring solution for peace. His gospel is a gospel of peace.”

President Nelson said at the same conference, “I plead with you to do all you can to end personal conflicts that are currently raging in your hearts and in your lives.” He later reiterated his suggestion to “end conflict in your personal life” saying, “I repeat my call to end the conflicts in your life. Exercise the humility, courage, and strength required both to forgive and to seek forgiveness.”

In 2023, President Nelson again raised even more urgent concern regarding the “venomous contention that infects our civic dialogue and too many personal relationships today”—saying, “Too many pundits, politicians, entertainers, and other influencers throw insults constantly. I am greatly concerned that so many people seem to believe that it is completely acceptable to condemn, malign, and vilify anyone who does not agree with them.”

“My dear brothers and sisters, this should not be,” he emphasized. “As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to be examples of how to interact with others—especially when we have differences of opinion. One of the easiest ways to identify a true follower of Jesus Christ is how compassionately that person treats other people.”

“Anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one. Contention never leads to inspired solutions,” he continued. “The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—no matter how difficult the situation. True disciples of Jesus Christ are peacemakers.”

This 2023 talk “Peacemakers Needed” will always be dear to me, as a reflection of something I love, believe and try (falteringly) to follow:

In 2025, President Nelson touched again on this encouragement, saying: “The present hostility in public dialogue and on social media is alarming… . As followers of Jesus Christ, we should lead the way as peacemakers… . Charity is the foundation of a godly character.”

Christ comforting Mary and Martha after the death of their brother Lazarus (see whole video here).

3. Since we all get stuck in different ways, the possibility of changing in mighty, inspired (and often gradual) ways is a joyful one, not something that should fill us with fear

In 2019, President Nelson taught, “Too many people consider repentance as punishment—something to be avoided except in the most serious circumstances”—something he labeled as a misunderstanding that prevents people from “looking to Jesus Christ, who stands with open arms, hoping and willing to heal, forgive, cleanse, strengthen, purify, and sanctify us.”

‘The joy of daily repentance’

“The word for repentance in the Greek New Testament is metanoeo,” he explained, with the prefix meta- meaning “change,” while the suffix -noeo was “related to Greek words that mean ‘mind,’ ‘knowledge,’ ‘spirit,’ and ‘breath.’ Thus, when Jesus asks you and me to ‘repent,’ He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit—even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our wives, teach our children, and even care for our bodies.”

Does this sound ominous or burdensome? It shouldn’t, President Nelson continued: “Nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular, daily focus on repentance”—going on to plead with us to “Experience the strengthening power of daily repentance—of doing and being a little better each day.”

“When we choose to repent, we choose to change! We allow the Savior to transform us into the best version of ourselves. We choose to grow spiritually and receive joy—the joy of redemption in Him. When we choose to repent, we choose to become more like Jesus Christ!”

This 2019 talk, “We Can Do Better and Be Better” changed how many of us think about repentance:

This was something he wouldn’t let us forget, as he kept reminding us over subsequent years:

• In 2019, President Nelson again said, “may each of us signify by our actions that we are true disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ. May we renovate our lives through our faith and trust in Him. May we access the power of His Atonement by our repentance each day.”

• In 2020, he described the importance of “striving daily to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. And we do that as we repent daily and receive His cleansing, healing, and strengthening power.”

• In 2020, President Nelson, taught that “We are here on earth to be tested, to see if we will choose to follow Jesus Christ, to repent regularly, to learn, and to progress. Our spirits long to progress.” He concluded that session saying, “I bless you with a desire to repent and become a little more like Him each day.”

• In 2021, he spoke specifically of “the need for each of us to remove, with the Savior’s help, the old debris in our lives”—reassuring that ours is a gospel of “hope, of healing, and of progress”—and ultimately, of joy. “Our spirits rejoice with every small step forward we take” (Isn’t that great! It’s how it feels inside for me with even incremental progress forward).

• In 2022, President Nelson repeated the call to “discover the joy of daily repentance” as part of finding more “positive spiritual momentum”—something he emphasized years earlier in 2018 when expressing hope that young people would “experience the joy that true repentance always brings.”

What repentance looks and feels like—composite images of Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas morning

Overcoming the world can make life easier

In a related vein, President Nelson shared later in 2022 about his own grief for those who step away from faith out of a conclusion it “requires too much of them,”saying, “They have not yet discovered that making and keeping covenants actually makes life easier!”

“The reward for keeping covenants with God is heavenly power,” he said. “Power that strengthens us to withstand our trials, temptations, and heartaches better. This power eases our way. Those who live the higher laws of Jesus Christ have access to His higher power. Thus, covenant keepers are entitled to a special kind of rest that comes to them through their covenantal relationship with God.”

“Entering into a covenant relationship with God binds us to Him in a way that makes everything about life easier,” he later said.

Then, after citing Jesus’ words about overcoming the world—and wanting us to do the same—President Nelson said powerfully: “Dear brothers and sisters, my message to you today is that because Jesus Christ overcame this fallen world, and because He atoned for each of us, you too can overcome this sin-saturated, self-centered, and often exhausting world….You can overcome the spiritually and emotionally exhausting plagues of the world, including arrogance, pride, anger, immorality, hatred, greed, jealousy, and fear. Despite the distractions and distortions that swirl around us, you can find true rest—meaning relief and peace—even amid your most vexing problems.”

Then he added: “For those who felt this felt more like work than rest, here is the grand truth: while the world insists that power, possessions, popularity, and pleasures of the flesh bring happiness, they do not! They cannot! What they do produce is nothing but a hollow substitute for “the blessed and happy state of those [who] keep the commandments of God.” The truth is that it is much more exhausting to seek happiness where you can never find it!”

That 2022 talk, “Overcome the World and Find Rest” is a gem:

The joy of becoming “increasingly pure”

One of the biggest challenges for men and women seeking to follow Jesus Christ in the world today is becoming sexually pure. In 2016, President Nelson described one man who yearned for the “joy of finally being clean and right with the Lord—the joy of being freed from guilt and shame—and the joy of having peace of mind.” That prompted confession and reaching out for support to overcome his addiction so he could regain the confidence and trust of his family.

Likewise, he recounted “a young woman focused on the joy of staying sexually pure to help her endure the mocking of friends as she walked away from a popular and provocative, but spiritually dangerous, situation.”

Gentle encouragement for others to not give up in seeking the gift of similar purity—truly a wonderful gift from God—showed up regularly in his ministry:

• In 2017, President Nelson taught, “Covenant-keeping men and women seek for ways to keep themselves unspotted from the world so there will be nothing blocking their access to the Savior’s power.”

• In 2018, he expressed concern for those who would “rather satisfy their own selfish desires and appetites than use the power of God to bless His children” (which probably includes all of us sometimes!)

• In 2019, he taught: “The Lord does not expect perfection from us at this point in our eternal progression. But He does expect us to become increasingly pure. Daily repentance is the pathway to purity, and purity brings power.”

• In a 2023 talk on lifting our minds to a higher plane, President Nelson taught: “As you think celestial, you will find yourself avoiding anything that robs you of your agency. Any addiction—be it gaming, gambling, debt, drugs, alcohol, anger, pornography, sex, or even food—offends God. Why? Because your obsession becomes your god. You look to it rather than to Him for solace….Please do not let an obsession rob you of your freedom to follow God’s fabulous plan.” He added, “The power to create life is the one privilege of godhood that Heavenly Father allows His mortal children to exercise. Thus, God set clear guidelines for the use of this living, divine power.”

• In 2024, he shared, “My heart aches for those who are mired in sin and don’t know how to get out. I weep for those who struggle spiritually or who carry heavy burdens alone because they do not understand what Jesus Christ did for them.”

• In 2025, where he encouraged us to “take intentional steps to grow in your confidence before the Lord,” President Nelson also taught: “as the world grows more wicked, we need to grow increasingly pure. Our thoughts, words, and actions need to be unfailingly virtuous and filled with the pure love of Jesus Christ towards all men.”

Seeking to follow invitations like this has been life-changing for me, personally. Everything changes when we can leave behind the distractions and nonsense (and darkness) of sin to center our hearts on God.

‘I will heal you’

In 2023, President Nelson invited us to study again the account of the Savior’s appearance to the Nephites in the Americas, as recorded in 3 Nephi—where the voice of the Savior was initially heard among the people: “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?… Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive.”

Jesus Christ Appears in the Ancient Americas | 3 Nephi 8–11

“Dear brothers and sisters, Jesus Christ extends that same invitation to you today,” President Nelson said. “I plead with you to come unto Him so that He can heal you! He will heal you from sin as you repent. He will heal you from sadness and fear. He will heal you from the wounds of this world.”

“Whatever questions or problems you have, the answer is always found in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. Learn more about His Atonement, His love, His mercy, His doctrine, and His restored gospel of healing and progression. Turn to Him! Follow Him!”

4. We are becoming different kinds of human beings here on earth

In his 2022 talk, “Choices for Eternity,” President Nelson referenced the New Testament in teaching that it’s precisely because God loves all His children that his house has “many mansions.” He quoted President Dallin H. Oaks as teaching that “all the children of God”—with the fewest exceptions—will wind up in a kingdom of glory.”

“This life really is the time when you get to decide what kind of life you want to live forever,” President Nelson continued. “During this life we get to choose which laws we are willing to obey—those of the celestial kingdom, or the terrestrial, or the telestial—and, therefore, in which kingdom of glory we will live forever.”

This echoes remarks from 2017 where he noted that “God, our Heavenly Father wants you to choose to come home to Him” before teaching that “His plan of eternal progression is not complicated, and it honors your agency. You are free to choose who you will be—and with whom you will be—in the world to come!”

In 2023, President Nelson reiterated: “Far too many people live as though this life is all there is. However, your choices today will determine three things: where you will live throughout all eternity, the kind of body with which you will be resurrected, and those with whom you will live forever.”

“So, my dear brothers and sisters, how and where and with whom do you want to live forever? You get to choose.”

In that earlier 2022 address, he reassured: “righteous choices in mortality will pay unimaginable dividends eternally. If you choose to make covenants with God and are faithful to those covenants, you have the promise of “glory added upon [your head] for ever and ever.”

“These truths ought to prompt your ultimate sense of FOMO—or fear of missing out.” He taught a year later: “You have the potential to reach the celestial kingdom. The ultimate FOMO would be missing out on the celestial kingdom, settling for a lesser kingdom because here on earth you chose only to live the laws of a lesser kingdom.”

But more than fear, it’s joy and excitement President Nelson so often emphasized, “I have learned that Heavenly Father’s plan for us is fabulous, that what we do in this life really matters, and that the Savior’s Atonement is what makes our Father’s plan possible.”

His whole 2023 talk, Think Celestial is another treasure:

Oh, by the way: for those unsure who (and where) they want to be, President Nelson taught in 2024, “time in the temple will help you to think celestial and to catch a vision of who you really are, who you can become, and the kind of life you can have forever.”

‘It won’t be the same without you’

But what about people that aren’t ‘feeling it’ spiritually? President Nelson shared with young people in 2018: “Please do not stay off the covenant path one more minute. Please come back through true repentance, now. We need you with us … It just won’t be the same without you!”

In 2019, he acknowledged “the anguish of my heart is that many people whom I love, whom I admire, and whom I respect decline His invitation …when He beckons, ‘Come, follow me.’”

“I weep for such friends and relatives,” he admitted. “They are wonderful men and women, devoted to their family and civic responsibilities. They give generously of their time, energy, and resources. And the world is better for their efforts. But they have chosen not to make covenants with God.”

“I’ve wondered what I could possibly say so they would feel how much the Savior loves them and know how much I love them and come to recognize how covenant-keeping women and men can receive a ‘fulness of joy.’”

“They need to understand that while there is a place for them hereafter—with wonderful men and women who also chose not to make covenants with God—that is not the place where families will be reunited and be given the privilege to live and progress forever. That is not the kingdom where they will experience the fullness of joy—of never-ending progression and happiness.”

Don’t give up knowing for yourself

Speaking to wavering hearts directly in that same 2019 talk, President Nelson entreated: “Pour out your heart to God. Ask Him if these things are true. Make time to study His words. Really study! If you truly love your family and if you desire to be exalted with them throughout eternity, pay the price now—through serious study and fervent prayer—to know these eternal truths and then to abide by them.”

“If you are not sure you even believe in God, start there. Understand that in the absence of experiences with God, one can doubt the existence of God. So, put yourself in a position to begin having experiences with Him. Humble yourself. Pray to have eyes to see God’s hand in your life and in the world around you. Ask Him to tell you if He is really there—if He knows you. Ask Him how He feels about you. And then listen.”

A year earlier, President Nelson likewise shared with a young audience: “I promise you—not the person sitting next to you, but you—that, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are on the covenant path—even if, at this moment, you are not centered on the path—I promise you that if you will sincerely and persistently do the spiritual work needed to develop the crucial, spiritual skill of learning how to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, you will have all the direction you will ever need in your life.”

“You will be given answers to your questions in the Lord’s own way and in His own time. And don’t forget the counsel of your parents and Church leaders. They are also seeking revelation in your behalf.”

President Nelson then reassured: “When you know your life is being directed by God, regardless of the challenges and disappointments that may and will come, you will feel joy and peace.”

Living in a way that brings joy

“Anything that opposes Christ or His doctrine will interrupt our joy,” President Nelson cautioned in 2016. “That includes the philosophies of men, so abundant online and in the blogosphere, which do exactly what Korihor did.”

“If we look to the world and follow its formulas for happiness, we will never know joy,” he added. “The unrighteous may experience any number of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy! Joy is a gift for the faithful. It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ.”

So much depends on our own choices and where we align our heart and mind. President Nelson made this clear: “When we choose Heavenly Father to be our God and when we can feel the Savior’s Atonement working in our lives, we will be filled with joy. Every time we nurture our spouse and guide our children, every time we forgive someone or ask for forgiveness, we can feel joy.”

“Every day that you and I choose to live celestial laws, every day that we keep our covenants and help others to do the same, joy will be ours,” he continued, citing the Psalmist as saying, “I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. … In [His] presence is fulness of joy.”

The more we receive this truth “embedded in our hearts, he encouraged, “each and every day can be a day of joy and gladness. I so testify in the sacred name of Jesus Christ.”

A family photo of President Russell M. Nelson on a swing. Taken from “Insights from a Prophet’s Life,” Deseret Book

5. It really matters how we see ourselves and what you call yourself

In 2022, President Nelson shared with an audience of young adults: “I believe that if the Lord were speaking to you directly tonight, the first thing He would make sure you understand is your true identity. My dear friends, you are literally spirit children of God. You have sung this truth since you learned the words to ‘I Am a Child of God.’ But is that eternal truth imprinted upon your heart?”

“The way you think about who you really are affects almost every decision you will ever make,” he continued, before responding to the question“Who are you?” with three statements:

“First and foremost, you are a child of God. Second, as a member of the Church, you are a child of the covenant. And third, you are a disciple of Jesus Christ.”

Then President Nelson shared something I wish every young (and old) person around the world could hear deeply: “Tonight, I plead with you not to replace these three paramount and unchanging identifiers with any others, because doing so could stymie your progress or pigeonhole you in a stereotype that could potentially thwart your eternal progression.”

Later, he reiterated that “Labels can be fun and indicate your support for any number of positive things. Many labels will change for you with the passage of time. And not all labels are of equal value. But if any label replaces your most important identifiers, the results can be spiritually suffocating.”

Along with his 2019 teaching about the balance between “the Love and Laws of God,” I can hardly imagine more prophetic and powerful guidance for so many people trying to find their way in a confusing world than this 2022 talk, “Choices for Eternity”:

Call us by our name, please

And by the way, this emphasis on embracing divine identity over limiting labels aligns with President Nelson’s 2018 encouragement that we as a people move away from the name “Mormon,” which had been used by enemies from the very beginning to portray our people as strange and non-Christian. As he summarized: “In the early days of the restored Church, terms such as Mormon Church and Mormons were often used as epithets—as cruel terms, abusive terms.”

So many of the nicknames people use for the Church, including the “LDS Church,” the “Mormon Church,” or the “Church of the Latter-day Saints,” President Nelson continued, share one thing in common: “the absence of the Savior’s name.”

“When we discard the Savior’s name, we are subtly disregarding all that Jesus Christ did for us—even His Atonement….When we omit His name from His Church, we are inadvertently removing Him as the central focus of our lives.”

At the conclusion of that conference, he called on us to “honor the Lord Jesus Christ every time” we refer to the church.

We took that to heart as a people. And honestly, compared with 7 years ago, that word “Mormon” feels strange and foreign when people mention it. It doesn’t fit anymore!

Two years later in 2020, President Nelson reminded us that “this is not the church of Joseph Smith, nor is it the church of Mormon. This is the Church of Jesus Christ ….When we remove the Lord’s name from the name of His Church, we inadvertently remove Him as the central focus of our worship and our lives.”

In that same talk, he introduced a new visual symbol for the church involving a representation of Bertel Thorvaldsen’s marble statue of the Christus. That incredible work of art portrays the resurrected, living Lord emerging from the tomb and reaching out to embrace all who will come unto Him. “It will remind all,” President Nelson said, that “all we do as members of His Church centers on Jesus Christ and His gospel.”

6. The return of Jesus Christ can be something to rejoice in, not fear

Both Christians and non-Christians typically see the “end of the world” or the “second coming of Christ” as primarily a time of fear and turmoil. By contrast, I’ve been struck by how much hope and excitement this prophet consistently shared with us about this future day.

“These are the latter days, so none of us should be surprised when we see prophecy fulfilled, President Nelson taught in 2016. “A host of prophets, including Isaiah, Paul, Nephi, and Mormon, foresaw that perilous times would come, that in our day the whole world would be in commotion.”

Yet he continued: “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

Joy no matter what

The reality of a joy that transcends even piercing difficulty was an emphasis of his ministry; when not shared in words, it was shared in his bright countenance, no matter what was taking place.. “When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation … and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives,” President Nelson continued in 2016: “Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy. We feel it at Christmastime when we sing, ‘Joy to the world, the Lord is come.’ And we can feel it all year round. For Latter-day Saints, Jesus Christ is joy!”

“That is why our missionaries leave their homes to preach His gospel.” Rather than simply to increase church numbers, President Nelson insisted that “our missionaries teach and baptize to bring joy to the people of the world!”

“How, then, can we claim that joy?’ he asked. “We can start by ‘looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith’ ‘in every thought.’...As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us, our joy will increase.” (I love this line! Read it to my boys recently, asking them: Is the Savior really real to us? As real as Lebron James?)

President Nelson then pointed out that like in everything else, Jesus is our example in this–“who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,” citing the book of Hebrews.

“Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy! And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us.”

“If we focus on the joy that will come to us, or to those we love, what can we endure that presently seems overwhelming, painful, scary, unfair, or simply impossible?” he asked.

“What will you and I be able to endure as we focus on the joy that is ‘set before’ us? What repenting will then be possible? What weakness will become a strength? What chastening will become a blessing? What disappointments, even tragedies, will turn to our good?”

Power, blessings and miracles now

The positivity and hope of this man’s vision of the future was palpable and filled my soul. For instance, President Nelson taught in 2018: “Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory.”

Compare that to the doom and gloom of commentators everywhere these days. President Nelson wasn’t naïve, however, adding: “But in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”

In 2018, he likewise spoke of the Lord’s desire to “pour down His power and blessings upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints, the likes of which we have never seen.”

This expands on something he said earlier in 2020, about living in the day when we have “front-row seats to witness live what earlier prophets only in vision—including Nephi’s vision that “the power of the Lamb of God” would descend “upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory.”

This is a verse President Nelson kept coming back to, including in 2023, when he cited Nephi in teaching: “I know that His power is descending upon His covenant-keeping people, who are ‘armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory.’”

Hope, faith and excitement for what is coming

Amidst the pandemic in 2020, President Nelson taught: “Despite the world’s commotion, the Lord would have us look forward to the future ‘with joyful anticipation.’”

“Have you grown closer to the Lord, or do you feel further away from Him?” he asked about our experience with the pandemic to date. “And how have current events made you feel about the future?” Then he encouraged: “Let us not just endure this current season. Let us embrace the future with faith! Turbulent times are opportunities for us to thrive spiritually.”

Acknowledging again the sobering prophecies that “peace [would] be taken from the earth” in the last days, he reiterated the “vision of how remarkable this dispensation is”—quoting the Prophet Joseph Smith who declared that “the work of … these last days, is one of vast magnitude. … Its glories are past description, and its grandeur unsurpassable.”

In 2021, President Nelson likewise taught that “The future is bright for God’s covenant-keeping people.” And in 2022, he reiterated his statement from four years earlier: “so many wonderful things are ahead. In coming days, we will see the greatest manifestations of the Savior’s power that the world has ever seen. Between now and the time He returns ‘with power and great glory,’ He will bestow countless privileges, blessings, and miracles upon the faithful.”

In one of his final messages in 2025, President Nelson taught: “We do not know the day or the hour of His coming. But I do know that the Lord is prompting me to urge us to get ready for that ‘great and dreadful day.”

‘The best is yet to come’

But it was 2024 when President Nelson taught most powerfully about this exciting future. After acknowledging a world “filled with dizzying distractions,” he said, “now is the time for you and for me to prepare for the Second Coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ. Now is the time for us to make our discipleship our highest priority.”

But rather than do so with fear, President Nelson cited Isaiah’s words that when Jesus Christ returns, “the glory of the Lord shall be revealed” with a new government centered on one called “Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”

“My dear brothers and sisters, in a coming day, Jesus Christ will return to the earth as the millennial Messiah,” he continued. “So today I call upon you to rededicate your lives to Jesus Christ. I call upon you to help gather scattered Israel and to prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Lord. I call upon you to talk of Christ, testify of Christ, have faith in Christ, and rejoice in Christ! Come unto Christ and “offer your whole [soul]” to Him. This is the secret to a life of joy!”

Again, his positivity was infectious: “My dear brothers and sisters, do you see what is happening right before our eyes? I pray that we will not miss the majesty of this moment!”

“The best is yet to come, my dear brothers and sisters, because the Savior is coming again! The best is yet to come because the Lord is hastening His work. The best is yet to come as we fully turn our hearts and our lives to Jesus Christ.”

His whole 2024 talk, “The Lord Jesus Christ Will Come Again” is so great:

7. Spending time alone with God really matters!

As the pandemic continued to impact life in 2021, President Nelson remarked how the global turmoil demonstrated the impact of circumstances beyond our control. “However, there are many things we can control,” he added. “We set our own priorities and determine how we use our energy, time, and means. We decide how we will treat each other. We choose those to whom we will turn for truth and guidance.”

Acknowledging the “engaging and numerous” voices and pressures around—including voices that were “deceptive (and) seductive,” and leading to “inevitable heartbreak,” he plead with listeners to “counter the lure of the world by making time for the Lord in your life—each and every day.”

“If most of the information you get comes from social or other media, your ability to hear the whisperings of the Spirit will be diminished,” he cautioned. “If you are not also seeking the Lord through daily prayer and gospel study, you leave yourself vulnerable to philosophies that may be intriguing but are not true.”

This talk led me to seriously consider my own ratio of online news consumption compared with time in sacred scripture. Before the talk was over, President Nelson repeated his plea twice more, the final time with an additional promise:

• “My brothers and sisters, I plead with you to make time for the Lord!”

• “He will lead and guide you in your personal life if you will make time for Him in your life—each and every day.”

Time in His words

In 2016, President Nelson asked, “Are you willing to search the scriptures and feast on the words of Christ—to study earnestly in order to have more power?” He added to an audience of men, “If you want to see your wife’s heart melt, let her find you on the Internet studying the doctrine of Christ or reading your scriptures!”

In 2017, President Nelson described his own deeper, more focused study that he had done on the words of Jesus Christ in the scriptures. When finished, he recalled his wife asking what impact it had on her. He told her: “I am a different man!”

“It is impossible for [us] to be saved in ignorance,” he then shared, quoting the prophet Joseph Smith: “The more we know about the Savior’s ministry and mission—the more we understand His doctrine and what He did for us—the more we know that He can provide the power that we need for our lives.”

President Nelson then encouraged everyone else to try a similar experiment, including a more focused study of “The Living Christ,” an apostolic testimony commemorating the 2,000th anniversary of the Lord’s birth.

In 2020, President Nelson encouraged us to turn to the scriptures rather than loud voices online as a way to hear God’s quiet voice in our lives. The scriptures, he said, “teach us about Jesus Christ and His gospel, the magnitude of His Atonement, and our Father’s great plan of happiness and redemption. Daily immersion in the word of God is crucial for spiritual survival, especially in these days of increasing upheaval.”

“The more you learn about the Savior, the easier it will be to trust in His mercy, His infinite love, and His strengthening, healing, and redeeming power,” he added in 2021.

In 2022, President Nelson said, “With frightening speed, a testimony that is not nourished daily ‘by the good word of God’ can crumble.” Thus, he said, the “antidote” is clear: “we need daily experiences worshipping the Lord and studying His gospel. I plead with you to let God prevail in your life. Give Him a fair share of your time.”

Joking that same year that “you may have had days when you wished you could don your pajamas, curl up in a ball, and ask someone to awaken you when the turmoil is over,” he reiterated that “experiencing Their love is vital, as it seems that we are accosted daily by an onslaught of sobering news.”

In 2024, President Nelson again encouraged, “I urge you to devote time each week—for the rest of your life—to increase your understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

A woman in Ecuador pointing at a highlighted verse in the scriptures.

Knowing Jesus (even better) through another testament

In 2017, President Nelson recounted meeting an African tribal king who was a serious student of the Bible. This king asked the apostle: “What can you teach me about Jesus Christ?”

He then recounted the Savior’s visit to ancient Americans as recorded in 3 Nephi chapter 11 in the Book of Mormon, and read to him some of His words—presenting him with a copy of the whole Book of Mormon. The king responded, “you could have given me diamonds or rubies, but nothing is more precious to me than this additional knowledge about the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I hope everyone understands how much we truly love and relish the Bible. Anyone who says otherwise is simply not being honest. But we really do have special affection for this additional testament of the Savior. In that same talk, President Nelson added his witness that the Book of Mormon “contains the answers to life’s most compelling questions.”:

• The Book of Mormon “expands and clarifies many of the ‘plain and precious’ truths that were lost through centuries of time and numerous translations of the Bible.”

• It “provides the fullest and most authoritative understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to be found anywhere.”

• “It teaches what it really means to be born again.”

• “The Book of Mormon both illuminates the teachings of the Master and exposes the tactics of the adversary”—including “shatter(ing) the false beliefs that happiness can be found in wickedness and that individual goodness is all that is required to return to the presence of God.”

• “It abolishes forever the false concepts that revelation ended with the Bible and that the heavens are sealed today.”

• It “gives purpose to life by urging us to ponder the potential of eternal life and ‘never-ending happiness.’”

• “ I testify with my whole soul that in a most miraculous and singular way, the Book of Mormon teaches us of Jesus Christ and His gospel….The full power of the gospel of Jesus Christ is contained in the Book of Mormon.”

• “This is the book that will help to prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Lord.”

“The truths of the Book of Mormon have the power to heal, comfort, restore, succor, strengthen, console, and cheer our souls,” he concluded.

Sanctuary at home

In 2018, President Nelson presided over the development of a “new home-centered, Church-supported integrated curriculum” that he taught, “has the potential to unleash the power of families, as each family follows through conscientiously and carefully to transform their home into a sanctuary of faith.”

“We have become accustomed to thinking of ‘church’ as something that happens in our meetinghouses, supported by what happens at home,” he explained. “We need an adjustment to this pattern. It is time for a home-centered Church, supported by what takes place inside our branch, ward, and stake buildings”—one that strikes “a new balance and connection between gospel instruction in the home and in the Church.”

“I promise that as you diligently work to remodel your home into a center of gospel learning, over time your Sabbath days will truly be a delight,” he said. “Your children will be excited to learn and to live the Savior’s teachings, and the influence of the adversary in your life and in your home will decrease. Changes in your family will be dramatic and sustaining.”

In 2019, he again said, “We hope and pray that each member’s home will become a true sanctuary of faith, where the Spirit of the Lord may dwell. Despite contention all around us, one’s home can become a heavenly place, where study, prayer, and faith can be merged with love.”

At the time this was introduced, none of us knew what was coming next …but God surely did, in providing advance guidance in prioritizing worship at home, prior to when we would be locked-in for so long.

Months into the pandemic in 2020, President Nelson concluded the conference saying, “Thank you for your desire to make your homes true sanctuaries of faith, where the Spirit of the Lord may dwell.” Referring to efforts to increase gospel study in many homes, he added: “Your consistent efforts in this endeavor—even during those moments when you feel that you are not being particularly successful—will change your life, that of your family, and the world.”

Later in the pandemic, he encouraged us again in 2020 “to create a home that is a place of security. …to which you can retreat.” And in 2021, after a year of the pandemic, he taught: “one of the holiest of places on earth is the home—yes, even your home.” He then added that God’s “power is available to you and your family in your own home as you keep the covenants you have made.”

For those feeling like “there is still more you need to do to make your home truly a sanctuary of faith,” he responded, “if so, please do it!...There are few pursuits more important than this. Between now and the time the Lord comes again, we all need our homes to be places of serenity and security.”

Even after social isolation ends, President Nelson emphasized: your commitment to make your home your primary sanctuary of faith should never end. As faith and holiness decrease in this fallen world, your need for holy places will increase. I urge you to continue to make your home a truly holy place.”

A ‘delightful’ Sabbath sanctuary and retreat

In 2015, then-Elder Nelson referenced the ancient prophet Isaiah as calling the Sabbath “a delight.”

“Yet I wonder, is the Sabbath really a delight for you and for me?” In various ways, he taught we can then experience what Isaiah also said: “Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord.”

He described learning how his conduct and attitude on the Sabbath “constituted a sign between me and my Heavenly Father,” which supplanted his earlier focus on lists of dos and don’ts. When choosing how to use time on the Sabbath, he began asking himself: “What sign do I want to give to God?”

“That question made my choices about the Sabbath day crystal clear.”

8. We can all learn to hear God’s voice in our lives, but it may take some new personal stretching

In 2018, President Nelson taught in his first message something that had been repeatedly impressed on his mind since being called as President of the Church. This early message still thrills me personally, namely, “how willing the Lord is to reveal His mind and will” with “the privilege of receiving revelation … one of the greatest gifts of God to His children.”

After referencing Joseph Smith’s experience seeking more light, President Nelson asked, “what will your seeking open for you? What wisdom do you lack? What do you feel an urgent need to know or understand? Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort.”

“Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the principle of revelation,’” he said, citing Joseph Smith.

President Nelson often acknowledged the surrounding noise and distraction we face, stating in that talk: “The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation.”

To those who may be unsure about whether this is even possible in their own life, he said, “Does God really want to speak to you? Yes! … Oh, there is so much more that your Father in Heaven wants you to know. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, ‘To those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, it is clear that the Father and the Son are giving away the secrets of the universe!’”

“You don’t have to wonder about what is true. You do not have to wonder whom you can safely trust. Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness,” this prophet witnessed. Then he plead:

“I urge you to stretch beyond your current spiritual ability to receive personal revelation, for the Lord has promised that ‘if thou shalt [seek], thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things—that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal.’”

This wonderful disciple, someone I believe to be a prophet of God, repeated: “My beloved brothers and sisters, I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation. …Choose to do the spiritual work required to … hear the voice of the Spirit more frequently and more clearly.”

Though I had heard much of this throughout my life, this 2018 talk on “revelation for our lives” is one of the most important I had ever heard and really opened my eyes even more.

You really can ‘hear Him’!

Compared to loud, in-your-face messages online, President Nelson reiterated two years later in 2020 that God “communicates simply, quietly” and with “stunning plainness.” He went on to reference three specific instances Heavenly Father introduced his son Jesus Christ personally, including on the Mount of Transfiguration to Peter, James, and John, when God said, “This is my beloved Son: hear him.”

• Likewise, to the Nephites: “Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name—hear ye him.”

• And to Joseph Smith: “This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!”

Amidst the mounting pandemic, President Nelson taught: “Our Father knows that when we are surrounded by uncertainty and fear, what will help us the very most is to hear His Son. Because when we seek to hear—truly hear—His Son, we will be guided to know what to do in any circumstance.”

This very admonition to “hear Him” is “for each of us,” he also taught. “We are to seek, in every way we can, to hear Jesus Christ, who speaks to us through the power and ministering of the Holy Ghost”—pointing to lifelong effects if “our hearts change and we commence a lifelong quest to hear Him.”

‘Do whatever it takes’

“Are you willing to pray to know how to pray for more power? The Lord will teach you” President Nelson taught in 2016—adding: “We need to pray from our hearts. Polite recitations of past and upcoming activities, punctuated with some requests for blessings, cannot constitute the kind of communing with God that brings enduring power.”

“As we seek to be disciples of Jesus Christ,” he encouraged in 2020, “our efforts to hear Him need to be ever more intentional,” adding again: “I renew my plea for you to do whatever it takes to increase your spiritual capacity to receive personal revelation.”

“It takes conscious and consistent effort to fill our daily lives with His words, His teachings, His truths,” President Nelson then acknowledged, before again cautioning: “We simply cannot rely upon information we bump into on social media. With billions of words online and in a marketing-saturated world constantly infiltrated by noisy, nefarious efforts of the adversary, where can we go to hear Him?

After encouraging people to “go to the scriptures” and the temple, too, as places to “hear Him,” President Nelson taught: “We also hear Him more clearly as we refine our ability to recognize the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. It has never been more imperative to know how the Spirit speaks to you than right now. In the Godhead, the Holy Ghost is the messenger. He will bring thoughts to your mind which the Father and Son want you to receive. He is the Comforter. He will bring a feeling of peace to your heart. He testifies of truth and will confirm what is true as you hear and read the word of the Lord.”

President Nelson concluded the 2020 conference, months into the pandemic, saying: “We pray that you will begin anew truly to hear, hearken to, and heed the words of the Savior. I promise that decreased fear and increased faith will follow.”

The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints posed for an iconic photograph in the Rome Italy Temple visitors center in Rome, Italy on March 11, 2019. Front center are President Russell M. Nelson and his counselors in the First Presidency, President Dallin H. Oaks and President Henry B. Eyring. Also included are members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: President M. Russell Ballard, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Elder David A. Bednar, Elder Quentin L. Cook, Elder D. Todd Christofferson, Elder Neil L. Andersen, Elder Ronald A. Rasband, Elder Gary E. Stevenson, Elder Dale G. Renlund, Elder Gerrit W. Gong and Elder Ulisses Soares. Credit: Jeffrey D. Allred, Deseret News

Stillness will help you hear Him

In 2021, after a full pandemic year, President Nelson taught: “Commotion in the world will continue to increase. In contrast, the voice of the Lord is not ‘a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but … it [is] a still voice of perfect mildness, [like] a whisper, and it [pierces] even to the very soul,’” citing the Book of Mormon. “In order to hear this still voice, you too must be still!”

Even though the pandemic had made certain activities that “would normally fill our lives” impossible, this prophet again foresaw what was coming: “Soon we may be able to choose to fill that time again with the noise and commotion of the world. Or we can use our time to hear the voice of the Lord whispering His guidance, comfort, and peace. Quiet time is sacred time—time that will facilitate personal revelation and instill peace.”

“Discipline yourself to have time alone and with your loved ones. Open your heart to God in prayer. Take time to immerse yourself in the scriptures and worship in the temple.”

This 2020 talk “Hear Him” is another treasure to me and my family:

Getting away from the noise and nonsense

How can anyone find time amidst our constant sea of distractions? That’s a good question!

“Disengage from a constant reliance on social media by holding a seven-day fast from social media,” President Nelson encouraged young people in 2018. “I acknowledge that there are positives about social media. But if you are paying more attention to feeds from social media than you are to the whisperings of the Spirit, then you are putting yourself at spiritual risk—as well as the risk of experiencing intense loneliness and depression.”

“Another downside of social media is that it creates a false reality,” he added. “Everyone posts their most fun, adventurous, and exciting pictures, which create the erroneous impression that everyone except you is leading a fun, adventurous, and exciting life. Much of what appears in your various social media feeds is distorted, if not fake. So give yourself a seven-day break from fake!”

“Choose seven consecutive days and go for it! See if you notice any difference in how you feel and what you think, and even how you think, during those seven days.”

A few months later, President Nelson extended this same invitation to adults, likewise asking them: “What do you notice after taking a break from perspectives of the world that have been wounding your spirit? Is there a change in where you now want to spend your time and energy?”

“Worlds Without End” by Greg Olsen

Another proclamation to the world

In that same 2020 talk, on the 200th anniversary of Joseph Smith’s First Vision, President Nelson also announced a new declaration: “The Restoration of the Fulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ: A Bicentennial Proclamation to the World.” The text began with God’s love for his children through Jesus Christ, and then it detailed how the Father and Son came to Joseph Smith on a beautiful spring morning in 1820, followed by much more:

“There really is such a thing as right and wrong. There really is absolute truth—eternal truth,” President Nelson taught the next year in 2021. And he added in 2022, “God is the source of all truth. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints embraces all truth that God conveys to His children, whether learned in a scientific laboratory or received by direct revelation from Him.”

9. Far from controlling us, God wants to bring wonderful new power into our lives

I’m not the only one who has felt powerless in recent years, for so many reasons: chronic illness, corruption around us, deception online. But this humble disciple wouldn’t let me stop forgetting the power available to me … right now.

‘Reaching like a drowning person reaches for air’

In 2017, President Nelson sought to stretch our understanding of the power that could come into our lives from the Savior, when he encouraged us again to study His words more consistently, along with “choos(ing) to have faith in Him and follow Him.”

“Faith in Jesus Christ propels us to do things we otherwise would not do. Faith that motivates us to action gives us more access to His power,” he taught.

“There is nothing easy or automatic about becoming such powerful disciples,” he acknowledged. “Our focus must be riveted on the Savior and His gospel. It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought. But when we do, our doubts and fears flee.”

He then encouraged us to “reach up to Him in faith” as a way to “(draw) the Savior’s power into our lives.” While admitting again that “such reaching requires diligent, focused effort.” This prophet then taught something I’ll never forget:

“When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do. When you spiritually stretch beyond anything you have ever done before, then His power will flow into you.”

This 2017 talk, “Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives” may be my favorite message that President Nelson has ever shared: Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives

Trust that he can do miracles in our lives

Power was not a one-off mention for President Nelson. It was a prominent theme of his ministry—power to women and to men, power through the Savior and his words and his covenants. In his 2021 talk, “Christ Is Risen; Faith in Him Will Move Mountains” he taught, “Faith in Jesus Christ is the foundation of all belief and the conduit of divine power. …Everything good in life—every potential blessing of eternal significance—begins with faith.”

But acknowledging the overwhelm people often feel in considering the exercise of faith in a difficult life situation, he said, “The Lord does not require perfect faith for us to have access to His perfect power. But He does ask us to believe”—citing Jesus’s teaching about the mustard seed and Alma’s invitation to experiment upon the word and “exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if [we] can no more than desire to believe.”

Then President Nelson invited in his gentle manner: “My dear brothers and sisters, my call to you this Easter morning is to start today to increase your faith. Through your faith, Jesus Christ will increase your ability to move the mountains in your life, even though your personal challenges may loom as large as Mount Everest.”

“The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith,” he continued. “Moving your mountains may require a miracle. Learn about miracles. Miracles come according to your faith in the Lord. Central to that faith is trusting His will and timetable—how and when He will bless you with the miraculous help you desire. Only your unbelief will keep God from blessing you with miracles to move the mountains in your life.

“Faith in Jesus Christ is the greatest power available to us in this life. All things are possible to them that believe.”

My wife Monique loves this talk so much that she estimates having read or listened to it 100 times in the last couple of years. During this time, I’ve seen miracles in her life that are profound—miracles we could never have imagined possible.

In 2022, President Nelson repeated: “the Lord will bless you with miracles if you believe in Him, ‘doubting nothing.’ Do the spiritual work to seek miracles. Prayerfully ask God to help you exercise that kind of faith.”

“Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, stand ready to help you,” he taught later in 2022. “I urge you to increase your efforts to seek Their help.”

10. Our own promises with God matter a lot - more than we realize

For our people, time in prayer and the words of scripture are very important. In addition, we believe participation in sacred ordinances can bring more of God’s power into our lives. No one helped me understand this better than President Nelson.

In 2017, he taught that we “increase the Savior’s power in our lives when we make sacred covenants and keep those covenants with precision. Our covenants bind us to Him and give us godly power. As faithful disciples, we repent and follow Him into the waters of baptism.”

For our people, temples are special places where we gather to worship, learn and recommit ourselves to living in the Savior’s way. “Everything we believe and every promise God has made to His covenant people come together in the temple,” President Nelson said in 2021, adding: “The ultimate objective of the gathering of Israel is to bring the blessings of the temple to God’s faithful children.”

Earlier in 2016, he asked, “Are you willing to worship in the temple regularly? The Lord loves to do His own teaching in His holy house.” He later added, “If we will humbly present ourselves before the Lord and ask Him to teach us, He will show us how to increase our access to His power.”

“We can also hear Him in the temple. The house of the Lord is a house of learning. There the Lord teaches in His own way,” he shared in 2020. “Every minute of that time will bless you and your family in ways nothing else can. Take time to ponder what you hear and feel when you are there. Ask the Lord to teach you how to open the heavens to bless your life and the lives of those you love and serve.”

In 2018, he also encouraged us to “identify those things you can set aside so you can spend more time in the temple.” Then later in the year, President Nelson shared with an audience of women that “More regular time in the temple will allow the Lord to teach you how to draw upon His priesthood power with which you have been endowed in His temple.”

Even when not inside the temple, President Nelson encouraged: “seek to know more, to understand more, to feel more about temples than you ever have before.” In 2020, he encouraged us six months into the pandemic to “still draw upon the power of your temple covenants” even though these sanctuaries were all closed.

Bangkok Thailand Temple

All about Jesus

“Temples are a crowning part of the Restoration of the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ,” President Nelson also taught in 2020. “Because Jesus Christ is at the center of everything we do in the temple, as you think more about the temple you will be thinking more about Him.”

In 2021, he again taught that “the Savior and His doctrine are the very heart of the temple. Everything taught in the temple, through instruction and through the Spirit, increases our understanding of Jesus Christ.”

Then he added: “His essential ordinances bind us to Him through sacred priesthood covenants. Then, as we keep our covenants, He endows us with His healing, strengthening power. And oh, how we will need His power in the days ahead.”

In 2023, President Nelson likewise taught, “Jesus Christ is the reason we build temples. Each is His holy house.”

Continuing an ancient pattern

“Temple ordinances and covenants are ancient,” President Nelson went on to explain in 2021: “The Lord instructed Adam and Eve to pray, make covenants, and offer sacrifices. Indeed, whenever the Lord has had a people on the earth who will obey His word, they have been commanded to build temples. The standard works are replete with references to temple teachings, clothing, language, and more.”

These promises have been provided “in every age” he emphasized—noting that “in the house of the Lord, we can make the same covenants with God that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob made. And we can receive the same blessings!”

In 2018, President Nelson likewise taught: “These sacred temple rites are ancient. To me that antiquity is thrilling and another evidence of their authenticity”—inviting people who had been estranged to “worship in the temple and pray to feel deeply the Savior’s infinite love for you, that each of you may gain your own testimony that He directs this sacred and ageless work.”

President Nelson explained in 2024 how priesthood keys authorized them to “extend all of the blessings promised to Abraham to every covenant-keeping man and woman. Temple work makes these exquisite blessings available to all of God’s children, regardless of where or when they lived or now live.”

He repeated: “The temple is the gateway to the greatest blessings God has in store for each of us, for the temple is the only place on earth where we may receive all of the blessings promised to Abraham.”

‘No need to fear … Angels ready to help’

Speaking directly to those struggling emotionally, President Nelson shared in 2021: “Please believe me when I say that when your spiritual foundation is built solidly upon Jesus Christ, you have no need to fear. As you are true to your covenants made in the temple, you will be strengthened by His power. Then, when spiritual earthquakes occur, you will be able to stand strong because your spiritual foundation is solid and immovable.”

Earlier in 2019, he taught that “every time you worthily serve and worship in the temple, you leave armed with God’s power and with His angels having ‘charge over’ you.”

President Nelson reminded us again in 2024 that all who worship in the temple will have the power of God and angels will have “charge over them.”

“How much does it increase your confidence to know that, as an endowed woman or man armed with the power of God, you do not have to face life alone?” he asked. “What courage does it give you to know that angels really will help you?”

Barranquilla Colombia Temple

‘The only way to enduring happiness’

“Life without God is a life filled with fear. Life with God is a life filled with peace,” President Nelson taught in 2020. In 2023, he likewise taught, “I testify that following Him is the only way to enduring happiness.”

In addition to the spiritual strength that can come through reading, meditating and praying, President Nelson clearly wanted us to understand the added expansion that can uniquely be found in temples:

• In 2018, President Nelson taught, “each one of us needs the ongoing spiritual strengthening and tutoring that is possible only in the house of the Lord.”

• In 2021, he added, “Ordinances of the temple fill our lives with power and strength available in no other way.”

• The temple is “His house,” he said in 2022. “It is filled with His power….I promise that increased time in the temple will bless your life in ways nothing else can.”

• In 2023, he likewise taught, “Making covenants and receiving essential ordinances in the temple, as well as seeking to draw closer to (Christ) there, will bless your life in ways no other kind of worship can.”

‘I will myself manifest to my people’

In no message did the importance of temple worship come through more than in 2024 when President Nelson referenced an event Latter-day Saints believe took place in 1836 when the Lord appeared in the Kirtland Temple and promised the people: “I will manifest myself to my people in mercy in this house.”

“This significant promise applies to every dedicated temple today,” he taught, saying, “I invite you to ponder what the Lord’s promise means for you personally.”

Then he said, “Regular temple worship will enhance the way you see yourself and how you fit into God’s magnificent plan. I promise you that.”

Then listen to this, something that my boy Sam quoted to all our congregation in a talk he gave: “My dear brothers and sisters, here is my promise. Nothing will help you more to hold fast to the iron rod than worshipping in the temple as regularly as your circumstances permit. Nothing will protect you more as you encounter the world’s mists of darkness. Nothing will bolster your testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement or help you understand God’s magnificent plan more. Nothing will soothe your spirit more during times of pain. Nothing will open the heavens more. Nothing!”

In 2024, President Nelson reiterated this in an even more potent way: “Here is my promise to you: Every sincere seeker of Jesus Christ will find Him in the temple. You will feel His mercy. You will find answers to your most vexing questions. You will better comprehend the joy of His gospel.”

Brigham City Utah Temple

A special kind of relationship

God loves all his children, no matter what, as Jesus taught, making the “sun to rise on the evil and the good, and send(ing) rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

Like in our own relationships today, there are different degrees of closeness, support and intimacy we can experience with God. This is something President Nelson taught with unique clarity.

In the same month in 2022 that President Nelson spoke about a “special kind of rest we can find in God, he published written remarks about a “special kind of love” we can also pursue: “All those who have made a covenant with God have access to a special kind of love and mercy. In the Hebrew language, that covenantal love is called hesed (חֶסֶ).”

“Hesed has no adequate English equivalent,” he explained. “Translators of the King James Version of the Bible must have struggled with how to render hesed in English. They often chose ‘lovingkindness.’ This captures much but not all the meaning of hesed. Other translations were also rendered, such as ‘mercy’ and ‘goodness.’ Hesed is a unique term describing a covenant relationship in which both parties are bound to be loyal and faithful to each other.”

“Because God has hesed for those who have covenanted with Him,” He added, “He will continue to work with them and offer them opportunities to change. He will forgive them when they repent. And should they stray, He will help them find their way back to Him.”

“Once you and I have made a covenant with God, our relationship with Him becomes much closer than before our covenant. Now we are bound together. Because of our covenant with God, He will never tire in His efforts to help us, and we will never exhaust His merciful patience with us. Each of us has a special place in God’s heart. He has high hopes for us.”

In one of his final messages in 2025, President Nelson spoke about a “different kind of confidence” disciples of Christ can come to experience in God’s presence. “When I speak of having confidence before God,” he explained, “I am referring to having confidence in approaching God right now! I am referring to praying with confidence that Heavenly Father hears us, that He understands our needs better than we do. I am referring to having confidence that He loves us more than we can comprehend, that He sends angels to be with us and with those we love. I am referring to having confidence that He yearns to help each of us reach our highest potential.”

11. Ministering is a sacred and wonderful opportunity to be there for someone else

“A hallmark of the Lord’s true and living Church will always be an organized, directed effort to minister to individual children of God and their families,” President Nelson taught in a 2018 talk entitled, “Ministering with the Power and Authority of God.”

Why? Because “as His servants we will minister to the one, just as He did. We will minister in His name, with His power and authority, and with His loving-kindness.”

Despite this high purpose, it had become easy for some of us over the years to “check off their home teaching assignment as ‘done’ and move on to the next task,” President Nelson noted in a talk later that same year.

President Russell M. Nelson receives hugs from family members after he and his counselors held a press conference at the Church Office Building in Salt Lake City on Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2018. | Scott G Winterton, Deseret News

‘A new era of ministering’

But earlier in 2018, President Nelson announced a “newer, holier approach to caring for and ministering to others”—referred to simply as “ministering.”

“There are doors we can open, priesthood blessings we can give, hearts we can heal, burdens we can lift, testimonies we can strengthen, lives we can save, and joy we can bring into the homes of the Latter-day Saints,” he encouraged.

President Nelson noted in a 2018 message to women in the church that their inspired example of ministering over the years in continuous and tender ways had “inspired our upward shift to ministering.”

He shared with men as well in 2018 that the Lord desires “that every man might speak in the name of God the Lord, even the Savior of the world.” He wants all of His ordained sons to represent Him, to speak for Him, to act for Him, and to bless the lives of God’s children throughout the world, to the end “that faith also might increase in [all] the earth.”

President Nelson called this the “beginning of a new era of ministering”—reflecting inspired and “important adjustments in the way we care for each other,” which will lead us to “serve one another in a new, holier way.”

“The covenant path is a path of love—that incredible hesed, that compassionate caring for and reaching out to each other,” President Nelson wrote in 2022. “Feeling that love is liberating and uplifting. The greatest joy you will ever experience is when you are consumed with love for God and for all His children.”

The greatest work in the world

At a time when people (old and young) have been struggling mightily with a lack of meaning, purpose and worth, President Nelson asked teenagers in 2018: “Would you like to be a big part of the greatest challenge, the greatest cause, and the greatest work on earth today?”

“My dear young brothers and sisters, these surely are the latter days, and the Lord is hastening His work to gather Israel,” he continued. “When we speak of the gathering, we are simply saying this fundamental truth: every one of our Heavenly Father’s children, on both sides of the veil, deserves to hear the message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. They decide for themselves if they want to know more.”

He later repeated, “Every child of our Heavenly Father deserves the opportunity to choose to follow Jesus Christ, to accept and receive His gospel with all of its blessings—yes, all the blessings that God promised to the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, who, as you know, is also known as Israel.”

“That gathering is the most important thing taking place on earth today. Nothing else compares in magnitude, nothing else compares in importance, nothing else compares in majesty. And if you choose to, if you want to, you can be a big part of it. You can be a big part of something big, something grand, something majestic!”

But how could they participate in something so vast? President Nelson kept things simple: “Anytime you do anything that helps anyone—on either side of the veil—take a step toward making covenants with God and receiving their essential baptismal and temple ordinances, you are helping to gather Israel. It is as simple as that.”

“My dear extraordinary youth,” he continued, “you were sent to earth at this precise time, the most crucial time in the history of the world, to help gather Israel. There is nothing happening on this earth right now that is more important than that. There is nothing of greater consequence. Absolutely nothing.”

“This gathering should mean everything to you. This is the mission for which you were sent to earth.”

President Nelson again reiterated this a few months later explaining that this gathering is “the greatest challenge, the greatest cause, and the greatest work on earth today!”

Turning our hearts outward

“When we love God with all our hearts, He turns our hearts to the well-being of others in a beautiful, virtuous cycle,” President Nelson said in 2019—as he surveyed the wide scope of humanitarian efforts the church makes to help alleviate poverty, hunger and sickness throughout the world. “Living that second great commandment is the key to becoming a true disciple of Jesus Christ.”

In 2021, after a year of the pandemic, this humble prophet also taught: “If you know of anyone who is alone, reach out—even if you feel alone too! You do not need to have a reason or a message or business to transact. Just say hello and show your love. Technology can help you. Pandemic or not, each precious child of God needs to know that he or she is not alone!”

President Nelson also taught in 2021 that “The Lord will increasingly call upon His servants who worthily hold the priesthood to bless, comfort, and strengthen mankind and to help prepare the world and its people for His Second Coming.”

12. Equal partnership between men and women is beautiful—let’s stop wasting time battling each other!

Human history is burdened by the oppression and abuse many have faced—and continue to face today. Even when the prospect for something better exists, however, too often the relationships between men and women are tainted by hostility, anger and resentment—as well as a degrading objectification that continues to take place.

Into this toxic swirl, President Nelson spoke with tenderness and love, much like I believe the Savior would if he were on earth:

‘Your unique influence cannot be duplicated’

In an early message to women in 2015 as President of the Quorum of the Twelve, President Nelson shared: “We, your brethren, need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. The kingdom of God is not and cannot be complete without women who make sacred covenants and then keep them, women who can speak with the power and authority of God!”

“Sisters, do you realize the breadth and scope of your influence when you speak those things that come to your heart and mind as directed by the Spirit?”

We need each married sister to speak as “a contributing and full partner” as you unite with your husband in governing your family. Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence.”

“We know that the culminating act of all creation was the creation of woman! We need your strength!”

Acknowledging the many attacks on faith right now, President Nelson added, “We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms. We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity.”

“So today I plead with my sisters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to step forward! Take your rightful and needful place in your home, in your community, and in the kingdom of God—more than you ever have before.”

One year later, in 2016, President Nelson “urgently plead” with an audience of men to likewise rise to a higher standard, saying, “In a coming day, only those men who have taken their priesthood seriously, by diligently seeking to be taught by the Lord Himself, will be able to bless, guide, protect, strengthen, and heal others. Only a man who has paid the price for priesthood power will be able to bring miracles to those he loves and keep his marriage and family safe, now and throughout eternity.”

“May each one of us rise up as the man God foreordained us to be—ready to bear the priesthood of God bravely, eager to pay whatever price is required to increase his power in the priesthood. With that power, we can help prepare the world for the Second Coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.”

‘Oh, how we need your strength’

A few years later, in 2018, President Nelson shared with women in the church that “anytime I use the word mother, I am not talking only about women who have given birth or adopted children in this life. I am speaking about all of our Heavenly Parents’ adult daughters. Every woman is a mother by virtue of her eternal divine destiny.”

Referencing his own nine daughters, in 2018, President Nelson shared the following with women in the church: “I pray that you will sense how deeply I feel about you—about who you are and all the good you can do. No one can do what a righteous woman can do. …Men can and often do communicate the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior to others. But women have a special gift for it—a divine endowment. You have the capacity to sense what someone needs—and when he or she needs it. You can reach out, comfort, teach, and strengthen someone in his or her very moment of need. Women see things differently than men do, and oh, how we need your perspective!”

He concluded, “My dear sisters, we need you! We “need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices.” We simply cannot gather Israel without you.”

President Nelson and Wendy Nelson with his living children.

‘Direct access to the power of God’

In 2018, President Nelson described seeing women “who understand the power inherent in their callings and in their endowment and other temple ordinances. These women know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen their husbands, their children, and others they love. These are spiritually strong women who lead, teach, and minister fearlessly in their callings with the power and authority of God!”

Likewise, he described seeing men who “lead and serve by sacrifice in the Lord’s way with love, kindness, and patience. They bless, guide, protect, and strengthen others by the power of the priesthood they hold. They bring miracles to those they serve while they keep their own marriages and families safe.”

“Effective ministering efforts are enabled by the innate gifts of the sisters and by the incomparable power of the priesthood,” he concluded. “Yet we live in a day when any distinction in role or power is automatically cast in some quarters as a sign of bias at worst, and despotic power-hungriness at worst.”

In 2019, President Nelson taught that because the priesthood has been restored, “both covenant-keeping women and men have access to ‘all the spiritual blessings of the church.’”

“Every woman and every man who makes covenants with God and keeps those covenants, and who participates worthily in priesthood ordinances, has direct access to the power of God,” he added—before underscoring: “The heavens are just as open to women who are endowed with God’s power flowing from their priesthood covenants as they are to men who bear the priesthood.”

‘All people everywhere’

Without provoking culture war battles, President Nelson spoke directly to the broader cynicism regarding any situation where men have a unique role when, in a 2024 message on priesthood keys, he said, “I invite you to consider carefully the following three statements:

1. The gathering of Israel is evidence that God loves all of His children everywhere.

2. The gospel of Abraham is further evidence that God loves all of His children everywhere. He invites all to come unto Him—“black and white, bond and free, male and female; … all are alike unto God.”

3. The sealing power is supernal evidence of how much God loves all of His children everywhere and wants each of them to choose to return home to Him.

“Let us rejoice that priesthood keys are once again on the earth!” he declared. “Priesthood keys restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith make it possible for every covenant-keeping man and woman to enjoy incredible personal spiritual privileges.”

Bottom line: Don’t believe the cynical voices portraying all priesthood leadership in power-politics terms.

Time to join this wonderful gathering?

In 2020, President Nelson encouraged us to pray to “find those who are willing to let God prevail in their lives,” continuing: “We may be led to some who have never believed in God or Jesus Christ but who are now yearning to learn about Them and Their plan of happiness … . Some to whom we may be led may have always felt there was something missing in their lives. They too are longing for the wholeness and joy that come to those who are willing to let God prevail in their lives.”

“We can assist them by welcoming them with open arms and hearts.”

“Each of God’s children deserves the opportunity to hear and accept the healing, redeeming message of Jesus Christ.” He also said in 2021: “No other message is more vital to our happiness—now and forever. No other message is more filled with hope. No other message can eliminate contention in our society.”

In 2022, President Nelson shared: “The spiritual darkness in the world makes the light of Jesus Christ needed more than ever. Everyone deserves the chance to know about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Every person deserves to know where they can find the hope and peace that ‘[pass] all understanding.’”

“We have the sacred responsibility to share the power and peace of Jesus Christ with all who will listen and who will let God prevail in their lives.”

That’s why I share this with you all today. I unabashedly hope you will consider studying more, visiting our worship services and even joining the party. 🙂

I’m not joking. I can’t explain the peace, the joy and the love that has been in my life, despite so many other hard things. I’m grateful to feel the Lord’s work inside me, as I have sought to yield my heart (imperfectly, but sincerely) to God.

My experience makes me think of the Book of Mormon people who kept reaching, seeking and communing, until they did “wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.”

If you haven’t yet, may this be the time to yield your own heart a little more? And move towards letting God become the “most important influence” in your own life? As President Nelson had shared years before with the youth, he reiterated again in 2023 to the whole church: “the gathering of Israel is the most important work taking place on earth today. One crucial element of this gathering is preparing a people who are able, ready, and worthy to receive the Lord when He comes again, a people who have already chosen Jesus Christ over this fallen world, a people who rejoice in their agency to live the higher, holier laws of Jesus Christ.”

“I call upon you, my dear brothers and sisters, to become this righteous people,” he entreated. “Cherish and honor your covenants above all other commitments. As you let God prevail in your life, I promise you greater peace, confidence, joy, and yes, rest.”

As I began my senior year in high school, I remember hearing about President Gordon B. Hinckley making a declaration in the General Relief Society meeting of our faith, which began:

“With so much of sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn. In furtherance of this we of the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles now issue a proclamation to the Church and to the world as a declaration and reaffirmation of standards, doctrines, and practices relative to the family which the prophets, seers, and revelators of this church have repeatedly stated throughout its history. I now take the opportunity of reading to you this proclamation.”

He then read the full text of an official declaration called The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

On the 30th Anniversary of this declaration, Monique was invited to make a video tribute - and she chose this line to focus on: “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

She had no time to do this, but I was proud of her for taking the time to figure out how. Her message was elaborated in longer remarks she shared in our local sacrament meeting earlier this year: “I could choose to believe God was there. Or I could choose to believe he wasn’t” (also republished in Meridian Magazine).

I was grateful for the chance to cover for Deseret News BYU’s conference recently commemorating this same anniversary: “Experiencing Christ through the Family Proclamation.”

Across the many many talks, reported some of the highlights for both days:

• Thursday highlights: Conference commemorating 30th anniversary of the Family Proclamation begins at BYU

• Friday highlights: BYU family conference celebrates ‘God’s eternal vision of who we are’

There were three stand-out talks for me:

1. Shima Baughman shared powerful insights from her life experience both as a refugee and divorcee, centered around the continued longing for a “royal marriage.” Here’s her write-up: Cinderella is our favorite princess for a reason, with the full talk really worth listening to (you’ll see why):

2. Jenet Erickson spoke about how men and women long for the intimacy that comes in lasting partnerships, and which isn’t satisfied in any other way: “We are designed for eternal covenant relationships”

3. And Sister Amy A. Wright, counselor in the General Primary Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke powerfully about the blessings of an eternal family, saying “Do not miss this …anything this world could offer us pales drastically in comparison.”

Sister Wright says Family Proclamation is ‘inseparably connected’ to Jesus Christ

My friend Jason Carroll also gave an interesting response to the popular idea that marriage is a 50-50 toss-up, pointing out that this isn’t really true - not if you establish certain Christ-like practices and patterns in marriage.

And the remarkable Barbara Morgan Gardner addressed misconceptions about the document’s origins: “The Family Proclamation—Preparation, Partnership, Purpose, Priority, Power, Prophetic”

Earlier in the month, sociologist Bradford Wilcox from the University of Virginia shared his thoughts on the text: “A sociologist’s take on ‘The Family: A Proclamation to the World’”

And lastly, Elder Ronald A. Rasband, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke on the same theme a few days before the conference at BYU (“The Family Is Ordained of God”) and followed it up with a beautiful General Conference talk focused on the same theme yesterday.

I’m grateful for the family proclamation - and for the path it outlines. For those with concerns that it doesn’t apply to everyone, I’m excited to share more from my friend Ty Mansfield in the months ahead. Stay tuned.

Fire rages at a meetinghouse of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-days Saints where a shooting and fire happened in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, on Sunday, Sept. 28, 2025. | Brian Taylor

Like others in my faith community, I’ve been feeling the weight of this weekend - digesting fragmented reports of a worship service much like my own - besieged by a man attempting to drive into the worship service, then shoot as many as he could, then light the whole building on fire (some have argued this reflected a military tactic of creating a disturbance that draws people out to then be shot).

Even amidst the horror, though, I’ve been struck by moments of sheer beauty and goodness, including these five below. Keep watching for them in your own experience, they’re always there!

1. Paula’s worries about her primary kids

Early reports are the adults shielded children from bullets, while others returned to the building to escort others out of the fire.

Some witnesses described severe worry any parents naturally feel about their children. But in this video, at about 1:30 in this video, I was moved to see Paula’s mention of her faith, followed by her love for children not her own: her “primary children” in a class she must have taught.

2. A peaceful response

It’s become popular in America to announce the vengeance and revenge you hope to see, even if only metaphysically. Compared with the muscular, take-it-to-the-bad-guys attitude so often witnessed following other violent acts, I’ve appreciated - like this commentator notes - the peaceful response from my brothers and sisters of faith in Michigan.

That commentator was reflecting on this video here:

And here’s the local leader of the congregation speaking:

3. Governor Gretchen Whitmer and Michigan leaders

Say what you want about Michigan’s governor, but I’ve found her written and verbal comments beautiful….especially her remark at the press conference: “Your grief is our grief.”

And this at the end of the Governor’s official statement: “we will continue to hold the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Grand Blanc close.”

I’ve also been so impressed by the local police chief, the county official - and the state crime and FBI heads. In an age where everything is being questioned as suspect and corrupt, I’ve found so much to admire in the response to this and the Charlie Kirk shootings.

4. Friends reach out … just because

My dear neighbor has a best friend shot in the attack, and we’ve sought to support him. But no one needed to reach out to me.

Yet knowing the faith connection, two of my dearest friends, Arthur and Gary sent me notes over the last day - just as a way to share love.

Pastor Grogan, who pastored an Assembly of God Church in Champaign when I attended school there - and became a dear friend and spiritual mentor, later spoke with me on the phone, and offered a prayer at the end. He then followed up in email saying this:

“I was thinking about you yesterday and wanted to reach out with sincere love, compassion, and prayers. The Michigan church shooting and arson attack by a crazed individual who apparently disliked people of your faith makes me so very sad and brokenhearted. I was filled with anguish upon hearing the bad news and immediately thought of you.

We have different beliefs about biblical and theological perspectives, but our connection means more to me than any of our differences. What matters most to me is the person you are—your kind heart, honesty, sincerity, passion for faith and living rightly, and the shared memories we’ve built over the years.

I want to emphasize that my love and care for you are not dependent on what you believe. They stem from my deep appreciation for you as a person and as my friend. I hope that those in your faith know there are many of us who do not hate you, and we certainly do not see you as the “anti-Christ.”

Assure your faith community and personally recognize that whatever pain, hurt, or fear you may be experiencing, please know that I am here for you and share in your mourning of this loss. If you ever need to talk or simply want a distraction, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I am always here to listen.

I always enjoy our prayer times together on the phone, as we did today.

With much love and respect,

Papa G

PS: When we don’t have answers, and we are hurting, it is good to lament. There are numerous lamenting Psalms in the Holy Bible that I pray out loud during difficult times: Psalms 6, 22, 42, 69, 74, and 88.

Monique also received this from a friend she met at a retreat earlier this year: “Monique and Jacob, I heard the heart breaking news about what happened at the church yesterday. I’m keeping you and your loved ones in my heart and sending you so much peace - we all need it. Xoxo. Bonny.”

My friend Liz Joyner said, “I’m just so deeply sorry this happened to your beautiful community of people. It’s getting too awful.”

Seriously - how can I despair too much with friends like this in the world? For me, they bear witness of a loving God watching over us all.

5. Fundraiser for Thomas Sanford’s son and wife

An online fundraiser for Thomas Sanford’s family was established, which prompted a response from his heartbroken family. On a week when some were reminding Americans of all the reasons we’re presumably “not Christian,” Latter-day Saints sent their own message through actions.

6. Running into the burning building over and over

My colleague Tad also wrote about the heroism of people running into the fire to bring people out.

7. Catholic Church’s love in Utah

I was also personally touched by a special mass held by a small Catholic church in Utah for President Nelson who passed away - in part motivated by the hatred and violence directed at Latter-day Saints on Sunday.

8. Thanks, Jamal

Lastly, I just have to give a shot-out to this guy, Jamal - who used his own time to make a video just to reach out with an expression of love and support. Seriously, brother, this made my day. (:

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

Many have asked since the horrific assassination on Charlie Kirk, how does a kid raised in a conservative Utah neighborhood get to the point he’s willing to take another’s precious life?

I wrote about that last week, after checking out some of the research on political radicalization and corresponding with several scholars. How does an individual get politically radicalized?

One major “pyramid” theory is that many people get politically radicalized, but only a small subset end up at the point of being willing to hurt someone else. That’s left me wondering, how many of us occupy the larger base of the pyramid? Are there any signs of political radicalization we can see in our own lives - to the point that politics has become a malign, harmful influence in our own minds and relationships?

Drawing on the themes of that article focused on the violent extremes, here are 10 self-reflection questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you find yourself buying into narratives of American institutions - government, courts, police, religion, medicine, science, universities, newspapers - as wholly and pervasively corrupt, and serving only an evil purpose?

2. Do you notice any signs of isolation and estrangement in your own relations with others who may disagree with you politically?

3. How much time do you spend online reading politically-related coverage? How does that time compare with time in other kinds of uplifting reading or other media content?

4. Do you find yourself tuning in to podcasts, influencers or other pundits who express deep cynicism, resentment and anger targeted at certain people or institutions in society? (whether coming from the political right or left)

5. How quick are you to embrace the darkest, most suspicious portrayals of motives - for instance, insinuations that certain parties or political leaders are trying to destroy American democracy?

6. How often do you purposively seek out commentaries and perspectives from thoughtful individuals who disagree with you politically? In other words, are you hearing from the most thoughtful individuals on the other side? (For instance, liberal-leaning folks might spend some time with insightful Mark Thiessen or the remarkable Brett Stephens - while conservative-leaning folks might give a serious listen to the inspiring Ezra Klein or the brilliant Helen Lewis).

7. Have you noticed your own level of anger and grievance against individuals or institutions escalating - to the point of interfering with the rest of your life?

8. Do you sometimes struggle to sleep at night given how angry or fearful you are politically? Are there any other physical signs that stress tied to politics is affecting you?

9. How do you talk about others who hold differing political views than you - including neighbors, family or the leaders themselves? Do you ever fall into language that portrays these individuals as less than human?

10. Are you able to share something positive - even a single thing - about a political leader opposite to your political views?

That’s it. This isn’t an assessment of whether you’re on the edge of political violence. It’s a check on how far political radicalization has taken hold of your own mind and heart - to the detriment of other beautiful things.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

I list the practices below generally in order of their appearance within the Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction course, both the teen and adult versions. I list the shorter, teen-versions, followed by longer versions we use in the adult class. Wherever possible, I include a recording done by Jon Kabat-Zinn, who created the class at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. (This page will be updated with additional meditations as I gather them).

1. The Body Scan

This is one of my teachers Vicki Overfelt, an incredible woman and brilliant teacher:

This is Jon Kabat-Zinn’s longer version:

This is the same body scan meditation, with a short introduction if you’d like a little more context:

An even shorter body scan was recorded by another male teacher:

There are a number of other body scans out there on Youtube, including some specifically for younger children and other adult practices recorded by various teachers.

2. Awareness of breath

This was recorded by a female teacher:

This was recorded by Jon Kabat-Zinn:

This shorter one too:

And this other shorter one by another male teacher:

3. Sitting Practice:

These three sitting practices were all led by Jon Kabat-Zinn, at various lengths, starting with a ten minute version, and moving to 20+ minutes.

Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

4. Mindfulness of the breath & body - Whole body awareness:

5. Mindful Movement (generally):

Standing yoga

Teen version:

Walking meditation

6. Mindfulness of thinking:

Sounds, thoughts and emotions

7. Mindfulness of relationships (kindness):

SOBER Breathing Space

Allison Hemingway-Witty cries after Charlie Kirk was shot during Turning Point USA's visit to Utah Valley University in Orem on Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2025.

Charlie Kirk was about to pick up the microphone to respond to a question about mass shooting in America when he was shot in the neck at Utah Valley University yesterday.

My colleague Emma Pitt was 5 rows back, positioned on purpose where she could see the speaker well. Her response is worth watching, especially the way she responded to it all:

While the shooter’s specific motive is still being determined, the ultimate logic of any such shooting is disturbingly clear: If you’re opposed to what someone is saying or doing, you hold the power in your hands to make them stop.

This is the deviant mindset of murderers, assassins, abusers and dictators alike. As author Isaac Asimov wrote in 1942, three years into World War 2, “violence is the last refuge of the incompetent” - adding that brute force was “the only resort by which incompetent men can thrive. The bully, the brute, the dictator.”

This latest brutality took place on the eve of 9/11, when 19 young men from the Middle East each justified participating in coordinated violence that would lead to the death of nearly 3,000 innocent Americans.

“The epitome of intolerance is taking the life of someone else simply because you disagree with them politically,” wrote Deseret News commentator, Hawkfan79, soon after the news broke yesterday. “Actions like this should be condemned with zero reservations or conditions. Every addition of ‘but his rhetoric…’ is an effort to excuse the inexcusable.”

“Political violence at its core is a rejection of democracy,” said Lilliana Mason, Professor of Political Science at Johns Hopkins University, in the wake of political assassinations in Minneapolis earlier this summer, when an angry man disguised as a policeman killed former Minnesota House of Representatives Speaker Melissa Hortman and her husband at their home.

Mason, who co-authored Radical American Partisanship: Mapping Violent Hostility, Its Causes, and the Consequences for Democracy, went on to say “if a person has used violence to achieve a political goal, then they’ve given up on the democratic process. Instead, they’re trying to use force to affect government, or politics, or whatever it is that they’re upset about.”

In addition to harming the target, an act of political violence “also intimidates people who were not targeted in a way that makes them think twice about what they want to say and how they want to engage in politics,” Mason continued. Furthermore, such violence across ideological divisions “makes Americans as a whole, less trusting of each other, of elected officials, and of the democratic process altogether.”

“That kind of distrust is poison for democracy,” she stated. “Democracy requires us to have a certain level of faith in each other and a belief that we’re all working toward a common goal.”

This “violates core principles of our country today, our Judeo-Christian heritage, our civil society, our American way of life,” U.S. House speaker Mike Johnson said after the assassination yesterday. “And it must stop.”

“We need every political figure, we need everyone who has a platform to say this loudly and clearly: we can settle disagreements and disputes in a civil manner,” he added. “Political violence ... has to stop.”

Faith leaders have condemned such violence for many years now. “Violence towards those people who are different ... is unacceptable,” Desmond Tutu says, in the context of South African political violence.

And as he led a movement towards the slow pursuit of racial justice through nonviolence, Martin Luther King Jr. likewise insisted that attempting to use violence to achieve progress was “both impractical and immoral.”

“Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart,” ancient Israel was commanded in the Book of Leviticus, with the Lord stating further, “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

“If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother,” John wrote anciently, “he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?”

Even though we see them fine, it’s become pretty easy to hate people all around us in America today - with the increase in political animosity now a feature of our national landscape we take for granted.

This hostility is reaching pathological levels. As Deseret News reported last year, nearly one in four Americans now say violence may be necessary to “save the country” - with a 2024 PRRI survey documenting a measurable increase in U.S. adults (from 15% in 2021 to 23% 3 years later) now agreeing that “because things have gotten so far off track, true American patriots may have to resort to violence in order to save our country.”

And that’s just what individuals on both sides of the political aisle have been doing more and more. In April, a man tried to kill Pennsylvania governor Josh Shapiro, setting fire to his home while the family slept inside.

In 2017, a man disguised himself as a police officer in an attempt to approach Utah Senator Orrin Hatch’s residence. That same year, a congressional baseball practice was ambushed in Virginia, with a gunman opening fire on Republican lawmakers, seriously wounding Rep. Steve Scalise.

Between 2017 and 2015, in the span of 8 years, we’ve seen threatening protesters stationing themselves outside of the personal residences of secretaries of state and Supreme Court justices. We’ve seen an intruder break into the U.S. House speaker’s home and attack her husband with a hammer. We’ve seen pipe bombs mailed to Democratic leaders and media outlets critical of President Trump. And we’ve seen plots to kidnap and harm at least one Supreme Court justice and one sitting governor.

And then, of course, we’ve witnessed a gunman firing from a rooftop during a Trump campaign rally in Pennsylvania last summer, killing one attendee and injuring others, narrowly missing the former president.

The Bridging Divides Initiative out of Princeton has also been collecting data on violent threats against local government officials and conducting surveys about threats not reported to law enforcement. And Capitol Police reported in 2024 that they had more threats against members of Congress than ever before.

Where does all this lead?

The Book of Mormon describes what happens when one people turn against another with “eternal hatred” that is taught within families until it becomes “fixed."

A pattern of unhinged hatred, once it metastasizes, leads to even more death and destruction.

The only way forward is for people to somehow be persuaded to “lay down their weapons of war, and also their hatred.”

That’s our solution now too. As President Russell M. Nelson shared in his own Time Magazine birthday message earlier this week, “hostility never heals” - calling for steps to soften “bitter divisions” and build “bridges of understanding” among especially “those who may see the world differently than we do.”

But how is it even possible to show love to someone who sees the world so differently? As he emphasized, “Each of us has inherent worth and dignity. I believe we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father.”

Photo by Stalin Solis on Unsplash

Back in June, we published at Deseret News two high-level, summary reports from an extensive risk factor review project I started years ago with the support of Public Square Magazine and several wonderful research interns:

• What life patterns make sexual violence against women less likely? Themes from 285 studies

• What life patterns make sexual violence against children less likely? Themes from 215 studies

Appreciations to Eliza Anderson, Deseret News, for these images that accompanied the summary series.

These reports recapped key environmental and lifestyle patterns that made sexual violence against women and children more (and less) likely. Flowing from each of those vulnerable patterns, we then published a parallel series of articles tracing out concrete implications for preventive action that could be taken to measurably decrease the risk of sexual violence:

• 10 concrete steps towards eradicating sexual violence against women

• 10 concrete steps towards eradicating sexual violence against children

Eliza Anderson, Deseret News

Today, I’m publishing here the full reports I’ve been finalizing throughout the summer, bringing together all the studies on which these summary reports were based, with hyperlinked references to them all. Whereas each of these summary reports distilled down 10 overarching themes, the more in-depth reports break it down into more granular detail, reflected in 20 patterns each. Here’s the final sexual violence against women report:

What Conditions Make Sexual Violence Against Women More (or Less) Likely? Findings From 285 Studies

2.18MB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

And here’s the final child sexual abuse report:

What Conditions Make The Sexual Abuse Of Children More (or Less) Likely? Findings From 215 Studies

1.84MB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

These two PDFs, totaling 133 pages, represent everything our research team learned over many months of scouring the research literature. If there are any errors identified or additions needed, they will be updated in the months ahead (thank you for alerting me to anything you spot).

Eliza Anderson, Deseret News

So, what do these 500 studies tell us overall?

1. Sexual violence against children doesn’t arise “ex nihilo,” out of nowhere. This most horrifying of acts is made far more likely from a wide array of lifestyle and environmental conditions. As I summarized in the Deseret News article, “when less educated parents who are no longer married and use alcohol are raising children in a home that struggles to find sufficient material resources, lacks healthy community connections and is absent any higher purpose or meaning, those children are, statistically speaking, measurably more likely to be sexually abused, according to studies across the world.”

2. The same is true for sexual violence against women, which is also closely connected to the conditions of people’s lives. As stated in our other Deseret News summary, “women who are less educated, divorced, addicted (or with partners addicted to alcohol or pornography) are more likely to experience sexual violence — especially if they experience inadequate financial support, limited healthy community commitments, and a dearth of higher meaning and spiritual purpose in life.” The article added, “It’s equally important to know that men who are less educated, financially struggling, addicted, isolated, emotionally unhealthy, promiscuous and spiritually disengaged, are also more likely to perpetrate sexually on vulnerable women.”

3. These patterns show up so clearly in the research literature that it’s impossible to ignore its practical importance. If, in fact, there are a wide number of factors making sexual violence more likely, that means there’s an equally large number of things we can do to prevent such violence and better protect women and children. As stated in the child risk-factor article (and elaborated in the concrete steps follow-up piece), “when educated parents who are happily married raise children in a home with adequate financial support, nourishing community connections and a sincere and healthy religious commitment, those children are far less likely to get caught up in drugs and alcohol and are less likely to be victimized sexually.”
   

   Likewise, as summarized in the women’s risk-factor article (and elaborated in the concrete steps follow-up piece), “There’s also protective power in more fully appreciating that women and men who are better off economically, have good educational experiences, and are embedded within both healthy marriages and supportive communities are less vulnerable to sexual violence. This is doubly true if they also avoid substance abuse and habits of risky, casual sexual relations with multiple people, while nourishing a healthy spiritual foundation.”

Eliza Anderson, Deseret News

Note: As I finished this report, I sensed the heaviness of the whole issue, and felt compelled to provide a little more hope before signing off. In this, I share some of the deeper sources of my own motivation and what keeps me going.

When will the horror end?

The horror of sexual violence is so immense it would surely paralyze us emotionally if we truly understood its scope. I believe this is one reason that Latter-day Saint scripture records that even “the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept.”

“How is it that thou canst weep?” asks Enoch repeatedly.

God answers that even after creating his sons and daughters, granting them freedom and teaching them “that they should love one another,” despite all this, his children are “without affection, and they hate their own blood.”

(I believe this also explains why Jesus “groaned within himself” after all the little children were brought to him following the destructions experienced in ancient America. The Lord knew acutely the horror these children had faced in that wicked society, just as he does today, prompting his prayer, “Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel.”)

Not everyone has been weeping, however. Enoch also beheld Satan, with “a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced.”

About the last days, the prophet-poet Isaiah wrote, “Darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people.” Enoch also hears the earth cry from its core, “Wo, wo is me, the mother of men; I am pained, I am weary, because of the wickedness of my children.”

Restoration scripture adds, “the whole world lieth in sin, and groaneth under darkness and under the bondage of sin.” Doesn’t that capture how this world sometimes feels to all of us?

But this is not the end of the story!

A day will come when Isaiah also says the world will “break forth into joy” with the people of a new earth exclaiming “Sing together, ye waste places … for the Father hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed (his people).”

In the same visit to the Nephites, the Lord quoted Isaiah as anticipating the day when people shall say, “The Father hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of the Father.”

Together, as a human family, we will respond to collective, prophesied invitation to “Awake, awake again, and put on thy strength, O Zion; put on thy beautiful garments, O Jerusalem … shake thyself from the dust; arise, sit down, O Jerusalem; loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.”

This is also the “day of vengeance of our God” that Isaiah spoke of repeatedly, when the Lord will finally “bind up the brokenhearted,” and “proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound”….extending “comfort all that mourn” (italics my own here and below.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.”

On that day, we will finally experience what Isaiah and John both witnessed in vision (and we will in reality) - a glimpse more beautiful than anything I know, which is why it’s now on the back of our daughter Emma’s grave:

These are not merely happy fantasies to help religious people ‘cope’ with the actual dreariness of a reality. No, they are glorious glimpses of our future as a human family.

I know it! I bear witness this will come to pass.

Just not yet. But even today, my friends, this is the bedrock source of my hope, my peace and my joy - right now.

Because of this knowledge of what will soon come, what the angel told King Benjamin can apply to us all - namely, that we can “rejoice with exceedingly great joy” right this very moment, “even as though” Christ “had already come among” us.

If you or someone you love has experienced sexual assault of any kind and need additional support in the U.S., contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE)- with virtual and text-based options available. This is a confidential networking service in the U.S. helping connect victims with local agencies who can offer therapeutic support across the country. Similar kinds of hotlines exist in many countries around the world.